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Hello, Middle-Aged male introvert musician in the closet

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Milkweed, Jun 19, 2017.

  1. Milkweed

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    Hello. Just joined last night.
    Raised in a fundamentalist home and most certainly did not always "know." For years even after I developed an interest in gay sex, I still thought of it as something, well, ocassional. (I wasn't having any, but I also wasn't thinking about it all the time. The thoughts would overwhelm me at times, then recede like a tide going out.)

    For one thing, I'm very introverted and like to spend time alone reading, writing, playing guitar (and now, looking at porn). I thought I was just anti-social. I thought marriage wasn't for me. (By marriage here I mean male/female, as that's the only kind of marriage I know about when younger.) And I think I was right about that. I was involved in some long-distance relationships with writers---lots of writing, not physical contact. It seemed that yearning was a gift and the best way to yearn perpetually was to fall for someone I could never see in the flesh.

    My closest, most long-term relationship with a woman was with a therapist (-never MY therapist) and she awakened in me a yearning for a "femdom" relationship. (I didn't know that term then.) She had been promiscuous and I wanted to hear all about that. Even when I was in bed with her, I thought of her in bed with other guys. It was a turn-on. Then I thought of those guys and their big cocks and how I wanted to be a total slut for them.

    Later I was in a Catholic seminary with lots of guys who (eventually, not right away) came out to me. None of them hit on me and I don't think they thought that I was gay, though they clearly thought I was open-minded and not at all anti-gay. There was one guy there I didn't care that much for personally---I thought he was kind of a dick---but sometimes he wore these short-short pants that made others roll their eyes but made want to put my face between his thighs. I didn't really like the guy. I didn't hate him either. We were different types, but I later wrote stories about having sex with him at seminary. I showed them to him later. (We were both out of seminary by then; neither of us became priests.) He thought the stories were fine but we didn't stay in touch. No big fight or even a small disagreement, we just fell out of touch.

    [Note: I went to a Catholic seminary but I was not raised Catholic. I was raised mildly anti-Catholic. I always seem to want to consider the other side of a matter.]

    For most of my adult life I haven't had sex with anyone else. Recently I have a girlfriend. She works in an office where I go to pay something quarterly and we very gradually got to talking and this ended up (after a few years) in a date that escalated quickly. I like to kiss her. She's funny. We get along. But I can't get an erection for her at all. Frankly, I don't want to see her vagina. I'm just not into that.

    So this has made me think harder (-obvious pun) about my orientation. I used to think I just wasn't relationship material or party material and I was meant to be alone, with intermittent bouts of intense fantasies about being fucked by two guys while I reveled in sluttiness.

    But more and I more I tell myself, "Milkweed, you're gay. You want dick." (That's not all there is to it but it is the hardest part for me to look in the mirror and say.)

    I notice boobs. I like boobs. And I tend to be more emotionally attached to women than men. (Though I want those women to call me names and "make me" suck big dicks.)

    That's more than enough for a "hello," I think.
     
  2. Quantumreality

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    Hello Milkweed! Welcome to EC!:slight_smile:

    That's quite a life story - filled with dichotomies.
     
  3. OnTheHighway

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    Welcome to EC, seems like your well on your journey. Looking forward to reading more posts!
     
  4. Milkweed

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    Thank you both for your warm welcome. I'm happy to be here. (And not a little nervous.)
     
  5. beenthrdonetht

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    Hi Milkweed. So... yet another variation in the way people can be. (I say this in a positive way!) Liking boobs.. well most mammals do. (And they are user-friendly.) It sounds like our preferences overlap... somewhat. (I like -- love -- all body parts.) I think browsing EC will make you feel less alienated.

    P.S.: So, is D minor really the saddest key? (humor alert)
     
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  6. Milkweed

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    Ah, Nigel Tufnel and his "Lick My Love Pump" trilogy. That was a funny scene. I'm fond of D minor ("Why Don't You Do Right?" "Summertime.) As for love pumps, well, that's another story for another thread.... ;o)
     
  7. beenthrdonetht

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    Glad you got it. It's risky quoting things: if people don't pick up the reference, they can get way the wrong impression. I know I have, and I think I've left a couple wrong ones.

    As a guitar/bass/violin(rarely) player, those flat keys are hard to read/play. One flat not so much. E, A, D, and G are home territory.
     
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  8. looking for me

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    looks like you have a lot to sift through, being an introvert can be to your advantage in that you have the quiet to look inward. thats where the answers are. getting an lgbtq+ therapist would do a lot to help too i think. you've come to a good place here, lots of help.
     
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  9. Pole star

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    Exactly what I used to think too at times....
     
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  10. Milkweed

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    It can be awkward when one's quotes / allusions are misread.

    I grew up in E and A. Now that I play mainly jazz, F (one flat), Bb (two flats), and Eb (three flats) are keys I play in every day. Someone told me that Bb for you and me is C for some horn players. No wonder they like that key so much!
     
  11. findingjoy

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    Hi and welcome!
    How often do you look at and masturbate to porn? that can cause performance issues with your girlfriend.

    I would suggest a porn break that will help you really identify your sexual tastes.

    I came here last year and posted that I might be gay. Someone suggested looking in the mirror and saying 'I'm gay" and see how that feels. .
     
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  12. Adray

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    Hi Milkweed, and welcome!

    I'm a bi bassist. I've enjoyed the thread so far - the Nigel Tufnel quote, discussion of favorite keys, etc. I don't have favorite keys as much as I have a fear of singer-guitarists who can't remember what key they like a particular song in and are kind of hovering over various frets with their capo, like they're trying to find the one that will most rearrange how I play the bassline... LOL.

    You might be bi. Or gay. You've gotten some good advice here already and might well get more. I'll just add - do lots of reading and searching, you'll find the answer.
     
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  13. Milkweed

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    Thanks for all the comments! I appreciate them. They make me feel welcome here. Nice to meet some fellow musicians. Always a plus. (Being a musician is the only sense in which I could be called a "player.")
    I once had a girlfriend who was a therapist. (Never my therapist.) I had read an article about passive-aggressive people / behavior and asked her if she thought I was passive aggressive. She looked at me, considering it, and said, "No. You're just plain passive." I think there's a lot to that.
     
  14. maverick1

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    I went through something very similar. A few years ago I told my wife that I wanted her to cuckold me. I even wore a chatesty device to prevent me from hardons. I wanted her to take a lover so badly, never realizing that I really just wanted to be with a guy. Welcome to EC!
     
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  15. pasinhose

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    I think those of us who discovered our sexuality later in life have those thoughts. What turned it for me. Having sex with another man. Good, bad or indifferent, Milkweed, you'll really know where you stand with yourself after.
     
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  16. Milkweed

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    That's fascinating. Thanks for sharing. For me, I think part of it is wanting to be with another guy. I'm pretty clear about THAT part. But I also like the presence of a woman. (For example, if I look at "sissy hypno" videos, I always prefer the ones with female voices to the ones with male voices.) My emotional attachments are to women. But I want to have sex with men. I can get into making out with a woman, but truth be told, the vagina is a big turn off for me. (There, I said it.)
     
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  17. Milkweed

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    Good point. I actually had a couple experiences with a guy while in high school. He was the more aggressive, I was the more passive. (I am passive in general.) They were quick, a little awkward, and I enjoyed them, though I didn't fully process them. One was so arresting that it was like an out-of-body experience. I didn't lose consciousness, but it's like I was watching this happen from outside. I really had no idea what my feelings were in the moment. It was like that part of my brain short-circuited. I was asleep (-well, supposedly) on a friend's couch and this other friend came in that room and start rubbing my shoulder, kissing me. I pretended to be asleep. Then he started whacking off. (I wasn't sure that was what he was doing at first, but it dawned on me pretty quick.) The room was dark. I couldn't see anything. He came across my cheek and I instinctively leaned off the front edge of the couch and found his balls with my mouth. I couldn't see them, or anything else, but that's where my mouth went. Hairy. (This was the '70s.) But then he went back to his room and the next day I didn't want to talk about it. I never did want to, really, though sometimes I would jack off thinking about his cock. (On another occasion I saw it and felt it. It was big and thick. Mine sure ain't.)
     
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