Hocd or lesbian?

I've been struggling with my sexuality for quite sometime now, and I just don't know where I fit in. I'm a 27 year old female virgin. I used to have crushes on guys but I haven't had one in over 4 years. What I mean by crushes is like butterflies in stomach nervous tingly turned on feeling. I did online dating for almost 2 years on and off but none of the guys I met did it for me. Some I went on a few dates. Some guys I let eat me out and finger me but I just wasn't turned on at all. The only time during the 2 years of online dating that I was ever aroused by men was when I was pmsing or had my period. At this point I just don't know if I'm just not attracted to men or if I haven't found the right guy. The few therapists Ive seen say I just haven't found someone I like enough, and that I have homosexual OCD.When I masterbate I think of women. I've never found the male anatomy really appealing other than the 2 guys I really liked. All the women I work with are constantly talking about how much men's bodies turn them on and I just don't get it. Am I missing something?

 

I tried last fall to distract myself after my last boyfriend and I broke up which was in September. I used to go to the gym and watch movies but then it got cold and I stopped working out. I've been trying to get back but I'm dealing with a health issue at the moment and it's all I can think about unfortunately. When I broke up with my first boyfriend I almost spiraled back into that obsession but I met up with a guy I really liked before him and I felt normal again. I was turned on by him and everything felt natural but I haven't felt that way with anybody in so long I don't know what that feels like anymore. I wish I had a LGBT therapist. That way I can hear advise from someone who has dealt with these issues. So did you ever love your husband? Were you ever physically attracted to him?Have you always been attracted to women and men? Sorry if I'm being intrusive.

 

I don't think you are lesbian. I think you might be bisexual or maybe just with the wrong person. To me it sounds like your bored of your partner which to be honest isn't that abnormal. I know you probably feel bad about breaking your family but have you ever thought about maybe taking a break from your husband? Have you ever told him your feelings? I can't tell you what you are and what you're not only you know that but that's what I think is happening.

 

Well I think you are atleast headed in the right direction. I think it's great that he is willing to go through couples therapy with you. It's very nice of him to do that. At least then maybe you'll get some more clarity on what to do. I can't imagine it has been easy for you considering you've been going through this for 5 years. I hope you do know that their is nothing wrong with you. There's nothing wrong if you like women but there's also nothing wrong with you trying to work on this as long as you both are happy and can come to a compromise that's what matters. Thank you for chatting with me. I really appreciate it.

 

Other than in fantasies I don't think about women. I don't see myself marrying and settling down with a woman. I've never actually had a crush on a woman. I feel a bit shy around masculine women but I don't know if it's because it's so uncommon to see women like that around where I live. But I've only seen myself with a man. It's just lately none of them are doing it for me.

 

The fantasies are things that I've seen in porn. I used to be an avid porn watcher and I haven't watched it in over 6 months. I'm hardly if ever in the fantasies. I'm almost always an observer. I have thought about men. Not sexually as much more in the terms of a relationship. The only time I ever think about sex with a man is when I know the guy and really like him but it's been a long time since that. Some men used to be all I would think about. I've only ever had that nervous gut tingly feeling with men but it's been like 4 years since that. I mentioned masculine women because I've hung out with feminine lesbian women and I don't feel intimidated by them at all. I have a question I don't know what your status is but do lesbian woman feel horny around men during that time of the month? I know it's a random question but I've noticed when it's around that time I find myself super horny around men only to not feel that way about them after. Also I check out both. Women more in terms of curves men more in terms of their build and face. I've always found men in shape aesthetically pleasing but not always sexually attractive if that makes sense. Ive always thought finding someone aesthetically attractive and sexually attractive were the same thing but I'm realizing it's not.

 

I've seen women that I think are very beautiful but I don't think about them hours later. I don't think about what they think about me either if that makes sense. I had one time where I felt nervous when I went shopping with my friend. She went underwear shopping and all I could think about is what if I get turned on? What does that say about me? I wasn't but I kept stressing about that thought.

 

She's a beautiful woman and has great sex appeal. Most men that look at her find her attractive because although she is beautiful she is also confident. I see her almost as another sister because she's close to my family but I was nervous that day maybe because of the OCD that was going on in my head. Now when I see her I just see her as a friend and I've never wanted anything more. I don't think of her in a sexual or romantic way.

 

Maybe you just have to feel those feelings. I think the fact that you can acknowledge that you like her is a good step. It's like a quote I read "sometimes the only way over is through". There's nothing wrong with having those feelings and the more you try to push them away the more you are going to struggle. It's hard when you have this internal struggle within yourself. I know. It's so terrible feeling like what you feel is wrong because then you don't even allow yourself to indulge in a thought and I think that is painful. Your mind is a judgement free zone and you can think and feel whatever you want in there.

 

Last summer and the summer prior I put so much pressure on myself to find someone, that I would continue to date men I just didn't really like. So everytime we did do something intimate everything but intercourse I didn't enjoy it because I didn't like them to begin with. At this point in my life I've just let myself be single and if I find someone I like then I'll pursue it.