1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Somewhat talking to my ex, and happy, but he lied about something...

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by ThisLoneWolf, Jul 2, 2017.

  1. ThisLoneWolf

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 1, 2017
    Messages:
    11
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    CA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    SO, I will try my best to explain without any unneeded details. But you can feel free to ask.
    ME and my ex had dated for 4 years. We are both gay, Im 21 hes 19. About a year ago we broke up because we were to dependent on eachother and needed to break the cycle. he also broke up with me for a few months, (after the first year) for insecurity related reasons. During the first breakup , he dated another guy but it didn't last long before he came back to me. I was jealous and he lied about their relationship a little bit to protect my feelings of jealousy. I had small trust issues for a while, but he never seemed to lie about anything major so i eventually got over it.
    Well anyways the very last time we broke up (last year) he got back with this guy for a month or two, Most likely out of loneliness. I saw a picture of them kissing on instagram months ago during that time, but it was gone soon after. so i thought, "oh well we arent together anymore so it doesnt matter. I was a little hurt by it though, not going to lie. \
    The other day we were hanging out & hit it off just like we used to. We were reflecting on our mistakes during the relationship and the breakup. The whole hangout went really well and i would say we have a very good chance at reconciliation. Except one thing.. I think he lied to me about one thing. He was talking about he and that dude hung out during the breakup, but that nothing happened & they weren't dating. I said "oh well, I thought you two at least kissed a bit, & i dont care because im over it. He said "no we really didn't actually" & i told him i had saw the picture of them kissing. He denied it and i didn't want to argue so i said "ill just believe you"
    In the past, anytime he lied about something i would get him to admit it and hold it against him, and if he told the truth i would get mad. So i think this mistake had an impact on his openness and honesty with me to some degree. Also he knows i was hurt from this guy during the last breakup due to my reactions. But my ex has this other friend that he is great friends with, & he was open about how the tried stuff together but they feel better as just friends. And i didnt get jealous or insecure this time. So i want to think theres a chance of him being honest & open about other things in the future. Maybe he just knows that other guy had hurt me in the past, so he didnt want me to react.
    I just don't know if this is something i can overlook. I know he is a great person in many ways, But i wish there was a way to eventually show him that he doesnt have to lie to me about stupid things, especially things that are in the past. I won't get insecure about it anymore like i used to, but i do get hurt when he lies, even if he is trying to protect my feelings,.
    Hope you guys have some input that can help me get through this. Ask about any details that you need to know. I really want things to work with him. I feel an amazing connection, and we went through so much together, i dont want that to end. Things went really well during our recent hangouts, besides the possible lie.
     
    #1 ThisLoneWolf, Jul 2, 2017
    Last edited: Jul 2, 2017
  2. ThisLoneWolf

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 1, 2017
    Messages:
    11
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    CA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    someone Please help as soon as you can. Im having a really hard time right now & no one to talk to.
     
  3. Nocturnal Lord

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 24, 2017
    Messages:
    31
    Likes Received:
    8
    Location:
    Pennsylvania
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Honestly; I'm not sure what to say. But from the looks of it; It seems you both genuinly feel something for eachother. And sometimes you guy's bicker over some thing's, and you just really would like to know what's going on. You care. I honestly will say this, Don't concentrate on all the negative thing's he does at the moment. As he should do the same. Instead of thinking about the things that have happened; think about why you love him. "Why do I love him? How did I fall for him? Why does he hold a key to my heart? What's so great about him compared to others that I can't resist?"

    You may think sometimes he's malicious; not sure of his intention's, but I feel like he is worried that you'll think of him as the one that broke your heart before. And so he display's certain behavior's. Yes; it's not awesome that he may lie to you; but he has his reason's. He truely dosen't want to see you heart. Focus your thoughts more on stuff like "What are we going to do tommorrow, Why should I make thing's complicated for myself at the moment? I want to be happy. Not paranoid the rest of my life."

    Patience. Just go with it; and see what happens. But for now, focus on how you really love him. Sorry if my advice isn't that great, but; just relax. Be patience. And you will see the results of your actions and his.
     
    ThisLoneWolf likes this.
  4. ThisLoneWolf

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 1, 2017
    Messages:
    11
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    CA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Honestly youre reply really helped me feel like im not crazy for giving it a chance. Its just so hard to know i saw what i saw and have someone i love lie to me about it. I just hope that just because he lied about this, doesn't mean he will lie about much bigger things someday. I just hear people say if someone lies they are never going to change, ect. What he lied about is soo not important, but it makes me feel scared to trust him again. & you're right, he probably didnt want to see me hurt, or just didnt want to feel blamed for it like back in the day:/ I just sort of need to have more hope that if i change my behavior, he will eventually change his. I guess its worth a try to give it plently of time, but do you think i should just let it go if i really care about him and want this to work or should i try and talk to him about it more & risk having an argument just to get him to admit it? i am genuinly scared he will hurt me even more. i am very sensitive. Thanks so much:slight_smile:
     
  5. Nocturnal Lord

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 24, 2017
    Messages:
    31
    Likes Received:
    8
    Location:
    Pennsylvania
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Welcome! ^-^ Honestly, in all seriousness; I would just roll with it. Not bring it up to avoid conflict. You never know if either you or him might get really set off even from that one argument- leading to a breakup. You technically don't have to let it go. Just don't bring it up in conversation. If he continues to lie; eventually he will slip up when you have evidence.
    And if you find hard evidence that proves his lies; and he disagree's and deny's it. Then I'm afriad to say; that when you will need to really reconsider the relationship. If it's one thing I've learned; people can only get away with things for so long until it hits them hard one day.
    Go with it; and see what happens. I have a good feeling you will know what to do in any situation that arises if it does. Time will defiantly tell. Believe me!

    For better or for worse. But for right now; worry about spending time together. Suprize him with the fact that your not too concerned with it. For it may amaze him in a way. You'll be just fine!
     
  6. ThisLoneWolf

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 1, 2017
    Messages:
    11
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    CA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I am going to try my best & i think this is some great advise. I do want to keep my guard up a bit, & im def not really able to let it go (in my mind) but i just wish i could help my anxiety associated with it. I feel extremely vulnerable & scared.. But i know i need to try something different then i did in the past. So that probably means either looking past the lie for now, or giving up completely on him (which i don't think i should do yet). I just tend to have depression which makes me feel like everything is hopeless and will never change. And thank you so much, dont worry about replying again if you dont want, youve done more than enough. Maybe someone else will chime in if they get the chance
     
  7. ThisLoneWolf

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 1, 2017
    Messages:
    11
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    CA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Is still need some help, my anxiety is getting the best of me again. I dont know if im wasting my energy worrying about it or if i just need to suck it up and try to talk to him again.:/
     
    #7 ThisLoneWolf, Jul 3, 2017
    Last edited: Jul 3, 2017
  8. Quantumreality

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 25, 2016
    Messages:
    4,311
    Likes Received:
    329
    Location:
    Arizona, USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hey ThisLoneWolf,

    To be blunt, both of you sound like you have insecurity and trust issues.

    Why should anything that happened romantically in the past between your ex and anyone else when the two of you were apart make any real difference to you?

    It seems pretty clear that your past reactions to things probably make him very wary, at the least to be open with you about them:

    If the two of you can’t have a trusting, open, 2way communication (and that includes not holding things against each other for being open), then I don’t see how the two of you can really have a viable, longterm relationship, do you?

    Sometimes trust can be lost, but re-earned. What, if anything, do you think can restore your trust in him? What, if anything, does he think that you can do to restore his trust in you? Perhaps the two of you need to have a heart-to-heart discussion about the future of your relationship. Maybe you’ll find a way to move forward (such as with couple’s counseling if both of you are serious about maintaining a romantic relationship) or perhaps you’ll mutually decide that it is best to remain non-romantic friends.

    Just some thoughts.
     
  9. ThisLoneWolf

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 1, 2017
    Messages:
    11
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    CA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Thanks for your reply quantum. So first off, I want to make it very clear that for the last year i have been working on my insecurity issues, & i feel i am getting a pretty good handle on things. I still do get insecure/jealous but I can more let my ego float by to where i don't let it control me. What im getting at is that youre right. Anything that happened between anyone & my ex is doesnt make ANY difference to me whatsoever. It is strictly the fact that he couldnt be open about it that bugs me a little. I had bfs & fwb when we were apart, but i was open about it when it came up in conversation & i expect the same. But again you are right, that its not important.
    What i want pointers on, is how to (over time) make him feel more comfortable being open and honest, or not hiding things (no matter how important or minor)? This is honestly the main reason that i have lost a bit of trust, & the way i could gain it back is if he were able to be honest about anything. I have decided to never bring this particular situation up to him ever again & just let it go as it is not important. But.. DO you think if i show him that i won't act out on insecurities (by being accepting when he is open about things) & not hold anything against him in the future, then it will be easier for him to be open about most things? Im thinking that may be a way for him to gain his trust in me back.
    We do seem to communicate and articulate our feelings pretty well & we definitely seem to understand each other very well. Just a bump in the road, but i think we certainly have potential in the long term. especially with how much we have both matured in the last year. Thanks again quantum
     
    #9 ThisLoneWolf, Jul 7, 2017
    Last edited: Jul 7, 2017
  10. Quantumreality

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 25, 2016
    Messages:
    4,311
    Likes Received:
    329
    Location:
    Arizona, USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hey ThisLoneWolf,

    That would certainly seem possible, but it will take time. The only way to show him is to act consistently (i.e. stop acting out on insecurities and being completely open and honest with him). But it will definitely not happen overnight.

    If the two of you decide that you are serious about working for a longterm relationship, then I would also suggest that you consider going to couples counseling together. A professional therapist could help the two of you reestablish trust and get you on the same sheet of music regarding your relationship.

    I wish you all the best!:slight_smile: