Hello people of the internet! I found this site the other day and figured that this would be as good as place as any to seek advice and thoughts. I currently have a few friends that I could go to about this, but I'd rather see what others think. So, as you can tell from the title, I cannot figure out my sexuality. In this day and age where more titles are becoming acceptable I have no idea where I am. To back up, growing up I've always had crushes on girls. I can name every crush that I've had since I was 5. I didn't really question myself until high school when someone called me gay, but of course I got all defensive and denied it. Then around my first year of college I did have this guy friend that I would say was a crush. But then later on I figured out it might be a kind of brotherly love (I'm an only child so I have no idea what having a brother is like)? Can't really tell. Basically I've thought about kissing him, and it's kind of interesting to see what it would be like? I wouldn't call myself a masculine man by any means, and I've always been more in touch with emotions which is considered "feminine", which is dumb. Although, I am one of those guys that has always hung out with girls, I've never had that many guy friends growing up. I think the thing that confuses me most is porn. I started watching when I was around 12, and It's more enjoyable to watch gay than straight. On one hand it seems more realistic, not all showy and fake, and also I don't feel guilty watching it like I do with straight porn. I know porn is bad and I try to stay away from it, but when I do watch it's pretty much always gay. But even more specific, it's always the "straight guys" catagory that I watch. If it's the other categories then I can't watch it, it doesn't turn me on at all. As far as personal experience goes, I'm the most inexperienced you can get. I've been on a few single dates, and that's it. Never held hands, kissed, etc. I used to blame this on where I lived. I grew up in a LDS (Mormon) dominated area, and they follow the rules pretty strict. But I've always had crushes on girls, and I've always felt emotionally attracted to them. With guys I can only think "wow he looks good." But I have no desire to date them. At this point I've gathered so much information over the years I can no longer hear my own thoughts. I've heard sexuality can change/develop over time, so maybe I was straight and now I'm not? I've heard straight guys watch gay porn because they identify more with the experiences? Idk. And growing up in a religious community where anything but straight is wrong, I can't tell if it's the conditionings- grow up, get a wife, have kids, if that's what I really want or not? To go with that, I can say that if I could choose I would just be straight, but obviously that's not how it works. As far as if I am bi or gay, it would be...interesting. I have at least 5 friends from college that would be in support and happy for me. Then I have my high school friends, who are all LDS, that would support me, but at the same time they belong to a church that says it's wrong...then theirs my family. I have a cousin who is gay, and my aunt and uncle seem in support of it, however my parents make gay jokes all the time, and all of them will laugh? And of course my ego- for anyone who thought I was gay, or said I was, and I was sure I was straight, and turns out they were right, that sucks. Because then it's like they know me better than I know myself, if that makes sense. So any thoughts and ideas are appreciated!
You could Ben heteromantic (or whatever it's called) where you're only romantically attracted to girls and then you could be bisexual, but it really depends on what you think. I suggest doing some research. You don't need a label, but I know that it feels good to have one. The good thing about labels is that they can change. You may decide now that you're gay and then say later oh wait, I'm bi. Or I'm straight. You can learn more about yourself and label yourself different ways. In my life I've labels myself as straight, bi, pan, ace, cis, demigirl, greygender, and genderfluid. There will probably be more throughout my lifetime. My point is that you can do research and decide now, but it doesn't have to be permanent.
Before thinking about a label for your sexuality, try to think about the answers you would give to the questions I'll make, okay? First, how would you describe the crush you felt for the girls? And how about the boys? Second, while having these crushes, what did you want to do with the people you had crushes on? Was it different for each gender? How? Do you have any sexual fantasies? If you do, which genders are usually present in there? While watching porn, who do you focus on? Do you have the habit of looking at attractive people? If you do, what genders are they? After paying attention to how your sexuality works, maybe you'll find a good label for you. Try to be as honest as possible.
