I'm 26, in the last month I accepted that I'm gay

Hello E45BOY! Welcome to EC!

You sound like you're going through a whole lot at once. You're trying to come to terms and accept your homosexuality and you also want to start Coming Out.

Your issues with not yet completely accepting your homosexuality are quite normal. It is one thing to understand that you are gay and it is still a separate thing to come to fully accept it for yourself. What you are experiencing is probably part of the grieving process. Most of us grow up being taught, whether through religious doctrine or just what society basically deems ‘normal’ that homosexuality is an aberration. When we start to realize that we are not ‘normal’ based on those influences, we might start to lose part of our confidence and our self-worth. We might feel that we are letting our parents and those we love down. But, of course, this isn’t true. We don’t choose our sexuality. We are who we were born to be and the way to deal with that is to live our lives being the best people we can possibly be.

There are 5 steps to the grieving process. First comes Denial: in this case, “no, I’m not gay.” Next comes Anger: “I hate this and I hate myself! Why can’t I just be ‘normal’ like most other people? Why ME!?!” Then comes Bargaining: “So, maybe I’m gay, but then again maybe I’m bisexual. But, no I’m certain I’m gay. Or am I…?” After that comes Depression: “I want to be ‘normal.’ I wish I was heterosexual. This sucks and I don’t think I could ever really live life as a homosexual. I know I can’t face my parents. I don’t even want to face society. I’m just going to hide somewhere until it goes away. Why did I have to be the victim of this cruel joke?” Until, finally, there is Acceptance: “Hmm… Maybe this isn’t as bad as I thought. Maybe I can accept my homosexuality, my same-sex attractions. And you, know what? My sexuality is just a part of who I am, but it doesn’t define who I am. I am going to be the person I was born to be and I will do amazing things with my life!” The steps don’t always occur for any given person in that order and people sometimes go back and forth among the steps.

Additionally you may still be feeling some shame and internalized homophobia from growing up in a heteronormative society (which so often tells you that homosexuality is wrong).

This is a journey that each of us has to undertake on their own, but know that there are people here at EC will support you as you go through this.

As far as Coming Out goes, you should only do so if/when you are ready and it's safe to do so. Clearly you are planning in case your parents disown you when you Come Out. Hopefully that won't happen, but it can never hurt to be prepared if you think that that is truly a possible reaction from your parents. Hopefully they will surprise you and their unconditional love for you as their son will win the day.

So, how do you find other LGBTQ people? You can do some research on the internet for a nearby LGBTQ center, you could check out LGBTQ-specific groups on meetup.com, or you could look online for LGBTQ-specific hobby and interest groups (hiking, biking, chess, book clubs, etc), among other things. You could also go to a gay bar or club, if that's your thing.

I hope some of that helps.

 

Hi E45BOY,

Accepting you are gay and 'acting' gay are somewhat different but related things. It may be that you don't want to associate with anything gay because it might tip other people of that you are gay (from you post I get the impression that you aren't out to anyone yet). So you've got that anxiety which will disappear once you are out to people and as you become more confident in being yourself.

If you are only just coming to terms with being gay then you can take it slow. Just because you have accepted it doesn't mean you have to like everything that can come with gay culture or be comfortable with, say, gay romance films or whatever. Just take it a day at a time, one Stepin front of the other and don't feel you have rush anything. Just do things at your own pace and in your own time.

As for meeting people, if you work for a large organisation then they may have an LGBT association - generally Quantuamreality has mentioned the main ways to meet people, I'd just thought I'd add to it.

Hope this helps and keeping posting if you find it cathartic. Wishing you well.

 

Hey welcome to EC. I was in my mid 20's when I realised I was gay so don't panic about that. You could search on Meetup.com for LGBT groups near you I am sure in London there will be lots to chose from. Take it one step at a time, keep saving the money. I know it's scary to imagine coming out to your parents but just take everything one step at a time.

 

The though of when I after tell my my mum I am gay. dreads me. and I Still have thoughs that me been gay is not me. and how I am going to meet other people like me will they judge because I also have atypical autism. will I be judge by non autistic gay people too.

 

It's the scary things...the ones that really, really scare us but which also fascinate us, and occupy our minds constantly that are most worth doing.

So, as is my wont, here is a quote from Charles Bukowski that, if it clicks with you (and I suspect it will), can seize you by the throat and compel you to take action, right now, right this minute, because it is most definitely the right thing to do!

"If you're going to try, go all the way. Otherwise, don't even start. This could mean losing girlfriends, wives, relatives and maybe even your mind. It could mean not eating for three or four days. It could mean freezing on a park bench. It could mean jail. It could mean derision. It could mean mockery--isolation. Isolation is the gift. All the others are a test of your endurance, of how much you really want to do it. And, you'll do it, despite rejection and the worst odds. And it will be better than anything else you can imagine. If you're going to try, go all the way. There is no other feeling like that. You will be alone with the gods, and the nights will flame with fire. You will ride life straight to perfect laughter. It's the only good fight there is."

There are no free passes in life, no easy ways to the promised land...it takes courage and vitality to get there. You are certainly young enough to start a new and more honest chapter in your life; you are an adult! So claim the privileges that go with it and live your own truth, give up trying to please everyone, it's impossible anyway!

 

Congrats on coming to terms with it within your own head. It's cliche but things will get better, I'm a UK lad myself and in the military.

I hid for such a long time until I was around 24, I thought the world was going to end and everyone would disown me, they didn't and things are much better now. I'm comfortable enough to chat to anyone about anything and engage in a good amount of 'banter'. My family are fine with it and those within my life who weren't either came to terms with it themselves or I removed them from my life.

Onwards and upwards my friend, live your life and disregard those who wish your harm and things will be great - honestly!