Parents, Dysphoria, and Being Misgendered

Hey, I'm Sawyer, and I'm genderqueer. My pronouns are they/them.

I apologize in advance because this is going to be a long post. I'd love it if you read all the way through though, cause advice would be wonderful.

A while back, I posted about how my mom doesn't want me getting a binder, and that I've been wearing a sports bra that is significantly too small for me in order to make my breasts appear smaller, although the sports bra doesn't really do much for me, and is unfortunately probably unsafe.

A few things have happened that made me want to post again.

First of all, my mom told me that she thinks my dad will me angry with me if I get a binder. She says he'll view it as me trying to change myself. This was after the first time I talked to my mom about getting a binder and she said she didn't want me getting one. On a similar note, I brought up getting a binder multiple times after our initial conversation about getting a binder. My mom still doesn't want me getting a binder and the only thing that is really convincing her is my sister. My sister told me once that her gender is "yes" and is by far the most supportive person in my family. When she's around when I'm discussing binders with my mom, my sister brings up her boyfriend (who is trans) and today she told my mom about the binder she actually got for herself last year. My mom seems to listen to my sister more than me, and I think because of what my sister said to my mom, I have a way better chance of convincing her to get one.

Also, I recently realized that I much prefer being called he/him, Sir, Mister, and other masculine words than feminine ones. I don't know what this means about me and my gender identity, but I think it's worth noting. Whenever someone calls me a lady, uses she/her, or uses any typically feminine words to describe me, I feel an aching in my chest, and a sense of helplessness. It bothers me so much when people assume I'm a girl, because I know I'm not, and don't have the resources to make them understand that. I've been thinking, and I'd like to get top surgery when I'm older, and maybe even take t.

Going back to my mom, she used to be a psychologist but didn't really like her job, so no longer is one. But because of the psycologist in her, she absolutely loves sociology, and talks about it frequently. Often, she'll bring up gender and the way society has changed to be more accepting over time. You'd think that's a good thing, but many of the things she says rub me the wrong way. She's told me repeatedly that when she was younger, someone like me would just be considered and androgynous woman. I don't think she means to make me feel bad, but to me it seems as if she's telling me that I'm still a woman, and that the way I identify isn't really valid.

The other day, I looked in the mirror and kept thinking, "that person isn't me." In a way it's true. My breasts and curves don't feel right. They don't fit me. They fit a woman. I'm not a woman though. Sometimes when I look in the mirror I'll hold something right above where my breasts begin and look at my shoulders and imagine what I would look like with a flat chest. I don't know if this is a healthy way to think, but I can't really help it.

I think my sports bra is damaging my ribs. I've already mentioned that it's way too small, and I've noticed recently that it often hurts quite a bit. Even with it off, I sometimes feel like I'm not breathing as easily as I should be, I feel sharp pains on the sides of my ribs, and it's difficult to get comfortable without hurting my chest area. I'm afraid of hurting myself, but telling my mom will resort in her refusing to buy me a binder, and not wearing the sports bra at all results in a lot of dysphoria and constantly being misgendered in public. I suppose no matter what I do I'm always misgendered because nobody assumes I'm nonbinary, but what I mean is that people assume I'm female. Because as I already mentioned, I don't mind when people assume I'm male as much.

My family is trying to be supportive, but in many ways they fall short, and I feel bad being upset with them about it, because they try. Although they only try with some things and ignore others, at least they're trying at all, right? I can't help but feel impatient with them, but I feel bad that I do.

If you have any advice, I'd be ecstatic to hear it. Thanks. <3

 

I know that's true in theory, and I certainly believe in the context of other people, but when I see my curves and breasts, I can't help but think of them as feminine. On other people, breasts and curves don't seem feminine to me, but on myself, they do. The same goes for attractiveness, if someone looked exactly like me, I'd see them as cute, but I don't see myself as cute. I don't really know how to explain that, sorry. I have talked to her about my physical dysphoria before, but I haven't talked to her about cultures with nonbinary genders. I think that's I wonderful idea! Thanks so much for replying, I was starting to worry nobody would.

 

I don't know exactly what kind of sports bra I'm wearing now, it's just an old one I got at Target a few years ago. I've been looking for a sports bra that fits, but stores tend to mostly stock padded sports bras, which is immensely frustrating for me. I'll look into it though. Maybe I could check online? Your advice was helpful, and I'm really glad you replied. Thanks. <3

 

I definitely agree, and I know my mom would never intentionally say something to bother me, I'm just struggling at being patient with her ignorance. Thanks for replying.

 

Ikr?!?!