Remaining closeted and finding relationship

Yes, absolutely. However, that won't be sustainable long-term. You can't ask the most important person in your life to remain a secret; it just won't work.

 

I really hope so! Like the poster above though, I've heard that it's kind of difficult to maintain a relationship when you'redaith someone- they can'tever come round your house if your family are in, or go anywhere where you might bump into anyone you know. Then again, meeting someone maybe will give you the courage to come out. I hope that's what willhappen to me! Good luck

 

I think it's certainly possible. But it would be difficult to maintain long term without both parties coming out of the closet eventually. Sooner or later people are going to notice that the two guys in question spend a lot of time together. Not only that there's also the emotional toll a secretive relationship can take over time. Eventually something's gotta give. If a relationship is going to work in the long haul they need to come out and be open, otherwise the stresses of maintaining the secrecy could destroy it.

This isn't from personal experience. Mostly from what I've observed from people who tried to keep their relationships secret for an extended period of time. They didn't end pretty.

 

It is a well-known problem, best solved by both in a couple being fully out.

Here's a case study: I volunteer at a gay support hotline. I took a call from a guy who has been in a 10-year relationship with a guy who remained closeted the entire time. As far as the caller knew, his BF did not ever have a relationship with anyone else, of either gender.

During these calls, I always want to know what compels people to reach out. After some questions, he revealed that his very attractive BF finally came out to his family about 2 weeks earlier. On its own, this should have been an occasion for joy and celebration, but that wasn't the reason for the call. He was anxious and worried, his explanation was that he realized that his BF could suddenly be free to experiment with others, and when the caller asked his BF if he felt curious about seeing others, he didn't say no, but that in the end, there wasn't anything to worry about and he was told to stop worrying (an argument ensued).

After further probing, it was revealed that his BF wasn't as committed to the relationship as the caller. He realized that having his BF under closeted conditions was also a way of keeping his BF somewhat "trapped". One could say that having a closeted BF distorted the authenticity of the relationship, which was in essence a shared secret, something only they could know...a kind of private complicity that, after the coming out, evaporated.

Authenticity and honesty are key aspects of a relationship, but another point is that no relationship can survive when it is hermetically sealed. There is a social aspect to relationships, a healthy couple should be part of a larger community. It is part of an unfortunate contemporary trend in all intimate relationships, regardless of gender, for both partners to isolate themselves and to become all to each other. What a burden! No one person can be all and everything for the other, the closet only compounds an unhealthy isolation that ultimately defeats the relationship.

 

Hey cuteboyever,

I would just add a little different slant to greatwhale's wonderful and insightful (as always) post.

Another problem frequently encountered when one partner is still in the closet is that they essentially drag the other partner at least partially back into the closet. For example, the Out partner can never meet the Closeted partner's family and (probably most) friends - at least not as his "boyfriend." They have to be careful and secretive about their meetings so that the Closeted partner's family and friends don't inadvertently see them dating or engaging in PDA. The Out partner has to be circumspect about who he talks to about his Closeted boyfriend because he has to be concerned about inadvertently Outing his boyfriend to someone who happens to know someone who is associated with or related somehow to his boyfriend. Basically, the Out boyfriend can't really BE Out - at least not about his romantic partner. And that really isn't fair in the longrun.

I believe that many such relationships end because the Out partner finally gets tired of the secrecy and having to walk on egg shells. If the Out partner is unable to convince the Closeted partner to finally Come Out, he may decide it is not worth being in such a relationship and end it.Likewise, if the Closeted partner is firmly in the closet and get tired of having pressure of his Out boyfriend constantly harping on him to 'just Come Out, already!', the Closeted partner may decide it is not worth being in such a relationship and end it.

All of that is not to say that a relationship between a Closeted and an Out partner can't work, you just have to understand that such a relationship has a lot of additional strains on it that a relationship between two Out partners doesn't have and those strains must be squarely faced by both partners.

Just my thoughts.

 

It's happened before, but it's not something I would count on.

I think if you're in a situation where you still need to be closeted, you should focus on keeping yourself safe or getting out of that situation before you focus on finding a relationship.

But if you happen to find a boyfriend, that's different from looking for one.

And there are those situations where you are "in the closet" but only because you haven't told anyone, but don't mind if they find out. In that case, it's different.

 

greatwhale & Quantumreality OMG how right you both are and a MAJOR reason I step back from potential partners who disclose they are a closeted bisexual.
All too often in my 40 years of being sexually active that label has come to mean "OK I'm married to a woman, not out, but I still REALLY want to be with you!" as if it's OK to cheat on the wifey with me because I'm just a Nancy guy and everyone knows out fem gay guys are promiscuous queens who bed anything with a penis... (Right? I mean, that's true,, RIGHT???),,,
And the assessment from greatwhale is equally true, closeted gay identifying men are often just coming to terms with their sexuality and an out guy may find himself simply being the first, middle and usually not the last of a long line of settle in tricks for the guy in questioning and as the concerned caller found out, a closeted lover may find you convenient as his kept boy in quiet once he is out the wellspring opens and the out guy soon learns the "relationship" was actually built on very shallow footings.

This post BTW is NOT meant as a slap against closeted people, quite the opposite, all out people have been where you are and know the things you are going through and through our experiences have come to understand how people try to deal in a very confusing world.

This is why it is so important to be upfront and honest when a romantic relationship/friendship looks like it will be turning into something more.
Setting the ground rules and expectations at the beginning makes the break up that much easier to bear.

 

Assassin'sKat I love the option on this forum of posting ones out status as "Some People"
I don't skip through life throwing glitter and stuffed unicorns every where I go nor do I put on a show of effeminacy to everyone I meet as most certainly a drama queen I am not.
Those that know me, know me.
To the counter guy at the gas station I'm just another dude paying for my fill up.

 

It's "possible" in the way that you can find someone who will eventually say yes to it. It's not possible in the way that it would last long term.

I'm not a gay man, but I have dated closeted women, and I find it to be extremely selfish. I will never do it again. I empathize with the fact that some people feel unsafe coming out, and I would never force them to do it if they cannot. However, I think you need to focus on figuring out how to come out before you even think about dating. Dating while closeted puts too much drama on the other person and drags them back in the closet too. And if they can't come out because the family is extremely homophobic...what will happen to me if they find out? Will the family become crazy and put me in actual danger? The truth is that being in the closet will NOT prevent them from finding out. People can always discover clues, and they will react worse once that happened.

I have no desire to be put in that kind of danger or drama when I didn't even choose this. I understand not everyone has a supporting family, but I at least expect the person to be out and estranged by choice if they really are that homophobic. I'm sure many gay men agree.

 

If the other person is closeted also it is probably possible to make it work, but it is much more difficult and you have to sneak around your families, friends, and others in order to avoid outing yourselves which will cause a certain amount of stress that would not be there in a relationship between two out people.

If you are not both closeted, for reason mentioned above by a variety of posters, it is probably not worth trying when you could focus on getting into a situation where you can be out and safe.

 

Agreed.

 

It's definitely possible. Look at how many guys come out because of the support of their bf, or whatever their orientation/gender is. I've heard of so many guys who also have sex while closeted, so I mean...anything is possible.

 

Possible but difficult! Go for it if u want.

 

It's extremely difficult for closeted men to find boyfriends, although you'll have a far better chance if you can find others that are also closeted. I say this, because when one partner is closeted, and the other isn't, it creates a lot of difficulty in the relationship. One isn't used to keeping secrets and lying... the other is. The one that isn't used to hiding everything has a high risk of slipping up and exposing the closeted party.

 

I guess if both are closeted, it might work. But then again, the chance of two closeted guys meet is much harder, unless you sign up to certain apps.