So I'm in a bit of a strange situation (well to me its strange) I'm currently dating a guy but I'm also trans and when I came out to him he said that if I ever decided to transition he would leave me. I have anxiety so I kind of panicked and now I'm not sure weather or not I should just leave him or not? I hate hurting people but I feel like I can't say anything to anyone now I don't know what to do I don't live with him but he started talking to me about moving in together, we've been dating for a few months and Iv'e known him since high school, so I don't know why I feel like I can't talk to him. Advice?
Hey EricWolfe96, That's kind of a tough situation. You really should try to talk to your bf about this. Are you planning to transition at some point? If so, he seems to have made his position pretty clear. If this is a deal-breaking issue for his relationship with you, wouldn't it be better for both of you to go your separate ways sooner than later? On the other hand, if he just spoke off-the-cuff, but is possibly open, upon reconsideration, to staying with you even after you transition, you kind of need to know that, don't you? And the only real way to find out is to talk to him about this in detail. Keeping quiet and feeding your own anxieties is pretty counterproductive, don't you think? Stay strong!
Do you plan on transitioning? And when? I would not move in with him if you are planning to transition, ever, but continuing the relationship is up to you. Need to have a chat with your boyfriend as quantum said.
At this stage any thoughts of moving in together should remain on hold while you decide what to do, because living under the same roof will complicate an already difficult situation. You need to ask yourself if it's possible to live, long term, without transitioning. I'm guessing the answer is no, but I may be wrong. If I am right though, all of the stress and tension will surface at some point down the line when you are perhaps more deeply invested in the relationship. At this point it's still early days and you should be able to walk away from this with some wounds, but no serious damage and you really should think about that carefully. From reading your post, it seems you are more concerned about hurting and disappointing him... but what about you? What about your feelings in all of this? I have to say, his ultimatum (or whatever term you use for what he said) was not a positive sign. Instead of attempting to understand the challenges of living in the wrong body and offering support, kindness and reassurance he told you very directly to not transition if you wanted him to stay. In my opinion, that doesn't bode well for a good and healthy relationship.
What makes it worse is aside from saying that he also made the comment, 'I dont know why you Think your transgender' that one really hurt and is probably whats feeding my anxiety the worst and making it harder to talk to him.
Actually as ignorant and hurtful as that comment is, it might also reinforce my suggestion that he just spoke off-the-cuff when he told you that he wouldn't stay with you if you transition. It is possible that he just didn't take you seriously enough to even give it careful consideration. I'd say that's all the more reason to have a clear conversation with him about this. As, PatrickUK said, you certainly should put any plans to move in with him on hold until you get this resolved.
Thank you everyone, all of the advice is very helpful. I will definitely have a talk with him, at the moment he is in a different city so I will wait until he gets back and in the mean time can hopefully come up with a good way to get my point across without sounding mean or hurting him. Hopefully things work out with us but if they don't at least I might be able to stop freaking out about the outcome and about myself. >.<
Great well that went terribly, now hes trying to guilt trip me into staying with him and not transitioning and I just feel like crap and now I'm depressed. Definitely could of gone better Thank you all for your advice though, it was very helpful.
Hey ErikWolfe96, If he is going to be that closed-minded and unaccepting, that's on him, not on you. You were just being honest and open with him - that's always extremely important in any relationship. Even though it went very badly for you, at least you know now how he really feels and that your relationship with him was unlikely to work in the longrun because he won't accept who you really are. You can feel bad because you won't have a future romantic relationship with him, but you should never feel bad for being honest and open with him. My 2cents.
