A thinking out loud/venting thread... Oh, no! comes the voice from the back of Later in Life audience. Not another one of these! Why couldn't we have left this BMC77 twit behind when we moved to this nice, new EC platform?!?!?! After many months of therapy, my therapist seems to have come up with a Great Solution for my problems. I should move from my Undisclosed Location out in the boonies to a new Undisclosed Location in the Undisclosed Big City (well sort of big city) where the therapist practices. Magically, with this Great Solution, all my problems will just go away. Well, the problems won't go away. The therapist admits that. But there are some practical arguments to be made for his idea that things would be at least slightly better for me. He keeps pointing out that bus service is better. (My car died some time back, and my poor white trash budget does not stretch to repair/replacement.) There are various other theoretical pluses. But I see minuses (although I get accused of "searching for problems" or something like that). I can't say I'm particularly in love with that city. I won't say I'll never live there again, but I can also say I'm not inclined to make it a life goal to move back there. The biggest minus, however, is that (short of a miracle), I'd have to have a roommate. I have had bad experiences with roommate situations in the past. (And, in the spirit of being fair and unbiased, my last roommate probably would talk about how the frustrations of having me as a roommate.) Also an issue is the fact that at this point any roommate is likely to be someone I've never met before. Of course, my therapist tries to put a positive spin on having a roommate: "It will be a friend!" (He's heard the whining EC has heard about my friendless existence). Yeah, right. I think in such a case a more realistic goal is just getting along well enough to live together in reasonable peace. Given that I've been struggling for four years to make friends--and have spent a great deal of time doing things and going places where there are people with similar interests, and still had zero luck--I have no faith that a roommate selected off Craigslist (whoever is the least likely that day to be an ax murderer) will become the best friend I've never had. I also frankly have trouble adapting to having as my only space a small bedroom. Potentially very small, although that, of course, depends on the particular place one ends up. My last roommate situation had me in a very small room with almost no real space. A previous living situation had a better room, but not like the space I have today. One issue with space is an audio system I have. I've dabbled off and on with high end audio (although I have never been able to crawl about the lowest levels of the high end). I'm interested in playing records again, but, based on past experience, I know small bedrooms are problematic for the speakers I have, and replacing them is not a viable option. Of course, my therapist had all sorts of helpful things to say about how it should be about the music. Apparently he thinks I can magically make some change to something different that I'll be happy with that costs next to nothing. Hours later after that particular conversation, I am still wondering why I even argued and tried to explain that I have a demand for a certain level of quality. I could buy a cheap bookshelf system at Goodwill, but I know damn well I'd never use it for anything more demanding than TV sound. While I suppose audio equipment is not the best basis for making major life decisions. I suppose it's possible that I'd be happier having no system and moving, somehow. But a part of me is saying no to this. If nothing else, I need hobbies that I can indulge in alone. It's not like I have any friends to go and do stuff with, and it's not like I see any real chance of making those friends. (I've given up any real hope of trying to build a social network at the moment.) Oh, wait. I forgot. My new roommate will be magically that friend I've been searching for...
Friends have come along in my life when I am not looking or expecting. People who I thought were friends have turned out not to be. Hang in there, not sure your therapist should be telling you where to live. I think there are LGBTQ people in every corner of the country, every corner of the globe. We are just a little harder to find. Dean
Your therapist is closest to your situation to lay out the options for you to consider. But yes, using an audio system argument for not doing it is simply an excuse to procrastinate. And don't expect a roommate to be a friend. Just expect a roommate to cover their portion of the cost of the rent. Find your own friends. So you need to decide how to better your life and what the right path is without making excuses to stand still.
I would just remember that when you move, your problems move with you. Also, you seem to know yourself really well regarding living with a roommate and I would listen to this. I'm a lot like you. All four years of college I lived with a roommate(s) and even though these people were friends it never really worked. I am simply one of those people who NEEDS their own corner of the world. And we all have hobbies and interests that lift us up and bring us joy, if yours is audio then I'd say honor this and make sure you get into a place where you can enjoy it! If you (and not just your therapist) think moving would be a good idea then work towards the goal of moving into your own place in the new city. I totally get having a tight budget (definitely!), are you working? You've probably already considered this but is there any way you can get more hours? If you work full time is there any chance to pick up a short term part-time job just to save all that money? Car repairs are ridiculously expensive, but it is really hard to go from having the freedom of having a car to not having one! (Unless you are moving to a city like NYC where having a car is totally unnecessary.) If saving for the new apartment and car repairs is completely unrealistic then your therapists point about the new city having better bus service is something to consider. I hope you don't give up on building a social network, whether you stay in your current city or move to the new one. The key is to just be 'out there', not really out there searching for friends, but out there where you are exposed to other people. Over past few years my friendships have changed a lot, and I have had to take this advice myself. And I have made new friends. Still, I know I could do even better on the getting out there bit, and something I am still working on. Whether you decide to move or stay put, wishing you all the best!
I agree with OTH that using the speakers as an excuse for inaction is not a good plan. Is the issue space or the possibility of getting evicted if you play the system at full volume? If the former, maybe you can sell the high-end equipment for good money? Or try to find a different living arrangement that can accommodate your speakers? If the latter, maybe you can play the system on low volume or use headphones. Perhaps you can harness your desire for audiophile stereo equipment to demand quality and raise the bar in other areas of your life?
I second the comment that your therapist should not be convincing you to move if you have serious qualms about it, which seems to be the case. Unless you're really committed to something as fundamental as uprooting yourself and moving to a new place it will probably not work out. Your concerns are not frivolous and you don't have to justify them to your therapist or anyone here. You just have to decide for yourself that the trade-off is work taking the risk.
Based on the tone of your post, it's pretty obvious that you don't want to move on an emotional level, which is why you are working so hard to react against your therapist. Based on the tone of your post, it's pretty obvious that moving would probably a good thing for you on a rational level, which is why you are working so hard to refute your therapist's logic. "Searching for problems" in and of itself is not a bad thing, especially when we use the gift to anticipate risks and create mitigation plans. If we use potential problems as a reason to derail action, then that's a different matter. On a meta level I'm guessing that your post reflects the various conflicts that are holding you back. Instead of reacting negatively to your therapist, wouldn't it be more effective to take responsibility for the situation and own the solution?
Thanks, everyone! I have been thinking of this moving idea off and on since my appointment last week (less than 12 hours before I posted the original post in this thread). Fortunately, the frustration and irritation have mostly faded, but I am still left--oh, how do I put it nicely?--feeling underwhelmed by the suggestion. To a degree, true. I'm not sure how much this is on an emotional level. Also I will admit that I could see myself quite happily moving under some circumstances. Problem is...those circumstances would likely take lottery winning luck. But there is no doubt that I am resisting a move. A lot of this is just the difficulties/costs/hassles of moving. And--as I've told this therapist--I want my next move to be a clear step up. I'm not convinced that slightly better bus schedules are enough of a selling point. Particularly that the best scheduling are in parts of town where I don't want to live. I don't feel safe during the day in those parts of town, and if I don't feel safe during the day, what are the chances of me even taking advantage of better service at night? And that is a good point, and it's something I've considered before now. I think one reason I am reacting negatively to this whole "move here and things will be better!!!!" mentality is simply that while some practical things might be a bit better, other issues will remain the same. Social isolation is one good example. At one point, my therapist was trying to sell his city on the grounds that he was "sure" people there would be happy to spend time with me. Really? Given that I was doing a lot of events trying to meet people where I am now--with zero success--why should I believe that it would be any different in that city? I've come to a point of concluding there is something either wrong with me, or with the area. And a blind move does nothing to fix the problems I have, and moving to that city won't address problems that the area has.
I'm inclined to believe that your therapist is trying to help you find ways to push yourself past your self-limiting beliefs and behaviors. And from what I remember of reading your past posts, it does sound like where you live currently is a significant barrier to finding friends and , potentially, a relationship... and having a larger set of activities and options from which to choose. So I think your therapist is actually offering a helpful strategy for you. It does sound like you're finding basically any excuse you can as to why you can't do this. I can understand that music is important to you, and I would challenge you to consider whether music is *more* important than a happier life, making friends, finding other activities, potentially finding a boyfriend, and so forth. If it is... then stay where you are. If it isn't... then compromise on the music piece for now and put your energy toward this change. Perhaps buy an absolute topnotch pair of headphones. As for the roommate thing... you're in the lucky position of having a bit of time to make this happen, so you can either advertise for someone who is also looking for a roommate, meet people, find someone you feel good about, and look for a place together... or look at places that are open and meet with the roommates that are already there, and find one you like. There are shitty roommates, and there are ones that can become close life friends. Just because you've had some negative experiences should not rule out the possibility of finding good experiences. What it really boils down to is whether you are ready to challenge yourself to the next level of change. There is always fear when we make major change, and there is always discomfort as we are growing. The issue is whether the discomfort of staying where you are is less than the fear of change... and if so, do you want to change that balance, or simply walk into the fear.
