Parting ways with a therapist has left me conflicted

I'm a gay woman, 30ish, who recently came out this year. I still struggle w/internalized homophobia and the guilt and shame surrounding my sexuality and go have been going to therapy for that and anxiety/panic attacks.

I also have attachment issues; I vacillate between fearful avoidant and preoccupied anxious (the latter occurring only when I've allowed a deep connection/emotional tie to be established, something I fight off).

I've been seeing my female therapist for over a year now. It's taken a lot for me to stay with her for that long and she's the only therapist, out of the few I've seen over the past 20 years, who has stuck for me. A little over a month ago, something happened...I went to a strip club and rec'd a lap dance from a woman who slightly resembled her. My therapist is a few years younger and very pretty, but I had never really felt an attraction to her. At the end of the night, the gal who danced for me exited the club in plain clothes and I became deeply upset when I saw just how much this dancer and my therapist really did resemble each other.

Long story short, I freaked out, wondered what this meant, considered leaving therapy and then discovered that I couldn't quite run away from this like I normally do. I stumbled upon the fact that I am slightly attached and have an emotional tie to my therapist. Not good for someone like me who avoids attachment of any sort (for the most part). For the better part of a month, she and I have had to talk about this. Each session is painful and staying, rather than running, flies in the face of my nature.
I've found myself hoping that she'll mess up, say the wrong thing and then I can exit therapy, allowing me to avoid blame that I ran away like I usually do.

Yesterday, we had an argument. While I joke around that I considered not being there (at therapy) and she rolls her eyes and says, "Oh God, not again" this is very much the truth. It is difficult to be there.

The session began a bit chippy. I found myself questioning if she had a bad day, as she was shorter and we were both talking over the other.

I had recently found an article online that suggested that for avoidant clients like myself, it's key to be partnered with a therapist who challenges that and engages their attachment system, along w/many other key aspects. I knew, for the past month, that I was going to need to have her challenge me and this was the prime example to back-up what I've known to be true and felt ready for. I presented her w/the article and told her I needed her help w/this. She refused. She said my anxiety and panic, along w/the guilt and shame over my sexuality, are still overtaking me and she didn't think I was ready to be triggered along those lines.

I feel that after a year and three months of therapy w/her, I'm past talking about how my previous week was and getting patched up by her to get through to the next week.

We went back and forth, again, talking over the other. She was leaned forward, while I held my head in my hands and only looked up to shake my head. We both talked over the other. I seemingly offended her role as a therapist when I heard her say, "I'm the professional here..."
That was not the intention. I feel like I know what I've needed (for the past month) and I stumbled on much evidence backing up what I've felt intuitively.

At the end, I point blank asked her, "Are you refusing to help me in this way?"
"Yes, I'm refusing this. You're not ready." My reply was a dead-pan, "Well...there ya go."

I sat for a second and considered the stalemate. I gathered my belongings, twenty minutes shy of the usual 50 minute session and walked to the door. As I opened it, I said, "I know I owe you money and have to get you paid. I'll mail them in."
I started to walk out when I heard her say, "Nice. Real nice (my name)."

I closed her door and began to walk towards the exit. A few seconds later, I heard her door open and immediately slam shut. She had opened it again and slammed it behind me. I left her office and drove off, upset.

I've woken up today a bit sad, confused, and conflicted. She's been a presence in my life for over a year, which is huge for me. I spend more time with her in a 50 minute weekly session than I do with family or friends. To not have that...well, the devastation is barely seeping in and won't hit me until I'm not getting ready for my next appointment.

My family and friends suggest that this may be a good thing...half way during my time with her in therapy, she had told me that if I wasn't her client, we'd be friends...something that didn't sit well with those in my life. People wonder if she and I are too friendly.

After the issues w/the strip club incident, knowing how I was conflicted and wondering if I was attracted to her, at the end of the session she talked about how she had been invited to try-outs at a strip club a few years back.

When I told her that maybe she and the stripper didn't look that much alike and it was only their very similar hairstyle and tan, she replied, "Oh (my name), you know that she and I have much more in common than just our hairstyle!!" I didn't know how to take this and began to stutter. I was trying to separate the two women, while that comment alone sent me reeling backwards.

She's not specialized w/LGBT issues, which is a biggie. I revealed to her that the stripper who gave me a lap dance began to do something during that time and looked at me as I stared at her and that when I saw this, I had to look away. I didn't want this beautiful woman looking at me as I looked in her in that "more than a friend/attraction" sort of a way. I felt much guilt and shame. Upon revealing this to my therapist, all I got was, "Uh huh." And onto the next subject.

I'm conflicted because I'm attached to her, but she flat out refused to even consider challenging me more. I feel like she doesn't do it enough. I feel very upset this morning. I know that I reacted in a defensive manner and I should have been a bit more patient, not talking over her...

It's rare for me to be attached to anyone, truly. I do certain things to keep people at bay that preserve my nature. Staying with her in therapy, working things out, flies in the face of all that I know. My nervous system becomes activated and the defensive part of my brain becomes on guard when I develop an emotional tie. It's a painful experience, but I was trying to work through it. I thought she'd be the perfect person to help me with this and use my attachment towards her as a benefit, but that isn't going to happen now.

 

Thank you for your reply. I'm deeply conflicted, as I was attached to her. It's starting to hit me that she isn't going to be in my life anymore.

I thought I was ready for the attachment stuff. I had controlled my panic and anxiety for the past few weeks and wanted to get to the crux of the matter. I thought it would dictate at least a discussion, but a flat-out refusal has me reeling.

I am confused as to the nature of our relationship. For the most part, it's like we're friends and she is comfortable enough to say things like, "I probably shouldn't be telling you this, but..." so when she gets stern and clinical, I'm almost dumbfounded.

I think she missed a key component about this from the start when we began to discuss my attachment to her (and she herself was asking me if it was romantic in nature)...we were talking about how I have an emotional tie to her and she began to shift in her seat, said "is there anything else you'd like to talk to me about other than your attachment to being here and your feelings for me?" and showed obvious discomfort. It screamed to me that she didn't know how large of an issue this is. This is the issue at hand. It's always been. And I felt that she didn't trust me as a client and knowing my own feelings...I know that this just isn't about us...that it could be w/someone else...but that this is the arena in which it would play out in. One, I would have hoped, would allow me to learn secure attachment in a healthy environment.

She has always said that if I left that she would want to do a "termination session." I just don't think I have it in me to do that.

 

She said my level of shame and guilt surrounding the woman who gave me a lap dance was disproportionate to what really happened. "Your level of guilt and the shame you felt, wasn't necessary. You are who you're attracted to."

I also didn't like that when I tried to separate the two women, the dancer from my therapist, she said by aligning only their hairstyles as similarities, I was met with, "Oh (my name), you know that we have much more in common than just our hairstyles!"
It took me aback. I was confused, became uncomfortable and didn't know how to proceed. She is a very attractive woman, but I don't wanna look at her in "that way."

So, so confused.

 

Thank you for your reply. I'm so very conflicted. I don't know which end is up.

If I wasn't attached to her, it would be an easy decision...but it's not so easy to walk away this time.

And I completely understand what you are talking about.