So I've disappeared for a while, and back again. Instead everything resolving itself with time, it is turning into giant snowball and keeps rolling. Couple years ago I met this person and I've thought of her Every day since. She is my trigger/catalyst. I thought it all would subside, and eventually I'll settle with whatever conclusions I come up with on my sexual and romantic orientation. Has not happened so far.. In fact, I feel like I'm a rolling snowball. More questions, fewer answers. So, posting here again, I hope someone can identify. It is impossible to fit this mess into one thread. So I will run through only couple items - take a stab at any one of these if you wish. I am married, but think of her all the time. I care about my husband and am terrified of the future. I feel that I am cheating emotionally big time because my feelings, from the distance, are really strong.. Yes I got myself into this mess - even though I've accepted everything as it is - she is an acquaintance and we don't communicate much. But, my gut tells me otherwise. I know, this is totally crazy!!! Sexuality: I am having trouble separating what pertains to the situation with her from what pertains to me and my sexual orientation. Am I totally lesbian/bisexual, or are the feelings for her so strong, that I am straight but totally into her, and she just happens to be female? Am I so into her that majority of men turn me off? Time Crunch: How do I figure this out and what do I do with the rest of my life? I feel the clock is ticking and I am nowhere near where I want to be. Not even close. My deepest thoughts and wishes do not correspond to reality. Gosh, I can't even put my wishes down in writing, they are so true to the core but so unreal. Hope someone out there can relate..
I am in the same place, except that I have told my husband and we are separating, following couple's counselling, for reasons both related and unrelated to my sexuality. It is very very hard - a chicken and egg situation. What caused what? I have had suicidal thoughts, but at other times note that I feel more "whole". Have you told your C how you feel? If you are really, really honest with yourself, do you feel attractions for other women here and there?
Wow! Your situation resonates with me big time! I also met my catalyst a couple of years ago and haven't moved on since. She is still so much in my head on a regular basis that it's torture. I was also married and emotionally cheated big time on my husband, we've since separated but it started out that way. Much like you, my situation with my catalyst can only get so far, she is my sons teacher and it kills me that we can't spend time outside school hours. I guess things are somewhat different in the sense that she calls me a friend and we discuss very personal things, but i mean, what good is a friendship if we can't spend time with each other until my son finishes school. She may as well be an acquaintance. As for your questioning of your sexuality and your thoughts and wishes not being a reality... it's a hard one, you care for your husband and am i safe in assuming you want to stay with him? For me, after i separated from my husband, i was seeing a girl for a while, i was attracted to her and enjoyed sleeping with her, and it was definitely the confirmation that i needed to ensure i definitely wasn't straight. But then it makes it harder for you to explore the possibilty of your attraction to women when you are with a man you care for. How can you know if it's just this one woman? And I'm afraid i don't have the answer to that. I really wish i did. But i will say, i didn't think that any of my dreams or wishes could be a reality either. I didn't see a situation where i wasn't stuck in a loveless marriage with my ex husband and now i can say I've spent time with a really nice woman, and she wasn't right for me but it's all part of finding out who you really are and where you want to be. Attraction outside a marriage or relationship does happen and you shouldn't blame yourself for falling for somebody, you didn't ask for it to happen and yoi can't help how you feel. Is there any way you could speak to someone, a therapist or counsellor? They may be able to provide you with some better advice.
Peterpangirl, thanks for you reply and I really like your username! Glad you are taking steps which are right for you. Do you have kids? Yes, I told my Husb, he reacted Very badly. That time, a while back, was terrifying and I was so glad when it all subsided. I basically had to brush it off with excuses. I only told him I was attracted to her ( not about my true feelings towards her). Then to make matters more complicated, I told her about my attraction ( not feelings). We were communicating often at that point of time. She took it well, but the rest of it is still very confusing to me. Long story.. Husb and I never went to couples counseling. If we did, I would not be able to go through it probably because I can not be honest with him about anything now going through my mind regarding my feelings and sexuality. He told me that if I am a lesbian he will divorce me. So, couples counseling would be a waste of money LOL since it will go on to divorce probably same day I open up. I would open up, actually, but I dont know what the heck is happening and who I am. Chicken or egg.. sigh.. was I never straight? I've been attracted to men my entire life, then, she comes along and it all changes, or was it always there? Women: I dont look at men same way anymore. I find myself making an effort not to check out remotely masculine ( women). I dont like boobs, and super feminine types. Again, I ask myself, is it because some women remind me of her? Example: I think she binds sometimes. Today at the store, I glance away from the shelf and feel shock going through my body - a woman in a tight light blue top, short hair, clearly wearing a binder. I am totally confused.. Help!
Wow, reading your words I felt like they were mine, however, from a distant future! Have you had any experience with a woman prior to all if this? What was your husband's reaction? There is a lot you are going through - true life's journey. The fact that she confides to you is different from my situation. I can tell you thoygh, that every time i've spoken to her i've felt that I could tell her anything. ( and I did LOL) You are single now, maybe it is a matter of waiting till the school is done, maybe worth waiting, who knows.. Yes, confirming my sexuality while being with my husband is very tough. And this emotional cheating creates a gap. I am not ready to experiment while in marriage. But, even if given a green light, I would not be able to sleep with someone, unless emotionally Invested, in relationship. Even though I check them out, I dont want to sleep with any of them.. It could be just lack of experience.
I was intimate with a friend of mine in my late teens, at the time i was oblivious to the idea i might not be straight. I had a boyfriend (who i ended up marrying) who i loved very much and so in my 18 year old head, i couldn't possibly be anything other than straight. I guess i convinced myself that i was just like a lot of girls who liked to drink and kiss for attention. I just chose not to recognise the minor detail that my friend and i used to go off in private and it went somewhat further than just kissing. My friend ended up coming out to me and things changed between us because hey, i wasn't gay or bi right? Haha. I started questioning my sexuality about two years ago and about 18 months ago my husband went through my internet history and confronted me. From that he was able to work out that i had feelings for my sons teacher, also because I'm a shocking liar and couldn't make him believe otherwise. It was a long process, and at times he'd seem ok about me being bi, and other times he was so angry. I had to pretend it was nothing, i never spoke about my sons teacher and even told him that I'd gotten over her. My sexuality wasn't the reason for our separation, but it did make things hard towards the end and definitely played a part. I understand not been able to sleep with someone even if you were given the green light. For me, i need to know someone well and be emotionally invested as you say. I've always been that way. Any relationship I've ever had has been off the back of a friendship. I think that may also be making it hard for you to determine your sexuality because you can't imagine jumping straight into bed with a woman without first developing a trusting relationship. Can i just say, i can't either. Even now, having been with the woman i was seeing literally last week, i still can't see me casually having sex, I'm not like that and from the sounds of it, you aren't either. As for my sons teacher, i can definitely see us being friends outside school once my son leaves, as i said, she already said I'm her friend (i had all the crazy emotions about that when she said it) but as for anything more- not likely. She has a long term girlfriend, so unless they break up, I've got no hope haha. That's the frustrating thing, she confides in me (we both suffer with similar mental illnesses) and says her partner doesn't understand etc. So basically I'm filling an emotional need for understanding and compassion that her partner can't, but that's all it is for her. I'm someone she can vent to and i do the same to her. And i don't mind but it is excruciating. I guess for you, you will get to a point where you will know if you can continue living how you are. You may not have figured out your sexuality but maybe that gap won't close between you and ypur husband, OR maybe it will and you'll just know what the right thing to do is. For me, even if my ex and i hadn't separated when we did, i know i had reached that point where i felt i was living a lie and i know things would have ended eventually anyway. I may have left my ex and found i didn't want to be with women at all and my catalyst was my exception but I'd reached that point where something had to give. And i truly believe you'll know if that time comes for you, you'll know if you have to take that leap. Sorry for the length of this, i just really empathise and see myself in what you're saying.
I emphasize with everything you are saying. So you may have been catalyst for your friend in high school? Everything you are describing about your husband's reaction and what you had to do to smooth things out resonates. I never told him I could be bi. It was basically a glitch that's it. I think what pushed me back into my hetero role asap where his threats to take the kids away beacause if I end up with a woman, it us 'unfit' environment. You didnt want to live a lie and that prompted separation as well. Staying true and honest with myself may be a long quest. I am not ready unfortunately to make the change if it is needed. I do work well under pressure lol! As for your teacher friend - she is clearly confiding to you building this emotional bond which her girlfriend may not be maintaining.
Yeah, I think i was my friends catalyst and it makes me feel a bit guilty now because i know how much of an impact my catalyst has had on me. I can imagine what she must have been going through. She couldn't handle been around me after she told me and we drifted apart. I understand completely falling back into that hetero role to keep the peace, it's so hard! As for an unfit environment for kids, i don't know about where you live, but here, it's not deemed unfit. It was something that concerned me too but i was told that any higher ups want kids to be with their mothers and as long as it's a safe and loving environment, there is no reason they could be taken from you. Maybe it wold be an idea to do some research on it? As far as my ex goes, he knows i was seeing a woman and didn't try anything, I'll give him that, i couldn't be with him but he is a decent guy. It's a long process but you'll get there. I was unhappy for years and didn't see me getting out of that situation any time soon. I spent the last two years of my marriage knowing i was going to leave eventually, it was just a matter of when. Even when it did happen, it wasn't planned, we'd had a fight and it just snowballed from there. In a way, i think i needed that time before that to realise who i was and what i wanted. Maybe that's the case for you as well? As for my teacher friend. I'm just taking it as it comes. I can't hold onto hope because i don't want to spend the next 18 months not living my life fully. It's hard when she treats me as she does and even my therapist has said on a few occassions that she thinks she may have feelings for me too. But, feelings happen and it doesn't necessarily mean she'll leave her partner or do anything about them. And that's even if she does have feelings. It's hard moving forward with others though when i have to see her every week and when i try to distance myself, she chases me and has huge discussions with me. It's quite the frustrating conversation. How did your catalyst react when you told her you were attracted to her?
I am reading every word of yours - so true. I am in US but hearing all manipulation from my husband made me really scared of possibility of losing them. Of course I told him that will never happen no matter what he says. But deep down inside I had doubts. He is a nice guy, but was so mad. When he gets angry he is impatient and says things that are far from the truth or reality. For example he called her in front of me to find out 'the truth', if anything happened between us. He told her I am hitting him when I was like 20 ft away - that part was insane! I figured if he was able to come up with this, what is going to happen if divorce? To my confession she reacted gracefully saying she is seeing a guy but will listen to me if I needed. Since then we did not speak for several months then slowly got back to some eye contact and occasional hello. We see each other at the same place at least couple times/week and she has done a few nice things for me lately to the point that I did same couple times as well. It is a strange relationship/communication if you call it, since we don't have conversations. But, I do appreciate things she's done lately. You truly needed that time to grow and be sure and ready to leave. 18 months is a long time -if it is difficult to get your mind off of her, maybe going out with others as friends would work. You are looking at the situation as it is, and your therapist may be right about possible feelings, but she is taken. There is a chance that despite possible holes in her relationship with gf she may not leave. It is wise of you to try to keep it neutral for now and take best care of you. Are these discussions of hers about your son and school? Trying to find out how you are, or about her problems?
I understand your fear and it's hard not to listen when he is being so manipulative and throwing around threats the way he is. I can't believe he went as far as calling her and pretending you were hitting him. That is some crazy stuff. No wonder you worry. Divorces can be so messy and i remember my mum saying when i was younger that you don't truly know a person 100% until you break up with them and see their true colours. I remember thinking that was impossible but i was with my ex for 11 years and the shit he has pulled...it amazes me. As far as splitting goes, we are fairly amicable but he has done some questionable things so i can imagine the thought of divorce for you, having seen the way your husband has reacted in the past..must be pretty scary for you. Just remember though, there is no reason for your kids to be taken from you, despite what he may say. I've actually researched a lot and spoken with my therapist who has consulted with higher ups about my own circumstances. Not just dating women, but I've suffered with mental illnesses for ages, i have an eating disorder and have bouts of self harm, along with general depression and anxiety. None of these things effect my kids, their wellbeing or my ability to care for them and i obviously get help for my illnesses but i was worried my ex (more specifically my ex mother in law) might try something dodgy with custody so i wanted to know my rights etc. And honestly, i was told that if the kids are fine and I'm getting treatment, there is no way a court would rule against the mother. Unless child endangerment was clear, my ex had no leg to stand on. Thank fully it was never an issue and we settled on a custody agreement we could both work with. It was really brave of you to tell her you had feelings for her, did it feel somewhat good to get it off your chest? I can imagine it must ahve been pretty awkward there for a while, how did you cope?! I'm happy things have been getting better recently though, must make things easier when seeing her. So is she straight do you know? So with the teacher, the discussions are about how I'm going and often how she is as well. We both share our issues with one another. I have often tried to withdraw and distance myself and not enter into deep conversations, but i can literally feel when she wants to talk to me. She will go so far out of her way to say hi, like she will come out of her room to speak to me and her "how are you's" are super pointed like "how ARE you?". For example, the other week she followed me outside when i went with my son to get his bag and sort of blocked off the door and was like "how are you going, how's everything, are you ok?". And i knew it was coming because the day before she was headed into another room and she saw me, stopped and waited to say hello, to the point it was ridiculous because i was like 10m away and couldn't even hear her. It's like i can feel a conversation brewing. Plus we live in the same suburb so we always run into each other. Just yesterday i was at the shops and was completely oblivious and she came over to me and i was caught off guard and probably acted special haha. I just can't escape her. Plus she has a special relationship with my son, she's known him since he was 15 months because my eldest son was taught by her too, and my 4 year old (the little one) just loved her, he even gave away his dummies to her. So she's got this beautiful relationship with him, even confirmed by her partner (who introduced herself to me at our local cafe we go to, the teacher wasn't there but the partner overheard my name and took it upon herself to introduce herself because the teacher talks about me and she said it was nice to put a face to the name etc) who said the teacher just adores my youngest and he has a special place in her heart. So they cuddle and kiss (she even said to me she's not meant to kiss because "kisses are for family" but it's so hard not to with my youngest) and have this amazing relationship that just makes it all the more harder. And I'm so sorry for going off on that ridiculous spiel about her, as you can see, it's driving me crazy!
Yes that is my thinking. Actually every crazy thing that was said and done then was scary. I dont think I would be able to recall all that was said and done as I was feeling some nightmare dream unfolding. Once you 'wake up' and everything subsides, you remember few key things but all the twisted made up stuff - difficult to account for. What your mom said is so true! I can tell you though: he feels good to be with and married to, aside from all doubts on my orientation and my feelings about her. So, I am not ready to quit anything. It felt very sad to tell her, since I felt she would not reciprocate, or be totally honest with me (open up). But I was at the point where I had to let her know. I was deliberating seriously for a few days prior and felt it was like taking a huge dive, with no way back. It was extremely awqward for a long while and my self esteem was so low due to sadness, stress and just plain embarrassment that I exposed my weird feelings. I regretted telling her, for a very long time. Even now I would say to anyone: proceed with extreme caution. It took me a while to realize and actually feel that I was brave to tell her and I was honest, treating her as she was really worth my effort. That gives me huge points and a check mark on my life's CV it took me nearly 2 years to realize this and love myself for this. I dont know if she is a lesbian, I assume if she dates guys she may be either hetero or bi, or someone else. She likes to present masculine but can dress feminine too. I just don't know. If she doesn't have same feelings for me, her orientation would not matter - I wouldn't care is someone is checking my a.s if they don't love me LOL As for your teacher friend, it is easy to see she truly cares about you and your son. I dont know her personality - some people when really care a lot, can be in your face all the time. Is she like this with others? Just to throw this possibility -she may want to be really close friend of yours. The fact that her gf knew all about you suggests that maybe she is going out of her way to talk to you without knowing she is doing something out of ordinary or has romantic feelings? Look at it this way: if she had strong romantic feelings, would she talk to her gf about you? Despite all of this, there is definitely a special connection that I would not throw away or act like something is bothering you. I really hope you stay OK through the 18 months. I would try not to look too much into her actions and just take in her support and care from a friend's perspective. It is hard to tell if any action here for now would help. I don't know everything that is said or done, hopefully you find a healthy balance that keeps you OK in coming months till you know anything more definite.
