I've got it sooooo bad! Make it stop!

Thank you SO MUCH for sharing that story. Everything you wrote applies to me to a tee. The self esteem issues and all that... UGH! And this whole finally realizing I'm attracted to women and not men at age 43 is really throwing me for a loop. The little signs you describe that should betray someone is attracted to you are honestly ALL things I've been doing AND things she has been doing. But yeah, I am too scared to push it... so far anyway. No doubt we have already become best friends, and like you say, as long as I can enjoy things as they are and I don't get *TOO* wrapped up in a fantasy scenario and start to suffer, there's no harm in just carrying on. The worst part of this so far was the two weeks before I told her I'm gay but have no experience. I really was nervous about letting those two pieces of information out, and once that was done and several days passed in which her actions confirmed that nothing changed between us, I've been feeling so much better.

Have I mentioned I am just crazy for her?! Haha... Honestly, I just can't with how awesome she is.

She and her kids will be away this whole holiday weekend. Like I said above, there was lots of drama today because the girls didn't want to go so many days without seeing me. It was so sweet. I'm so wrapped up in V, and her girls, and even her dog! Ridiculous! Haha...

 

Honestly, Moonsparkle, this part of what you wrote is blowing my freaking mind because I so totally could have written it myself word for word:
"My self-esteem, my thought patterns about myself, the negative filter I viewed myself through prevented me from even thinking that this beautiful, intelligent, funny, exciting girl could EVER be attracted to me. All through life it's been my pattern...someone's attracted to me and I am almost shocked. It always went against my core beliefs about myself. I was brought up in a dysfunction, (even if it looked good from the outside,) where I was shown I wasn't a worthy person, that my wants and needs didn't matter, that I shouldn't have them and should never express my feelings. I was also shown that expressing your feelings could lead to being hurt and that that hurt=bad, taught that it's better to just keep quiet and never ever to trust.
I was a real self esteem wreck, even if others interpreted me not to be so, I played the role of having it all together pretty well."

Incredible how accurately it describes me.

 

Awww! I feel that way too. Everything between us has just been so lovely. She is the sweetest, dreamiest person I've ever met. Sigh...

 

Tonight's update is that we just spent the last 90 minutes having a text message conversation from 9pm to 10:30pm, her in bed with her sleeping kids on their weekend out of town. It was epic... Do friends in their 40's usually spend 90 minutes texting each other non stop? I told her I've never texted with someone so much in my whole life and she responded with a smiley face. LOL.

 

Just curious, what do you think would happen if you told her you were in love with her? How long have you been friends? Of course, it's impossible to know, but do you think she would freak? Especially if you lead with, "I know this is just a fantasy and I couldn't expect you to reciprocate, but..."

I only ask because the more stuff happens with V, the more I can see us having that conversation in the future if a romance doesn't develop naturally. I'm still in the "enjoy the moment and await whatever comes" mode, but I could envision getting overwrought at some point and having to talk to her honestly.

 

Thanks! I wouldn't say I'm *not* getting ahead of myself. I'm just walking a tightrope at the moment. I fantasize that she is falling in love with me and we will be one big happy family by Christmas. LOL... But I'm also trying to not get fully invested in that fantasy because I don't want to lose her due to impatience. One day at a time.

 

Oh brother... V texted a lot today about feeling down, depressed. I told her I wished I was there so I could hug her and console her. She thanked me and we carried on chatting a while. Then she told me they might extend their time away one more night, and I actually texted, "I would really dislike having to go a whole other day without seeing you, but I suppose if you must stay there another night, c'est la vie." (She is fluent in French -- of course.) WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?! She texted a smiley face back and wrote that it wasn't set in stone and she may very well be back as scheduled, and I'd be the first to know what her plans are. I'm taking more and more chances with the stuff I say. And she still keeps communicating -- more and more, in fact. I'm so fascinated by how this is going... I still think she might be straight as an arrow and just recognizes what a good friend I could be, but still... Such a nagging feeling that she is finding our interaction just as fascinating and intriguing as I am. I wish I knew what she was thinking!!!

 

Oh and it crossed my mind that her mentioning running into an ex might have been a test to see how I'd react or what I'd say. I was so sure at first that it was an unsubtle hint that she is straight and I shouldn't pursue her. But, I think I'm going to go with the new theory that she just wanted to know what I'd say. The impression I am getting now because of the way the week has gone, is that she is just as curious as I am where this will all lead. But, don't worry friends, I'm not getting ahead of myself and setting myself up for a let down. Just thinking "out loud" here.