The denial is real

Hey welcome to EC.

It's great that you have found EC. I am sure we can help you come through the denial. Your work friend is she out or not? Don't feel like you are alone there are lots of people here or are or have been where you are.

 

Well, in no uncertain terms, we ARE responsible for denying ourselves and cutting ourselves off emotionally. That said, for some of us it was a tool we used to get by with feelings we didn't want to deal with.
I knew early on that things were "off" for me growing up, but with no examples of positively portrayed lgbt folks, it was easy not to identify with it on a greater scale.
You sound very much like you KNOW what you like, you KNOW who you're attracted to, and the only thing standing between you and happiness now is the ability to just accept it and to not feel shamed by it.
I understand completely how you feel regarding being emotionally cut off. I have no friends, and haven't had what I would consider a "close" friend in over 20 years. But I also recognize that it is in large part due to me never feeling like I could be open and honest with someone about myself.
It is said on here so many times about the need to make yourself vulnerable. It is very true. You can't get close to someone really if you're holding such a fundamental part of yourself back. For me, it always felt like yeah they like me, as long as I never let on about this side of myself. In reality, if they truly like you, it isn't gonna matter because they like YOU and not just your sexuality.
Kurt Cobain said before "I'd rather be hated for what I am, than loved for what I'm not". At least this is one way to look at things maybe.
You have nothing to be ashamed of and we have as much right to love whomever we want, just as much as any straight person does.

 

I feel that being emotionally distant is the way we become to deal with the 'issue' in life, a result of denial of who we are. I agree with angeluscrzy- I could not be free, open and honest about myself until I accepted myself. Until then, there was always the fear of what would happen if they find out/suspected? It sort of limits you to a great extent and prevents you from expressing your true self which has a negative effect on your personality and psyche. I am so much more happier now after I accepted myself.

You should consider yourself lucky to have someone you connect with so well emotionally and sexually.

 

I love that quote from Kurt Cobain. Thanks, Angeluscrzy.

 

Yeah, it just seems like a good mantra.

 

I love that quote from Kurt Cobain.

 

Wish I had the guts to put that on Facebook!

 

It doesn't overtly speak to sexuality, so why not?

 

Are you worried about people finding out or working it out?

 

Ok, I think you need to take a deep breath. Let's look at things one step at a time.

Firstly you are married, but separated and getting a divorce right? Does your husband know you are sleeping with a woman?

Secondly sure people like to gossip so I'm not going to lie and say nobody is going to say anything about the fact you were married and now you are with a woman but you know the thing about gossip is the open you are about it the shorter lived it is. I'm not saying you have to shout it from the roof tops but admitting your marriage didn't work and now you've fallen for a woman isn't a massive sin and if you just say yes it's true, people are mostly likely to be like oh ok and then next week or the week after there will be a new bit of gossip and everyone will move on.

Thirdly people will treat you differently, ok some might. I don't know about where you live but when I came out non of my friends changed. It was something I was really worried about when I was first coming out, that they would think I was checking them out or something but it really wasn't the case. As for people hitting on you or saying nice things you should just take that as a compliment or if you feel too uneasy ask them to stop.

It sounds like it's all happened a bit fast for you and your head can't quite keep up with your body. I know it can be tough but I think you have to try and embrace your attraction to women rather than try and hide it away. I think by hiding it away you are almost reinforcing the part of your brain that feels it is shameful and wrong.
You don't have to offer anything to this girl other than sex, you don't even have to offer sex that is entirely up to you. As long as you are both open and honest about the situation you are adults and that is up to you.
As for sleeping with someone at work, is there are rule against that where you work or is she your junior because if not then I really don't see it as a massive issue.

 

Haha I didn't know I had a desirable level of emotional intelligence . Stick around I'll try and share it around. I think I learnt it all from the lovely people here on EC so it's readily available, no need for a prescription.

I'm pretty sure you are not the first people to get it on at work, I've seen these hospital drama shows hahaha, only joking. I don't know about in the US but my girlfriend is a doctor and she has told me stories about people at work so I can't imagine it doesn't happen over there.

I think the problem is because you are dealing with so much you are hyper sensitive to comments and situations and are probably reading more into them than there is. Apart from the stress of hiding etc are you enjoying your time with this woman?

 

Why is it wrong, if you are both consenting and nobody is getting hurt then why should it be wrong?

 

It's ok to be surprised. It doesn't mean it's wrong. How do you feel if you look in the mirror and say, it's ok to be attracted to women and lesbian sex is not wrong.

Sounds like you need to read some other books and watch some other movies.

 

I agree with Silverhalo - trying to get it into perspective regarding being the source of gossip. Imagine yourself receiving gossip about someone else....you might find the gossip interesting for a short time, but it quickly becomes old news, as people are easily bored and fundamentally bound up with their own life issues, not yours.

I am not in a relationship with a woman but have told a selective few that I am bisexual or a lesbian and that it is making me feel anxious and worried right now, as my perception of myself has recently changed and it coincides with my marital breakdown. All have been supportive so far except one person, and this person is the one whose support is worth least to me, so I don't mind that she has changed her behaviour around me and started making laddish comments, as if I were "one of the lads" and reminding me of her heterosexuality (were I to forget!). It means I don't feel as if I have to be insincere or hide myself around those people and it really helps. Have you considered telling your ex- husband, before someone else does? It will be better coming from you than anyone else.