Hello there! So recently I decided I am genderqueer. Then later I decided I am non binary. I currently use she/they pronouns. Neither of them feel right. I don't really identify myself with any gender. Gender makes no sense to me. I was born a girl but I don't identify myself as a girl. Let me tell you the story of how I realised I was genderqueer. It all started when I got a pixie cut. Every time I went out I would be mistaken for a boy. At first, I was mad. I was not a boy! Later, I began to think. Would I be okay with using he pronouns? I began to repress my gender queer feelings. I kept telling myself I was a girl. After one of my friends came out as genderfluid I decided I needed to rethink my gender. At first, I used he/she/they pronouns. I was all over the place. I later decided nom binary fit better and began using they pronouns. Now, I just don't know what to feel. Nothing feels right. I'm really confused. I don't like looking feminine. Unfortunately, I am not out to my family. I don't think they would understand my current gender identity. I don't understand my gender. I was hoping someone could help me understand how I feel. Can anyone please help me through this?
Let me start by simply addresssing the fact that gender roles and expression have nothing to do with gender identity. Although for many, blending their looks into that of another gender or experimenting with androgynous presentation is often a start to examining one's gender more broadly, it you're viewing being feminine = being a girl and masculine = being a boy then this could be adding another layer of confusion onto how you view yourself / what you want to achieve in your self-awareness and presentation. For starters: ask yourself, how do you view yourself as far as gender roles go? Do you personally think you're a masculine or feminine person, both or neither? Also, how do you think society / other people see you? For example, I personally view myself as a pretty androgynous / masculine person inside and outside, but I know that most people probably see me as more feminine just due to my quiet and passive nature. Don't think about these roles in terms of boys or girls at this point yet. Then, ask yourself: where do you see yourself fitting in socially? Do you feel inherently out of place with members of your assigned gender? Have you always felt included / drawn to members of the other gender in a way that mimics admiration or a desire to be like them? Do you feel like you belong to both equally? Or are there parts of you that fit in with both/neither but other parts of you that leave you thinking you're just an alien? Also, what do you like to be called. A boy, a girl, neither, both, if you're indifferent to most pronouns, which ones seem to give the least amount of discomfort? Instead of trying to imagine how others see you (as a boy, or a girl) imagine an ideal fantasy situation in your head and what that would be like: what would you be called / not called by those around you? If you had all the power to decide and everyone automatically saw it your way or had to listen, what would the outcome(s) be? Now, combine the two: do you feel most comfortable with viewing yourself and others viewing you as a feminine boy, a masculine girl, a completely neutral person that people don't refer to with gendered language? It's okay if these things fluctuate and change day to day or whenever... remember, you don't have to identity as a boy to use he/him, a girl to use she/her, and you can use they/them pronouns even if you identity more with a binary gender as well! I'm nonbinary but I still prefer he/him and she/her over they/them. I feel like I fit in more with boys, but that doesn't mean I'm the most masculine person in the world. Finally: how do you feel about your body. Do you admire traits of the other sex / genders and wish you could have these traits as well? Do certain traits on your own body feel foreign to you, or just seem out of place, or do you dislike if they give away your sex in a certain way? (Example: having boobs makes people think you're a girl... having very broad shoulders could make people think you're a guy, etc...) Remember, experimenting is okay and you don't have to try and label all your feelings in order to try things out just let your feelings come and go and evaluate them as you see fit when it's most appropriate. It's okay for thoughts and feelings to change over time or cycle back and forth... it seems like a lot of your post revolves around how you faced reacting to other's opinions of you, or others opinions of themselves made you question yourself because you were in their presence as well. Forgive me if I'm wrong, just reading clues from what you provided!
Here's some advice I give to most people- don't try to rush to conclusions. Don't think you are going to have it all solved by tomorrow morning. Take tally of what you already know: You aren't straight up male/female You don't quite know what to think when it comes to gender You have a good support system around you, if not from your family then from your friends If you don't give yourself enough time and decide to just yell the first thing that comes to mind to the world, it's sort of like giving up. Gender has norms, and your feelings can sometimes be influenced by society and those around you. I'm genderfluid, and when someone asks me my pronouns, I kind of have to evaluate- by MY standards, not society's standards. I'm not a girl when I'm quiet- in fact, unless I'm really distressed, I'm LOUDER when I'm a girl. So keep a tally of what makes you, you. Do you classify your actions as boy/girl? Are they just things that happen? Can you be comfortable with yourself, whatever you choose? I know your looking for a clear, straight response, but, beyond the fact that I am really bad at giving straight responses, there really is no response that can answer all of your questions.
Most cisgender people do not ''feel'' gender as they haven't had any dysphoria and have rarely/never been misgendered so have no reason to focus on it. So if you didn't question your gender before finding out these terms, then you might just be panicking about it and not actually be transgender. Just some advice, might not apply to you, but perhaps something to think about.
