No obvious signs, or so I thought.

Even though I had been with men in the past I didn't think I was gay. I thought I was just kinky. When my mind finally said your gay, I started to see men differently. It was like a wall falling down.

 

I have. Lol. I've dated men and women but since coming out as lesbian and splitting from my husband I feel very proud and at peace with myself. It's an amazing feeling.

 

YES! This is exactly what I've been going through. The day I finally admitted to myself I was gay, at first I was all like, "it's too bad that I didn't figure this out sooner, but there were no signs!" And since then, I've gone over the events, feelings, and even thoughts I've had throughout my life, and I've realized I was sooooooooo super gay all along but just could NOT make that mental leap. The way I felt about lesbians, about my friends, about romance, about actresses, about men, and on and on... so many red flags! SO MANY! But I lacked the imagination and the courage to really picture myself with women sexually. If I had just let the wall down and done that early on, my life would have been so different. But, nope... always stopped myself short of allowing those thoughts in. DUH.

 

Having been married to a woman, divocred, dating a GF and now dating a man I can tell you it is liberating. I realized that all along I was trying to be someone I wasn't. When I finally acknowledged I was 100% gay it all made sense. With that came was a renewed confidence, a zest for life, a real sexual awakening, the shedding of some long held erroneous ideas of masculinity, a fantastic boyfriend who has helped me navigate from the sea of heterosexuality to the safe haven of homosexuality. So far the trip has been the experience of a life time with someone I for first time truly feel connected to emotionally, intellectually, and especially sexually. It is as if the flood gates opened to world I never knew I wanted until I found it.

 

Oh yes! Sooooo many flags. Rainbow flags galore. It started pretty young now that I take a step back and look at it. At some sad point though I heard enough homophobic things and I felt like I never wanted to be associated with it. Feeling like they were talking about me on some level should have been the real big clue! I wish someone would have just sat me down as an adolescent and been like "as you go through the world, you should allow yourself to be whatever makes you feel like you. That can be lots of things. Be sure to explore your sexuality too because you may be straight or gay or ace or whatever and that's ok!" It would have saved so many years of denial. Sometimes you just don't know it's an option for yourself?

Also - finding Elizabeth Hurley super ridiculously attractive in the Bedazzled movie poster (sans Brenden Fraizer) hanging in my brothers room. Definite red flag.

 

Oh yes, definitely! The idea that i wasn't straight had never popped into my head until my catalyst and now i can look back to as young as 9 years old and go- how did you not realise?!?!
The way i felt about certain friends growing up, even as recently as 3 years ago, i had a shrine of Kate Winslet posters as a 10 year old, i just thought she was the most beautiful person. Hooking up with one particular friend over and over and not thinking i was anything but straight because i had a boyfriend.
I could go on. Until my catalyst came along and smashed down that wall, i was living in a fantasy land.

 

I think all of us who came out slightly later in life can look back and see that those people we thought we wanted to be or those people we thought we want to be best friends with actually maybe we were crushing on them even though at the time we were completely oblivious. It gives you that damn how did I never realise this kind of a feeling but who knows at the time it obviously wasn't right.

 

It is interesting to think how much we either denied whom we were or simply repressed whom we were because our internal defensive mechanism sought to protect us from the heteronormative or homophobic messaging we are all exposed to on a daily basis. It takes strength, character and courage to finally come to terms with whom we really are, to finally be able to put down those defenses and to live authentically. When we finally find a way to embrace our sexuality, however we get there, however long it takes each of us to get there, it is truly an amazing experience!

 

I agree with each and every one of the posts. there were so many red flags. I just didn't put two and two together. I wonder what my life would have been like had I realised earlier. Too many wasted years. And I would have been more at peace with myself and happy which I am now.

 

I guess it is just destiny that you realise at a particular point in life. It is better late than not having realised at all or having lived all your life in denial.

 

I would actually argue you did not waste a single year, a single moment. Each of our lives is a journey. We each flow down the river going where the current takes us. Our entire lives lead us to where we are today. There should not be any regret or doubt about what could have been, only the future prospect of what will now be!

 

I agree with this 100%!!!

 

Emily1978--omg in retrospect so many indicators! The one who rode the motorcycle on 'Facts of Life'--that was Jo, I had that fascination with that character too. I also had this attraction (though I didn't call it that at the time) with Mallory on 'Family Ties'.

Beyond that I always developed this interest in certain girls on my volleyball and soccer teams in high school. Usually they were older than me and I figured I just wanted to 'be like them'. I had crushes on male teachers in a 'he's cute' sort of way; but I had crushes on female teachers in a 'omg can I move in with her and share my life with her' sort of way. Of course I didn't get that at the time! I always dated guys
(and even married one!). Being with guys was always okay for me, but I never ever had that true connection feeling I so craved. I figured that was just the way it was and I needed to stop expecting so much.

My parents were not overtly homophobic, but there were enough comments made to know they were not cool with it and wouldn't be accepting. (Then again they weren't accepting of too much!) It truly never even occurred to me that being gay would be apply to me---or be an option anyway!

Fast forward to about age 46 when I meet my catalyst and just wow! This was it--this was the connection...the one I so wanted; emotionally, romantically and sexually!

So weird looking back now, like how did I not even entertain the idea that I could be into women? But I didn't.
Oh yeah, and not sure if any of you are old enough to remember that Farrah Fawcett poster in the red bathing suit? I had that in my room with a bunch of Teen Beat boy posters too (Shaun Cassidy, Scott Baio...haha!). But it was that photo of Farrah that REALLY intrigued me!

 

OTH-thanks for the reminder of how none of us have wasted a moment of our lives. At times, when I am feeling so low, I still lament this fact. I think, 'I wasted soooo many of the good years of my life. My life would have been so much better if I just got this sooner,.' Maybe yes, maybe no, but it is true we do flow down the river in the direction the current takes us. This journey, my collective experiences brought me to this place at this time...where I belong now. As Pole star says it is better to realize now, than to have stayed in denial forever! And for that I am grateful. I do imagine many people stay in denial around lots of things(not just sexuality) for their whole lives. I'm glad on this I did finally get it. And understanding my sexuality has helped me understand some other things about me too (still working on all that!)

It all happens at the right time. Even when I am feeling low and struggling I am going to remind myself of this-no time was wasted!

 

Thanks OTH for reminding that we haven't wasted years.

I always remember what my therapist once said - 'it is better you realised now than lying on your death bed thinking of what would have been if you had lived your life the way you wanted to but never done so'.

 

It's easy to wonder what if I'd realised earlier but when we view things like this we only look at the positive possibilities of what we might have had, a boyfriend, a girlfriend, years of being out and maybe that would have been the case but there is also potential that our friends and family may not have been as accepting or our internalised homophobia may have been worse or we may have gone to a different college or university or got a different job and not met the friends we have now etc etc.
Rather than thinking about it as a negative thing, use it as motivation that now you have the realisation you shouldn't waste anytime in the future .