First of all, I'm new to this forum so if i made any mistakes concerning this thread I'm really sorry. I'm in a situation where i would appreciate some personal advice a lot, so if anyone read the following and gave me their opinion it would be awesome . I was raised believing there were only two genders. I kinda knew about trans people, but I never really thought about things like this. I was a happy kid in elementary school. I didn't care at all about my looks, i was friends with everyone and was just myself. In my class were just three boys, so the majority of my friends were girls. But anyways, we were kids. Then things started changing. Around twelve i guess. I found it very weird when my boobs started to grow. They were useless to me, they just hurt when i lay down. I was super anxious someone could see my nipples ( I once refused to go to school because my bustier was in the washing machine, lol). I only had female friends now. Boys and girls didn't talk to each other. Boys were too immature, anyways, but i was also annoyed that my female friends only wanted to paint their nails and go shopping. I wanted to play games and football. I then had a really good friend when i was thirteen She was 'premature' and probably a bad influence. I think i looked up to her, because she had a boyfriend and did stuff with him already, she was very pretty and I felt rlly worthless. I couldn't go out without makeup or else i felt ugly. I thought i was too fat and my boobs too small. But i didn't question being female. I felt like i fit in. My friend moved away, i came into a new class, and things started to go down. I developed sick eating habits that made me hate my body even more. I was lonely. I became depressed. In an attempt to break out of this situation, i got an emo haircut (not as cringy as it sounds). I felt really good about myself for about three weeks. People told me i looked cute. I didn't like that, i didn't want to be cute, but i liked that i looked not as feminine. In an approach of rebellion, i cut my hair short, like really short. No one liked it. Everyone told me it didn't suit me. I started to hate myself even more than before. At this point i had already developed a terrible posture, but it felt better for me to have a flatter chest. I felt terrible though about the comments i would sometimes get. Once i was walking down the street and some men discussed if i was a boy. They came to the conclusion that i couldn't be, because i had boobs. Things changed, again. High school, sixteen years old now. I started to use tumblr and pinterest a lot. Instead of watching makeup tutorials, i had started to watch Youtubers like Sam Collins. I was aware of lgbt, mostly because all the girls i wanted to look alike were lesbians. I couldn't understand what was wrong with me, because i had never found girls attractive. Maybe i was a lesbian and i didn't know it? Maybe I was transgender? But i couldn't imagine being a boy. It all felt so wrong to me. And then, one day, Miles McKenna came out as nonbinary. I had watched their videos for a while, and i was crushed. Because i didn't know such a thing existed. Honestly, it was just scary to me. I started researching. I found out that androgynous was exactly what i wanted to look like. I watched a lot of trans videos. I had lots of sleepless nights. I once dreamed i was telling my mom that i didn't know what i was and that i felt kind of in between. My mom reacted confused and told me that it wasn't possible. I wanted to change my ID so it said i was neither, and the man there was really disgusted. When i woke up, i was ashamed of myself. Im nearly seventeen now. Ive started to hate femininity. I have never felt more seperated from other woman, yet don't get along with boys. I don't know how to communicate with them, as weird as it sounds. A few weeks ago, i visited my only friend, who lives far away from me. No one knows me there except her family. I cut my hair short and wore baggy clothes. I felt really comfortable. I looked really androgynous in the pictures and i loved that. She then sent some to her friends. They asked if i was male or female. She texted them female, and i felt really bad for not wanting to let them know. I was really confused for the rest of the trip. I could talk on and on, but the thing is, im just terribly confused. I dont know if nonbinary even exists. If its possible to feel that way. Ive started to dress androgynous and it makes me feel a lot better about the way i look, but i still feel bad. My friend had a presentation about trans people in class and she told me im an 'androgynous trans person'. I had tried to build up the courage to talk about nonbinary with her for weeks and then she acted like she 100% knew all about trans and i must be that specific gender. It made me feel terrible. I feel so alone with this whole thing. I feel like people stare at me in public. Just yesterday an elder told me how i could not be identified as a woman in a very rude way. But when i think of myself as nonbinary, its a terrible image, because i can just not imagine it. Everytime im put in a box it stresses me out so much. I also want to bind but i cant buy a binder because i dont have an online banking account and i could never ever tell someone in my environment about any of this. I'm sorry if this was just a lot of crap but im really thankful if anyone read this through.
From what you've put it sounds like you're a girl who doesn't like doing traditionally female things. That's okay. There are women who bind because they don't like their breasts. It's a normal thing for a girl/woman to be insecure about.
I can't really answer if you're non-binary or not. You appear to feel gender dysphoria, but it could also be a desire to look more masculine that some women have. I'll give you a few questions that might help, just keep in mind that they might not be 100% accurate and try to not judge yourself while answering to them. 1. Which pronouns would you preffer for yourself? She, he, they or [insert another gender pronoun here]? 2. Would you change something about you body that requires transition? Would you do it if you could dress or express yourself without gender roles stopping you from doing so? There's a thread that can be used to test gender pronouns here: https://forum.emptyclosets.com/index.php?threads/test-your-name-pronouns-here.413728/ If you're in doubt about your sexual orientation, post here: https://forum.emptyclosets.com/index.php?forums/sexual-orientation.139/
I think Nightdream brought up some important questions for you to consider personally. I'm nonbinary, and when I began questioning, there were sure as heck times early on where even I had a hard time convicning myself I was real, and that what I was experiencing were real feelings. The way I see it is... it seems like you have a lot of people around you in your life or community who question whether you're right about yourself... and this makes you upset because you see purpose in what you do. If you didn't feel at least a certain sense of connection to how your presentation is expressing your inner self (whether it's just a need to connect to your womanhood through androgyny, or you trying to show your true self as a nonbinary person) then you wouldn't have so many hurt feelings, so I believe listening to yourself is an important sign in figuring this out, who you are, because there are going to be many people our there who may doubt you, and it's not your fault nor should it give you reason to doubt yourself... I think you also need to ask yourself, do you feel "left out" amongst other women because you've never felt like you had the knowledge or ability to relate to them about womanhood? Or, just because you feel left out amongst all people, feel like you don't have the social skills to experience life like others do in general, and the social anxiety you mentioned experiencing makes you feel like you're "not good enough" for anyone else? This question may seem like a doubled edged sword... they may be connected, it may be that one answers the other, or it may be like me which.... I've always felt left out amongst most people, but I believe it's because I experience gender differently than most. For you it could be that is well... or could it also be that you're just feeling disconnected from your gender because of the responses you've been getting from people, or feeling left out from all people and thinking you deserve to be excluded. You really have to think if you feel bad and are looking for a way to escape... or if you've always felt left out because of these innately different feelings socially. Try to imagine yourself having friends and how they should address you...with what pronouns? What types of compliments from them would make you feel good and like yourself, being called a boy, a girl, or nothing? How can you see yourself living life in the future? Nonbinary exists because we exist and we have finally been able to come together and share our experiences in feeling that way. Please try and take some time to lift the heavy clouds of doubt others keep throwing over you and think about what would make you happy when I first came out to myself, I made a log every day and wrote down what pronouns I'd prefer that day, if I felt more androgynous or feminine or masculine, and if I felt more connected to fitting in with boys or girls, or both or neither.... and seeing that change over time was the proof I needed to accept myself.
Thanks a lot for your reply!! The pronoun thing is a little bit complicated for me because there are no gender neutral pronouns in my language, but ill try to think about it. i tend not to be happy with 'she'. The second question i must probably answer with yes.
I live in a country without gender neutral pronouns too. Try to imagine a what if situation in this one or use the English language to make it easier to answer. It might help.
Thanks a lot for taking the time You've made some really good points here that helped me. Though i struggle to find real friends and can't talk well with boys, I know that I don't have social anxiety and i've never felt excluded in this sense. I've come to realize that I wouldn't consider myself female even if everyone was supporting me with this. I felt a real discomfort reading 'expressing your womanhood' ^^. I hate when i get compliments involving the word 'woman' or 'girl' or anything in that direction. I can't see myself living as a woman in the future, too, but i can't see myself as a man either. I think the main issue is that it is hard for me to accept that i could be third gender because i was raised believing in binary gender. I've been scared to but I might tell my best friend to use different pronouns for me so I could see how it feels, or refer to me as a boy ( is there a noun for nonbinary humans?). I wrote this thread yesterday evening and woke up now hoping that i would get an answer making me feel accepted as a nonbinary person. Inside i probably know what I am but im too scared to accept it.
First, of welcome to EC! I'm sorry you're going through a tough time figuring out your gender. It's unfortunately a very common thing among nonbinary and trans people, because, as you said, we have all been raised to believe that we have to be the gender we were assigned at birth. It's hard to shake that off, because we've been told it so many times. The important thing is that it gets better with time, even if you can't believe it right now. I was in a very similar place to you half a year ago, and since then, things have gotten a lot better. You wrote that you feel like everybody wants to push a label onto you. So I think the first question you could ask yourself is, if you even want to label your gender right now, or if you feel the need to because of your friends' etc. expectations. It's perfectly fine not to have a precise label for your gender and stick to "neither male nor female" or nonbinary. Besides that, I agree with the advice above. I also think it's a really good idea to keep a journal or diary to write down your thoughts and feelings about your gender. It can help a lot to clear your thoughts. I'd also advice you to distract yourself from your thoughts about gender every once in a while. Do things you like and that make you happy. Getting my thoughts off the topic for a while actually helped me figure things out a lot. Try to remember that your identity isn't only your gender and that there are so many more things that make you the person you are. If you have any more questions or need someone to talk to, don't hesitate to ask!
Thanks a lot for the kind words. Ill probably start writing down some of my thoughts since this has always helped me in the past. I should probably not worry so much but i hope i can soon feel clear about this thing because it would make me happier to have something to identify with. May I ask you if you came out to somebody?
I am out and open about my sexuality. Regarding my gender identity, I'm out to my sister and some close friends.It's hard for anyone who doesn't experience gender dysphoria themselves to wrap their head around the concept of sex and gender not matching up, so coming out about my gender required a lot more explanations. That's why I only came out to people I trust a lot and who I also talk to about other very personal matters. Talking and explaining my gender to friends eased my anxiety about it a lot, but it also took a lot of time until I felt ready to actually do it. I hope that helped. If you have more questions about coming out or other stuff, you can also drop me a wall message.
It's okay, when I was first coming out to myself I had a lot of doubts too and it took me a long time to stop putting myself down and telling myself that my feelings were fake because nonbinary might not exist. Those doubts only really existed because I also grew up being taught that binary gender was the only way possible. It may be a long journey to accepting yourself but admitting this now is the first step! Heh, sorry to cause you the discomfort, but I figured if you were anything like me and also nonbinary, facing that type of wording / message might give you the gut reaction ability to be able to tell how you felt as well. I hate being called a girl / woman, told about my "womanhood" etc... it makes my stomach twist up in a way, and that feeling standing out from others was one of the first true signs to me that I was nonbinary. Even if you don't have a neutral pronoun in your language, perhaps you could try the other gender's to see how it feels, sometimes the one that's different from what you've already heard is just better because it's not always the same. Or, you could just ask people to refer to you by your name and no pronouns at all! Also, usually for a nonbinary noun I just say person, or, I've heard the term "enby" used as well (to sound like the abbreviation "NB" for NonBinary)
