Reasons to stay in the closet?

My mom has a "Gay Superiority" Ideology, she thinks that gays are just better people in general
I know this should actually push me to coming out to her, but instead it just makes me angry.
I hate the idea that she might love me better just because I'm gay, I don't want to the center of attention and Im afraid that she might not respect my other siblings as much just because they are straight...

 

I mainly stay in the closet because of a few reasons:

1. My sexuality is on a need to know basis. It's my business and my business only. If I want someone to know or feel that it is necessary for them to know (i.e. I'm dating them), I will tell them. Otherwise I stay in the comfortable closet where I am at. Only one person so far knows I'm bi.

2. The distinct nature of my bisexuality doesn't really warrant a coming out. See, I'm only interested in men sexually, so I'd still only bring women home to meet the family. No point in mentioning someone I'd sleep with if there's not going to be a romantic relationship.

3. Like some others have said above, I don't want to be viewed differently. I don't want people to start acting different around me and become uncomfortable, nor do I want them to immediately think of my bisexuality as soon as they see me. I just want them to know me. Coming out changes things, things I'm not ready to face just yet.

 

Hi there...

Yes I moved back home after almost 7 years overseas and my sister and I take care of the home and parents etc... so it's tough being back at 37 and having to suppress everything - which seems silly but it's getting better. I am going back to how I was before coming out. I miss some friends but then again, some have proved to be genuine... I'm just a novelty that went overseas and came back. Their lives moved on without me and I should move on too I guess...

Life can be easier in the closet I agree. I never have to worry about someone hitting me or worse because they will never know.
One of my coworkers knows I am gay and she may have outed me to others ... because now they all seem to want to find me a partner and and one lady asked me what sort of guy I liked. I didn't know she knew

 

I'm a selfish evil person and I wish I had this problem. You can have my unsatisfiable parents who are only somewhat accepting of other people being gay whenever you want. ;(

 

Well, honestly, I don't want to come out to my extended family because they are somewhat homophobic. They wouldn't like, disown me, I don't think, but, I'm pretty sure I would once again be the center of their verbal abusive. You'd think I wouldn't care at this point because they always pick on me anyway, but I don't think I can bare to see them laughing at my sexuality. If I was a stronger person perhaps I would think it was funny. Maybe one day I will think it is funny. But I still feel hurt from the ostracism and bullying I received from them growing up. I wasn't planning on coming out to my family at all, the only reason why I came out to some of them is because one of my siblings came out, and so I came out to them when they came out to me, and then one of my parents went through these old papers I had written on and forgotten about a long time ago and found out that I was gay. It's annoying that they know because that parent will sometimes make homophobic comments just for fun to annoy me. They also like to say how accepting of gay people they are and that they are not homophobic. Even though they kinda are...

 

* I'm a fairly reserved person, so I don't talk much about stuff like that
* There's kind of a weird sense of power. My parents are paying for schooling and I live with them. I know for sure they won't take it well, it's just a matter of how badly. I'd rather not get stuck in a shitty situation at home, I'd rather be able to be just run off back to my own place when shit hits the fan.

That being said, it feels so good being out, and the little things that I thought wouldn't mean that much to me, do. I'm out to my only irl friend and something as simple as getting asked "that guy?" at the pub can really brighten my day.

 

I'm still in the closet because...
1. I'm not entirely sure of myself yet and want to explore my sexuality a little more until I fully come out
2. I can't really be bothered to explain it and it just hasn't naturally come up in conversations with people close to me
3. The people who truly need to know (or who I need to know at this time) already do and
4. I know there are relatives that won't take it well, or will cause trouble or tell me I'm wrong and deny my feelings, which I'm not mature enough to cope with yet

 

I'm completely independent anyways so I don't have to worry about anything in that regard, but yes, I have full confidence that my parents would still love me. I do think they'd be severely disappointed and hurt though, and it's very difficult for me to consider doing that when I no longer feel like I'd benefit much from being out. For what it's worth, there is this one boy I really liked and if I had a genuine chance to be with him, I would come out. He doesn't like me though, and that doesn't seem to be enough for me to say "Okay, I'll come out and then try to find someone who wants me." Everything I do is backwards, lol.

You're absolutely right though; there is never a perfect opportunity to come out. If you want it to happen at some point you have to just do it and accept whatever the consequences are.

 

For me, I'm afraid of how my family will judge me. Not so much my mom, as she knows what's going on with me and is very open & supportive. But I'm worried about my grandparents, uncles, and my aunts and how they might react. They sometimes say homophobic things without realizing it, and since they don't know I'm gay, they aren't afraid to throw words around. They're really not bad people, they're just unaware and they don't know a lot about what it means to be gay.

I'm also scared to come out at work. I'm a teacher, and really my sexual orientation isn't anyone's business at work. But I still don't think I would come out to my students and peers because I want to keep my job without any stigma or negative impacts. So when people assume I'm straight, it makes me incredibly uncomfortable, but I just take it and ignore the feelings. Also, because I work with teens and other people, some of my less informed peers might associate being gay as being dangerous around the students or female teachers. Some people seem to associate homosexuality with pedophiles, which again makes me incredibly uncomfortable (because it's nothing like that at all). But some more ignorant peers of mine believe that if I'm attracted to other women, that I might try to pull something on another female teacher or a female student at work. That's an awful way to think, especially since the majority of cases with inappropriate student-teacher relations involves heterosexual white men. And the fact that I care so much about my students and that I'm so passionate for teaching makes it hurt all the more to think that my peers would think I'm a danger to the kiddos simply because I'm gay. So I keep it quiet, lay low, and play the straight part while I'm at work.

Also, I live in a somewhat small town in central California. Many people here are very Christian and very conservative. Things have gotten better over the years for sure...I remember back in 2008 when I was starting college things were really tough for the LGBT+ community. But I still fear how others will treat me or think of me. People tend to assume that if I'm gay that there's something wrong with me and that I need to be helped or healed or cured or prayed for. Furthermore, people in my town seem to treat being gay as a joke, and I find that little is done to combat bullying or harassment when it comes to LGBT+ issues (something I'm passionate about and that I stand up for when it comes to my LGBT students who get bullied). Otherwise, I prefer to keep my sexuality my business, and I avoid opening up about it to anyone who doesn't already know and accept me for who I am.

 

No I know its nothing to complain about, Im just worried of what it might do to my siblings :/

 

a) My family would flip. I've already tried telling two family members that are less "super religious" and they both just flat out denied my identity...as if I built up all that courage to lie to them (?) The rest of my family is pretty religious and don't have an easy time with gay people. They accept them with the bare minimum of just not using slurs

b) Don't want to be seen as special or "the talk of town" in my school. My school's pretty small, so if I tell at least one irresponsible person it'll float around and probably become a rumour or something. It sucks having people perceive me as someone who would date/be romantically involved with a boy, but it's not as bad as having people whispering behind my back as I pass by :*(

 

1) My parents. I went through a very traumatic experience whenever I came out the first time back in 2009-10. It was so traumatic that I don't think I could go through it again. In fact I know I couldn't. My dad is an Independent Baptist pastor and my entire family is ultra-religious and conservative.

2) My location. I live in one of the most conservative parts of the US. There are gay people here but it's not very accepted. Me coming out would mean that I would have to face the people in my life who would not accept me as a gay man.

 

I don't think being LGBT is any better or worse than otherwise, but it does give us some unique experiences that we can use to our advantage if we choose to.

Even in today's world that is tending toward tolerance, we are different and we have to deal with it. I think this causes us to question assumptions, challenge the status quo, and live according to who we are rather than live according to a traditional heterosexual norm. We can look like trailblazers on the outside, but it can be a scary experience to be on the outside of the mainstream, even in your family.

I think a lot of gay men in particular compensate for being different and for gay shame by over-achieving, over-producing, over-compensating - Alan Downs writes really well on this in The Velvet Rage. Not that our accomplishments are anything to regret or not own and be proud of, but sometimes our awesomeness compensates for shame, and this is something we have to reconcile for ourselves.

So yes, while I think it's great being LGBT and we do receive gifts, it's not without challenges and it's not "special". I want to reach a point where I'm not gay Patrick, I'm just Patrick, just me, and "just" me is enough.

Patrick

 

Unfortunately, I know that my father and his side of the family are super conservative and traditional when it comes to gender roles and orientation. I have had talks with him about his opinions on theLGBTQ+ community and from what he has expressed, I know that he would refuse to accept how I am. He has even gone far as to saying that if one of his children came out as anything but cis/straight, he would "try again" and have more kids to have the satisfaction of having a normal family.

OP, I really hope your situation works out in your favor.

 

I was out to my parents back in 2009-10. Long story short, afterwards they harassed me relentlessly and eventually manipulated me into going back into the closet, moving back to my hometown, and even doing conversion therapy. Here is a thread I posted about the situation back in 2014. Unfortunately here we are three years later and there has been very little progress in my life. We are going on about seven years since I've been able to genuinely be myself.

https://forum.emptyclosets.com/index.php?threads/extreme-fundamentalist-parents.372135/

Some would be okay with it while others would not, I am certain. The biggest barrier is just getting the courage to say "I'm gay." Those are the two hardest words to say. It's really hard to believe I was out and proud seven years ago. Conversion therapy did a number on me.

I hate where I live, but I am stuck here for financial reasons. I feel like a failure because I moved away, swearing I would never move back but after three years of manipulation by my parents I ended up doing so. Moving is not an option or is it possible until at least 2020.

 

Me and my family were extremely close before I came out. Me and my mother talked every day. After I came out though, I remember my mom telling me how it felt like there had been a death in the family. She told me how it felt like when she talked to me, she was talking with Satan himself.

I can definitely relate. My parents have backed off a bit over the past could of years but they still are far too controlling. They have expectations that I am expected to live up to, even as an adult, that I can never meet.

I don't live with them or depend on them. However, I do care about their welfare because I love them as my family.