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I've got it sooooo bad! Make it stop!

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by RJay, Jun 18, 2017.

  1. Lucky in Life

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    [Just got back from the therapist. She said I absolutely have to tell V how I feel about her as soon as I feel comfortable working it into a conversation. She said if I don't tell her, I'm treating her like a helpless victim who can't handle knowing things, and that's not healthy for me OR for her. She said I should treat her like an adult. I guess that's a good point. I'm glad the therapist is on my wavelength. She also thinks V is going to fall for me big time sooner or later. WHY DOES SHE ENCOURAGE ME SO?![/QUOTE]
    Having followed your lovely story all these weeks, it does seem as if the time has come for you to tell V about your feelings. I'm rooting for you two all the way!!
     
  2. Moonsparkle

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    I think maybe this makes her more attractive to you, first because she felt safe to share it with you. She made herself vulnerable to you. And there is a beauty simply in the sharing between two people who care about each other.

    Also, I know I can find someone even more attractive when they reveal a struggle they have come through and made it to the other side. It's like this adds a new level and deeper appreciation (and attraction) for them. It all makes me want to know them more, and learn more of their life story!
     
  3. Orchidea123

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    Rjay!!! Reading all good advice's here made me 'run' to log in and put my 2 cents in.
    My apology if I spoil the thread..

    I have not dealt with therapists, but I completely agree with one of the posters here - she should not be advising you whether to tell V or not..

    Even if she turns out to be correct about V's orientation: It is perfectly 'grown up' and 'mature' thing to tell OR not to tell. So I would not fall into that trap.

    Whatever V Said to the housekeeper could still be a straight girl intro. Regardless of V's orientation she still loves you as a person (or cares a lot) which is a good thing.

    Here is why I 'ran' to log on and post and spoil your thread.. Unless you know V's orientation for sure, it is an iffy thing to tell her how you feel about her. Of course pple do opposite ( like I do.. Uh).
    You are communicating every day. If V doesn't feel that way it is possible things may be different.
    If you love her and love the friendship, have some patience. Maybe, just maybe,wait for her feelings to develop a bit more if meant to be. She is seeking your companionship clearly, does she have enough developed to give you romantically?
    What will you gain if she is not ready for your confession?
    I am not therapist therefore I advise LOL!

    BTW, your music (Mendelssohn) is a great little test. if she takes her time to sit down to listen and gives you feedback - big plus ( true friend who truly cares to take her time and appreciate your passion)
     
    #283 Orchidea123, Jul 11, 2017
    Last edited: Jul 11, 2017
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  4. RJay

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    I think the point is that telling her would alleviate some of my anxiety. I am having really bad anxiety lately related to this situation, and it's not good for my mental state. Then again, perhaps the thing to do is work on my anxiety rather than rope V into taking some responsibility for it. Not her fault that I'm a mess, haha.

    Today we saw each other in the morning and again in the afternoon. Again, neither time was a real necessity, but in the morning she wanted to bring by some beautiful glass bowls she saw someone was giving away, and she thought they'd look great in my apartment. :/ And this afternoon, I knew she was running a little ragged and would have trouble making it on time to pick up her kids from day camp, so I offered to do it, of course. When she arrived at the park where I was entertaining them, she brought me cookies from a really fancy Manhattan bakery. Sigh...

    She had trouble playing the music I sent her, so I made her a CD today. I told her it was like high school, and I was making her a "mix tape". She seemed really grateful and excited to listen. She asked me lots of questions about classical music. Super sweet.

    I've been making more "comments", like today she was telling me a story and interjected, "well, I don't think this is so interesting," to which I said, "V, everything you say is interesting to me." She seemed a bit flustered, and said, "well, thank you!" Haha... Then when she initiated our hug goodbye, I must say I hugged her a little intensely. She also seemed a bit flustered by that... a bit shaky in the voice when she said, "thanks for walking me home. It was nice to see you." And I responded, "it is *always* nice to see you, V." Then, just now she was telling me a really cute thing about something she did where she was totally over the top. In general, she is very elaborate when she decides to do something, and really does everything better than the average person would. I made a little joke, like, "there you go again, V, showing everyone up by being so thorough and over-achieving." She kind of chuckled and said, "I guess I can't help myself." And I said, "don't ever change, because it's very endearing."

    So, if I keep this up, I probably won't have to say much if and when the time comes, because I'm trying to make it more obvious by the day. I just don't want her to honestly be able to say she "didn't know". Maybe best to just double down on the compliments and flirting until it's all out in the open. I mean honestly, I sent her a picture of the moon the other night, for christ's sake!
     
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  5. RJay

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    Poor V... I mean, she didn't ask for any of this, but on the other hand, why does she have to go and be so damn beautiful and smart and sexy and funny and sensitive and vulnerable and a great mom and and and?!?!?! And why can't she just tone it down a little around her gay friend who just figured out she's gay? I mean, really?! I know she's just being herself, which we should all strive to do, but dammit if her "self" isn't just TOO MUCH FOR ME RIGHT NOW!!! I can't with her! She's killing me!
     
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  6. silverhalo

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    However obvious you are I still think it's possible for her not to notice.

    As with most of us later in lifers we have been oblivious to our raging gayness for years so anything is possible.
     
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  7. RJay

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    Yeah, I know. I'm just in a bargaining stage. I will have to fess up sooner or later. I really wish I could just stay cool for a while. Today feels really good and like I can just carry on. But a couple of days ago felt terrible like I was literally going to die. Those are the times when I feel like blowing the whole thing up.

    All of you saying I'm being so brave and staying positive haven't seen me crying into a glass of vodka. I'm rather mood swingy.

    Also, LOL @ "oblivious to our raging gayness"!
     
    #287 RJay, Jul 12, 2017
    Last edited: Jul 12, 2017
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  8. silverhalo

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    I thought you might like that.

    Being brave and strong doesn't mean you don't have tough times, or sad times, it just means you pull through them and come out smiling on the other side. This is the new you and new things take some time to get used to, old habits of running when the going gets tough or running in case you get hurt are hard not to fall back on when you feel like your dying inside in a good and bad way. Seeing this thing through with V whatever the outcome is such an important step for you. It is going to lead you to greatness just you wait and see.
    It's ok to be mood swingy as long as you don't get stuck in a dip. If you ever think talking will help, my wall is always there for you.
     
  9. RJay

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    Thanks, my friend!
     
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  10. Moonsparkle

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    I understand, the mood swings, the crying in a glass of vodka. Been there! Based on what you have said, when you feel things are going well with you and V, you are UP, but when things are 'bad', such as when you ran into the 'ex-boyfriend cute guy' your mood plummets. Very understandable when you want something so bad. I remember feeling a similar way when I was wondering how C felt about me when we were still in the just best friends stage.(And of course wondering WHY I was having these feelings for a GIRL in the first place!) On a day when I saw evidence of her attraction to me I was on top of the world! On days when I interpreted whatever it was as a lack of attraction I would fall, and fall hard. Total roller coaster! And the problem with this is that it gives that other person a lot of 'power' to determine where our moods are on any given day. And that feeling of anxiety is likely a byproduct of this. For me I remember feeling anxious all the time!

    At this point you may want to consider telling her sooner rather than later if you feel it will alleviate some of this anxiety! I think we say you are strong because you are negotiating all new territory and getting through it and sharing it all honestly. I mean you realized you were gay like a hot minute ago. Two hot minutes later you fell hard for a woman who (at this point) identifies as straight--who you have also developed a very strong friendship with. It's a lot! All at once!

    You're resilient, you got this. However it works out. Not saying this would happen at all..but really, what if V said, 'I.m straight so nothing could ever happen with us.' Would you shrivel up, become a recluse, abandon the piano, your career plans, your biking in the park? ' I REALLY doubt it. Sure, there would be some nights drowning in vodka, some limited time being reclusive with Ben and Jerry and then you would go on. You would KNOW how you have grown through your experience and carry that with you as just another building block on which to continue building. AND, I truly believe your friendship with V would survive!

    Can you stand ONE more quote...it's ANOTHER one I have taped inside my kitchen cabinets (and I have A LOT of cabinets...therefore lots of quotes :slight_smile: . It's just another one I only REALLY understood within the past few years...***sigh***

    'Don't put the key to your happiness in someone else's pocket.'

    All that said, I continue to be a supporting cast member here---hoping for the fairy tale!
     
  11. NeonSocks

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    I am just going to leave you a quote from my favorite book growing up. I think it fits the situation perfectly.

    "I am not afraid of storms for I am learning how to sail my ship."

    Know that we are all thinking of you Rjay and want the best for you because you have proven yourself to be a good, honest person.
     
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  12. RJay

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    You guys are the absolute best. I really do value your opinions.

    So, on Tuesday morning, V confessed to me that she has this old friend she is attempting to reconnect with because she feels like she might need to apologize to this person. Apparently it was a friendship that got very deep and serious very quickly, but there was a real imbalance because the other woman kind of "took care of" V when she was in a really bad place emotionally a couple of years ago shortly before her breakup. V thinks the dynamic was unhealthy, she relied too much on this woman, and that when she got in a better place emotionally, the friendship kind of fell apart for confusing reasons. She slipped in, "I'm afraid it's kind of a pattern with me. Not to scare you." I put my arm around her shoulders and told her it takes a lot more than that to scare me.

    I've been thinking since then that she was feeling like maybe there is a similar imbalance with us.

    This evening, I let her know that another mom in our kids' class who is going through a divorce asked to meet me for coffee because she needed some advice. I texted V, "The thought of me giving advice is hilarious, but I'll try."

    V: That doesn't strike me as odd at all. You're a great listener and very thoughtful advice giver!

    R: Well, I'm not as emotionally invested in her thing as yours but I'll try to help.

    V: (after couple of hours) How was it? Were you able to help? Sorry if I sometimes drop the ball on texts. I appreciate what you said before, and you have been incredibly supportive to me in a very short time. :heartbeat:

    R: I don't know if I helped but it was a nice conversation. Never worry about being late responding to texts.

    V: Well I'm sure it did help and I'm glad it was nice all around. You're really a very good friend. It was so nice of you to offer to get the girls today. Thanks again. I hope that the week hasn't been too terribly lonely for you without J. You've already made through Hump Day, as they call it! I don't know what your plans are on Friday, but if you have none I wanted to invite you to join us for dinner. Anyway, goodnight :slight_smile:

    So, I accepted the dinner invitation, and we discussed the menu a bit, and she wished me goodnight again. (I'm not reading anything into the invite, btw, because I can see she just feels like I might be lonely missing my son.)

    After a while, I felt badly that I didn't say anything in response to the bits about me being supportive and a good friend. Especially in light of Tuesday's conversation and how I felt like maybe she was feeling uneasy about accepting so much support from me. So I just texted the following which I assume she won't see until the morning:

    I should have said something right away when you called me "incredibly supportive" and a "good friend", but I wanted to at least *try* to get the words right, so it took me a little while, and now this will probably seem too ponderous, but so be it! I want to say that if you have felt supported by me, please know that I feel just as supported by you, and I get *so much* from our relationship. I'd hate to think you feel like there is any imbalance between us. I'm deeply thankful every day for Lola's separation anxiety and how it brought you into my life, because you have very quickly become one of my most favorite people ever. :slight_smile: I truly feel fortunate and so grateful for your presence (and your wonderful girls, of course).

    (And now I promise to lighten up.) :wink:
    I'm getting closer to telling the whole truth! But I kind of like how it's just unfolding in that direction pretty naturally.
     
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  13. Worker Bee

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    I'm on the edge of my seat! I don't think you'll last much longer without telling her.
     
  14. rosemarythyme

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    RJay, like so many here I've been following your story with all my fingers crossed and admiring your courage and honesty with yourself. I haven't chimed in yet but now I have a question. In the above situation, do you think there could have been romantic feelings on the part of the supportive friend? Hence the confusing reasons? Did V imply that? With that story is she perhaps trying to tell you she knows? Just a thought...
     
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  15. silverhalo

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    I also wondered if there was attraction with this other friend although I couldn't decide whether that meant she was aware of what it was and was trying to hint at that or it was confusing because she didn't really understand the reasons and so is worried it would happen again because she still hasn't figured it all out.
     
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  16. RJay

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    Hmmm. No idea. V and I have texted a normal amount today and she thanked me for what I said last night. Everything seems to be ok.
     
  17. RJay

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    Picked a random moment to walk my dog around the block and ran into V getting her kids out of the car. Wouldn't have seen them today otherwise. My timing is impeccable! It was soooooo good to get a fix. I feel much better now. She seemed genuinely happy to see me. And the little girls were super excited to see me as always.
     
  18. Moonsparkle

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    Interesting, I hadn't even thought of the theory that Rosemarythyme and Silverhalo mentioned as to why V's other friendship ended. I was speculating in a different direction on that one!

    RJay, would you be comfortable asking her what the confusing reasons were that led to the end of that friendship?

    I know for me if a friend throws out a story about how another friendship of theirs ended for 'confusing reasons', I'd be the one to jump in and ask WHAT confusing reasons? Sometimes I think people throw a few things out there, kind of these partial stories, in hopes that we actually will ask more.

    Just a random thought.
     
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  19. RJay

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    Well, the thing is V is the one who is confused. Her theory was that because the dynamic of the friendship was that she was a mess and the other woman took care of her, once V started taking steps to feel better, the other woman felt useless and they just drifted apart. I think that is basically the whole story!
     
  20. Moonsparkle

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    Oh okay, I gotcha. So it's not necessarily confusing WHY that friendship ended---V seems to know why. If this other friend was the type who NEEDS to fill the role of 'rescuer' in her friendships it makes sense that the friendship would fall apart when V no longer needed 'rescuing.'
    (But I get that V might be confused why this friend couldn't simply adapt to the changing/evolving roles in the friendship.)