This question is really for those that have realised their true sexuality later in life, having lived a "straight" lifestyle first. I have a friend that is nearly married, has kids, basically lives the life of a typical straight man BUT although he insists on not being bi/gay, he is starting to test the boundaries of his sexuality. I know it isn't for me to question his sexuality but I'm trying to become more understanding of his changing behaviours and expressions. Importantly, whilst I do want to be able to support him, I do not want to encourage a situation where he develops romantic (or fauxmantic) feeling for me. So my question is, before you came out did you "play the straight game" i.e. doing all the things expected by society just because it's what you thought you should do? If so did you know at the time or was it just something you realised by looking back at life? If you had attractions for the same gender, what excuses did you tell yourself to justify them?
check how does he test the boundaries? I "played the straight game" because I didn't really have any role models for the gay game growing up. It depends on how you define "know". The gay signals were always there in my brain, so I've always known at some level that I was gay. Having said that. I did not accept or understand how to interpret the signals until after coming out. It's a very complicated dynamic. The gay signals are there yet justified per your next question. In addition to what I said above, I took another page from the straight game - I envied guys who had girlfriends when in fact I was really attracted to the guys. I also hid my lack of attraction to girls by focusing on academics, which provided the perfect cover.
To me, the # of "ifs" in your post indicate there are other things going on beyond your questions about "straight lifestyle" It sounds like u are attracted to him, but are rightly unsure of what could happen between the 2 of u due to his situation. I suggest being honest w him about your attraction, & seeing his response. I'd be careful, as it sounds like u have more to lose than he does (he has his wife & kids) Then evaluate whether the situation is right for the 2 of u to get closer.
Just because you're supportive of him it doesnt mean to say he will start fancying you. I think thats a bit of a leap, you might not even be his type. I've not lead a straight lifestyle but I thought I'd answer anyway. Also a lot of people men and women are like your mate.
Calf.....I'll respond to the "playing the game" question. Did I "play the game" of being straight before I came out....Ah, gee, let's see...Oh yeah, only for 55 years. I was 15 in 1965 and by then there was no doubt in my mind that I would never tell anyone that I was homosexual (didn't use "gay" at that time). I would go to the grave with that secret. I thought that I was broken, born wrong and that there was no one else like me. So I hid....until I was 65 (I knew by age 10). Sometimes over the years I could forget about it. Sometimes over the years I was in the deepest depression. I learned to cry myself to sleep silently when the quiet night brought all the demons of my same-sex attraction down on me, trying to smother me with guilt. Did I try to justify me ss attraction...no I tried to hide from it and it did not work. Gradually it overcame me, because it was me. It literally forced me to choose between finally accepting myself or entering into a permanent depression and mental breakdown that would have destroyed me as a person. If we try to fight who we truly are we will eventually destroy who we truly are.....David
Some of the conversations we've had about sexuality have had telling signs but hard to give a specific point. He does play flirt with me, as most of my straight male friends do, but sometimes it feels like he makes it more than the usual banter. He recently told me that he had exchanged 'intimate' photos with a gay man online. Thanks for the response. I'm not sure how this came across but there's no risk of a relationship between us. I'm in a long-term committed relationship for one but I don't have any sexual/romantic attraction towards him even if I was a free agent. I maybe didn't express this very well but my concern isn't him fancying me, it's me inadvertently encouraging it. i.e. letting him think that by supporting him, I have an attraction towards him. It's quite common for a gay person at any life stage to fall for the first gay person that offers them some comfort and a link to the life they desire.
Thanks for your open reply, it's really helpful. If you don't mind me asking further, was there ever a time where somebody questioned or discussed your sexuality before you came out? If they did, was it a positive experience? If not, do you think it would have been any benefit?
Whenever I had same sex attraction (which my mind did not register as 'attraction'), I would justify it as being in awe of their personality and wanting to be like them or be with them. I would feel like looking at them or having some sort of physical contact with them. There have been times when I have followed them around from a distance (not bothering to think why I am doing so). Also there was a time when I even held hands with someone! A guy in school kissed me on the cheek and I liked it and wanted more.. Very naïve and stupid because it is attraction.
Thanks, it's helpful to see it from that viewpoint. I never had this experience so I don't want to rely on only my own perspective. The perception of being in awe rather than accepting it as attraction has made me think carefully about some of the things he has told me in the past... And naive, maybe but I wouldn't say you were being stupid. It's all just part of the human experience I suppose.
Calf... "was there ever a time where somebody questioned or discussed your sexuality before you came out?" My therapist asked me this several times when I first started going to him. I don't think he really believed me at first, but he has since changed his mind....No my sexuality was never questioned, or if it was I never heard about it. When I came out to my wife (May 2106) she didn't believe me at first. She said she was very confused as to why I would say something like that and why I was so emotionally broken when I said it as she knew it couldn't be true. After all at that point we had been married for 38 years and she knew me very, very well. A few days after I came out to her we talked about it again. She asked a few questions, I answered and also told her a few more things. The next day she sat down with me and said that she was beginning to understand. She said that at first she just didn't believe it, then she said she got mad. After our second chat she said she realized that some things that she had never understood and had chalked up to the oddness of most musicians (vocalist and instrumentalist my whole life) started to make sense. Finally she realized that it did fit although she had never seen it previously. I have gotten the same "shocked" reaction from everyone that I have come out to...so far no " yeah, I knew all along" reactions. I know that if anyone would have suggested that I was gay before I accepted that it was ok and that I wasn't broken...even if they had done it in a kind, caring and supportive way....I would have denied it totally....and probably acted shocked that they would even think that it was possible. ......David
Not naive or stupid. I think only in retrospect could you have known. At the time it was probably literally unthinkable and bold. Patrick
