CW: Talk of sexual assault, genitals, masturbation, and things of sexual nature. Also this is gonna be really long bc there's a lot that goes into it so thanks in advance to anyone who actually reads this mess. I'm questioning if I could be asexual, or somewhere on the ace spectrum. However, I'm really unsure and struggling because I feel like while there are some things that definitely point to me being ace, there are a lot of other things that could definitely be having an effect on my sexuality. I have always been a very sex-interested person, both mentally and physically. In fact, I'm currently on the path to becoming a clinical sexologist. I come from a family where sexual jokes are normalized so much they're expected, and we take a lot of pride in our dirty senses of humor. Sex, to me, has never been some big, secret, taboo thing. I became sexual fairly young. I started writing dirty stories at about 11/12, masturbating at 14, and lost my virginity to a girl at 14/15 (I am AFAB). I used to consider sex to be a very important part of a relationship, as it to me was the ultimate connection and form of intimacy. Sex was something that empowered me. Now, I am 23, and for the past year or so my view of sex has taken a complete 180. I feel as though I went from being sex-obsessed to sex-repulsed overnight. I used to masturbate almost daily, sometimes multiple times a day. As of the last few months, I don't ever have the desire to do so. When I do, it's out of habit because I feel like I HAVE TO after doing it so often for so long. I can still reach climax, but it's not very enjoyable and feels like a chore. I used to watch porn for fun, and now half the time it makes me feel sick. Suddenly naked vaginas and breasts are making me extremely uncomfortable and nauseated, regardless of the context. I used to write smut like a champ, and now it's like my slate has been completely wiped clean. The most concerning part of this, to me, is my relationship with my FtM partner. We have been together for just over a year and a half now, and I never want to have sex with him. Not even in the sense of "I'm too tired, don't have the time, not appealing right now, etc." but sex to me has turned into something....gross?? The thought of someone putting their mouth near my genitals, or vice versa, and thinking about the tastes and the smells literally makes me feel physically sick. The first month or two of our relationship, although I was very nervous, I did want to have sex with him. The more we continued, the more nervous I got. I immediately blamed it on certain triggers (more on that in a bit) and have been working with him and my therapist on getting past that. But my desire to have sex with him continues to plummet. It went from "eh not today" to "...uh what excuse can I give not to do it for a while?" to "ugh. I could never." over the course of time. Once I realized that even with working through my triggers, things weren't getting any better, I thought maybe I just wasn't attracted to him sexually. I began hinting at things I thought might help, like suggesting he should take a shower first or letting him know how much I love when he's clean shaven. Thinking maybe if he cleaned up a little, I wouldn't be so grossed out. Not that he appears to not be hygenic, but idk. That's just where my mind went. That didn't really make a difference. So then I started trying to think about other people during sex or while pleasuring myself, like my celebrity crush Nikki Gould who I used to be able to cum to in like 10 second flat. Nothing. I can't even get off to her anymore, and trying to think about her sexually gives me that same "sickened" feeling. Ditto with other hot people, etc. I have no desire to have sex with ANYONE. My boyfriend and I have talked about this a lot. Ideally, when asked, he said we would be having sex once every other week or more. Which, a few years ago, I would have considered to be not frequently enough. But now, that seems like SO much. The thought of having sex twice a month seems exhausting. Sometimes I feel like I could just go forever without it and not have a single worry, and other times I'm like eh, I could dish it out once or twice a year. Again, this is all very recent. I'd say in the past year or so my thoughts have shifted to feeling this way. When he and I DO have sex, I feel so unsatisfied after. I typically don't reach climax or feel any sort of physical pleasure. I get tired. I get sore. I cramp up. It's boring. Last time we had sex and I initiated it, it was while watching one of our shows on Netflix. And I actually realy enjoyed having that to focus on bc it kept me from yawning and getting tired and making him upset. But when he asked to turn it off, I was no longer enjoying our intimacy. Recently, while thinking about this, I thought back to two memories from my past I had sort of surpressed I guess?? They both involve me being with past partners, whom I had been sexual with plenty of times, and getting REALLY anxious during sex. One time, I was with my long-term ex and we had arranged to do it at my grandmas while she was out of town (I was in high school at the time). We planned it for months. I did myself up all nice and bought sexy new clothes and everything. But when we got there, I couldn't do it. I got so anxious and nervous that I was shaking and felt ill. I kept looking for ways to get "distracted" or change the subject or ANYTHING. She ended up taking me home, and when she asked about it the next morning I blamed it on the painkillers I'd been taking for my ankle or something stupid like that and we never brought it back up. I never really dwelled on these memories before, but with everything else that's going on I can't help but wonder if there's a coorelation I should be taking account of. I know so far this all probably sounds like I'm ace, and that sexuality is fluid and my sexuality changed or whatever. Which, I'm not dismissing. But, as I mentioned before, i also feel like there are a lot of other things I have to consider that could be/are effecting this. First being, I was sexually assaulted by a male friend multiple times at 15/16. After this incident, I quickly realized I no longer found men attractive. Men to me in an intimate sense became a sort of trigger, especially cis men. This is the first relationship I have been in with a male since. Although he is a trans male and has an AFAB body and genitals, I do still obviously see him as a male. This has brought up A LOT of ghosts from my past that I pushed away after my sexual assault. I'm thinking about what happened with that guy when I was younger all the time now, much more than I ever did. I know for a fact this is something effecting my views on sex, and for a while thought it was the only thing. I figured it made sense - I'm dating a guy, so I'm experiencing natural triggers that I never had to face before. Now I'm not so sure, as I don't really see how this can lead to everything I'm feeling now. I do love my boyfriend, and I have no fear or worry that he would take advantage of me - so I know that's not a factor. Second, I recently began birth control for endometriosis. As I said, my interest in sex and aversion to it has gotten less and less over time. I did begin this birth control about a year ago. I have tried four different kinds due to side effects. I know that putting hormones in my body can make my sex drive go all out of wack. So could what I'm experiencing be just a serious loss of libido?? Makes some sense, except for the aversion stuff. I'm just very confused. And while I know I shouldn't be worried, I am. Because I worry that I am no longer myself. I worry that there has been SUCH a huge decline in my views on sex. I used to be such a sex positive person that I wanted to build a career around that for Christ sakes. I used to be super into BDSM and writing smut and these things were like awesome hobbies to me that made me happy and now they make me feel wrong and gross. If anyone has any insight, any similar experience, comments, concerns, etc. I would really appreciate it.
You are female, right? (I'm pretty sure female because you mentioned taking birth control) Anyways, the first thing I would do in your situation is check the side effects on all medications you are taking. Then talk to your general practitioner as soon as you can get an appointment. Hopeful it is simply a reactionary hormone shift because otherwise it has a lot of very negative implications for your life (not that asexuality is bad, just that sex seems your partner and job are very involved with the sex and sexual activities so it is necessary for your libido to be functioning normally for you). I would say, it is probably a combination of your past trauma and hormonal fluctuation. You might also be deficient in vitamin C, b-12, and other vitamins that regulate energy levels or have iron deficiency. But no matter what your doctor is the best immediate choice for trying to fix what appears to be a major problem for you right now.
It could really be a lot of things... And if you need a break, take it! Take all the time you need to to do what is right for you. For me, writing and talking about prior experiences, even the bad ones help me piece my thoughts and feelings together when I feel like I'm losing myself.
Nothing in your post remotely sounds like you're asexual, at least if we're using the widely understood meaning of the word. I concur with earlier posters that your revulsion and discomfort with sex is far more likely a byproduct of the trauma you experienced in your teens, along with the hormonal fluctuation. It is also possible there are some other underlying psychological issues connected with the emergence of the awareness about the traumas and experiences with previous boyfriends that are manifesting as depression or somewhere on that spectrum. I would suggest talking to a therapist and exploring how those issues are affecting you first. I think once you do that, you'll be able to reconnect to the sex-positive side of yourself which seems to be missing at the moment.
