Really struggling at the moment. I have a history of mental health issues since childhood and I've seen a few therapists. I worked really hard on isues like my self esteem and negative self image and I felt I was getting into a really good place. Then came the issue of my sexuality which was something that was always in the background for me but I was in denial about for whatever reason. Since developing very strong feelings for another woman who is completely unattainable (painful) I've ended my relationship with my partner and now I'm a single mum. Trouble is, single parenting and the end of a 10 relationship is so hard. I cry every day and I can't stop. I cry in front of my daughter. I feel I'm really struggling. I can feel that horrible negative voice of depression creeping in to everything I do again but I don't have the strength to fight it off. I had found going on long walks/runs was so valuable to help with depression but I can't do that now cause I have my daughter all the time. And I feel guilty for feeling depressed cause I know that will impact my daughter negatively as I was brought up by a mother with depression. I just don't know what to do. I'm hoping there's someone out there who's been through this that can offer some advice/reassurance?
I'm really sorry to hear you're in a difficult place at the moment. You've got a lot going on and have been through some big changes. Be kind to yourself, it's going to take time to adjust. Have you been to see your GP? Are you receiving professional help? Do you have support in real life? Is there anyone who could look after your daughter for an hour or so? *hugs*
Is your daughter old enough to ride a bike? Could you walk or jog while she rides beside you? You could do it as a regular thing until she can go fast enough for you to run. Just a thought.
Thanks for your reply. I haven't been to the GP cause it will just result in them offering anti depressants which I don't want. I do have friends/family around but most are busy with their families at the weekend so difficult to find support at these times. Thanks for your reply though it really does help to be able to get some support on here.
Thanks, that's a fab idea but it's hard work getting her on her bike she really doesn't like it for some reason. Maybe as she gets a bit older that will be an option though..
Hmm. Maybe if you went out for a walk with her and the bike but didn't offer her the bike, after a while she might ask to ride it? You'd need to be prepared for the possibility that she doesn't, though. :}
Your situation is so similar to mine! I was sitting here reading it and thinking i could have written the exact same thing! I split from my husband 6 months ago, we were together 11 years. I fell for my sons unattainable teacher and it was/still is the most painful thing for me. Much like you, i have a history of mental health issues, going back to my early teens and i still see a therapist to this day. After i split from my husband i fell into a really dark place, the reality of caring for my kids on my own was wearing me down and i just couldn't deal. I had thoughts about not wanting to be here, wishing i just wouldn't wake up. It was horrible. I was lonely and i was scared of myself. So i really understand been in such a dark pkace and i empathise so much! I guess for me, things started becoming somewhat bearable about a month or so ago. I started spending time with a nice girl and overall really trying to get out, do art, which i hadn't done since i left my husband etc. I've since stopped seeing the girl and i was petrified of going back to that bad place, but so far I'm keeping my head above water. I'm trying to keep busy, I'm journalling, reading, taking my kids out etc. All things i couldn't do a few months ago. I'm just trying my best. I've had a couple of bad days but I'm really trying to avoid climbing into bed and staying there. I've literally banned myself from my bed during the day. I'm not sure if what I've told you is at all helpful, but i do understand and I'm always here to talk, just post on my wall or post here... You're not alone! xx As for the crying in front of your daughter, i cried in front of my boys- a lot. I felt bad for that as well but we're human, we are struggling and it's ok to be vulnerable in front of our kids sometimes.
Thanks for replying. It really does help to hear from someone who's been through it and is coming out the other side. I was seeing a girl as well recently but it's now ended, but she wasn't good for me and it has kind of dented my confidence, which I've worked on a lot over the years but I suppose its still developing so a little fragile. So much going on it makes my head spin sometimes! I still see the unattainable one all the time as well and since starting to see this other girl my feelings for her are far less intense but I know there's potential for them to flare up again if I let it. Do you still see your sons teacher? It sounds like you're doing really well with everything. It's hard with mental health issues in the mix I know xx
Hi, just wanted to say I relate as well to what you are going thru. I have been raising 3 girls as a single father for the last 2 years. I work 60+hr weeks and am only getting by thru using my credit cards. It probably is the most stressful and difficult thing I've gone thru. However, I wouldn't ever wish to go back to being with their mother. My kids are all teenagers so in some ways that does make certain aspects easier, but nonetheless I carry guilt over how much time I miss at home. The only advice to really give is to just keep fighting because our kids need us and they look to us for guidance. There is nothing wrong with crying in front of your kids. If anything it humanizes you to them I believe. Your child(ren) may see you cry, but you just keep fighting and they will also see you rise above it and come out the other side stronger for the experience. One closing thought, to anyone with young children, is to just be honest with them. Be age appropriate of course, but just be honest. As I have seen, they will appreciate that you respect them enough as individuals not to sugar coat things too much or shield them from it all. Kids are so much smarter than we think and they pick up on a lot of the subtle things too. I think by doing so you also better prepare them for when they enter out into the real world. I truly wish you the best of luck and that you are able to find your happiness.
I understand the dented confidence. I'm feeling much the same right now. The girl i was seeing ended things with me because of my mental health. She liked feeling good me, she couldn't deal with the first sight of anything but that. I'm trying to remind myself that there will be people who understand and will want to take the effort with me but it's hard not to dwell. It's hard not to focus on that I'm too complicated to date and I'm not worth it etc. I see the teacher every week, it's school holidays now so i won't see her for two weeks though. I understand the "flare" of feelings. I have that as well. The feelings will dull and i think I'm moving on and then she does something lovely, checks in on me, tells me something personal in confidence etc and they flare up all over again. I'm doing ok. And ok is better than bad. So I'll take it. But everyday i worry that I'm going to come crashing down again. How are you feeling today?
Thank you for your reply and you're so right about keeping on fighting. I find myself almost pep talking myself to that effect every day! Just keep moving, keep going, and I'll get there. I thought crying in front of my daughter was ok until my mum and sister both said I need to be careful not to make her anxious by doing it. But I really can't help it, it just floods out. It must take a great deal of strength to raise 3 on your own, and it sounds like you have a good perspective on it all. Best of luck to you and your daughters too!
I'm doing better today thanks. The weekend was hard but being back at work and having a degree of distraction seems to help. Also my daughters been with her Dad so I've been out on a big walk. I'm seeing the unattainable woman tonight though so bit worried about that, we were friends before any of my other feelings developed though and it does feel like we've been more in the friend space lately so that's good. It could be we're both just not facing up to it/denying it at the moment though. We're going away together for the weekend soon as well so I have a feeling the truth will come out then. Eek. I know it's hard but try not to give in to those feelings of not being worth it, that's simply not true. Keep fighting and you'll come out on top for sure. I know depression etc messes with your perception of things so remember that when you're feeling down nothing has changed in your situation but the angle in which you are seeing things.
