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Why does it hurt?

Discussion in 'For Parents and Family Members of LGBT People' started by Aikidoka, Jun 2, 2017.

  1. Aikidoka

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    Background: I'm a 33 year old liberal single father. I have gay friends. I marched alongside them for marriage equality. I know sexuality isn't a choice.

    My 13 year old son came out to me yesterday.

    I told him that I support him and love him no matter what. I told him I knew it wasn't a choice. I told him that I suspected that he was gay for quite some time now. I also told him that I wished it wasn't true because of the way gay men are treated in this world.

    I've known people that were nearly beaten to death for taking the "wrong" person to prom. I've spent my whole life hearing people use the terms "gay" and "fag" as casual insults.

    I know I didn't cause my son's sexuality, but I feel like I've failed. I also feel bad for feeling bad about his sexuality. I just don't understand why this hurts. It shouldn't. I don't view homosexuality as a moral issue. Why does this hurt?
     
  2. Quantumreality

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    Hey Aikidoka,

    Welcome to EC!:slight_smile:

    Thanks for being such an accepting father of an LGBTQ child and an Ally!

    What you are going through is normal. It’s one thing to support LGBTQ people and issues. It’s quite a different thing to realize that you have an LGBTQ family member – it becomes very real and personal. A common initial reaction from parents is fear for their child’s well-being as they have to navigate their life in this world with the potential of being discriminated against because of their sexual orientation. The good news is that people - especially the younger generations - are becoming more and more accepting of LGBTQ people.

    You are going through the grieving process. In this case you are most likely experiencing the ‘loss’ of your son’s heteronormativity and all the specific hopes and expectations you may have had for him as a ‘normal’ heterosexual male. Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross' said that there are five stages of grief (denial-anger-bargaining-depression-acceptance). If you read this Resource page, maybe it will give you some insight to what you are feeling. You may also want to download and read the Our Children pamphlet from PFLAG.

    Please continue to interact with us here on EC if you have any further questions, issues, or concerns.
     
    #2 Quantumreality, Jun 2, 2017
    Last edited: Jun 2, 2017
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  3. Angus44

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    Hey Aikidoka, first of all I just wanted to commend you for how you handled the situation. Your son is lucky to have someone so supportive in his life. As for how you are feeling you might find this article useful.
    Best,
    Gus

    (I guess Quantumreality beat me to it)
     
    #3 Angus44, Jun 2, 2017
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  4. malachite

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    Finding out your kid different is always rough for the parent. If your kid is born with a birth defect, not I'm comparing the two just making an analogy, it would natural to feel that somehow, some way you did something wrong.
    You might be guilting yourself into feeling bad because you feel bad. You know there is nothing wrong with being gay, but the shock made you feel a way you weren't expecting and now you the guilt sets in.
    Plus you know your kid is going to have it harder because of how shitty society is.

    Give yourself the time to let it sink in and take root.
     
  5. Aikidoka

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    Thanks for the support. I'm a second year nursing student, so I'm familiar with the stages of grieving from my psych classes. I'm also a divorced father with the sole custody of two children and I've experienced my share of loss as well. What you've shared with me has opened my eyes. Grief is a process that I'm familiar with, and that understanding makes it a bit more bearable.
     
    #5 Aikidoka, Jun 3, 2017
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  6. dreamingfreely

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    My 12 year old daughter recently told me that she is gay and it hurt for me as well, at least for a couple days. I was mostly worried about her getting bullied or hurt and I thought she might have a more difficult path in life. But you know what any number of things could make her life difficult and I know she is a strong young lady. I am a parent so I am going to be worried about her no matter what. You sound like a great dad and your son is lucky to have your unconditional love and support. He felt secure to tell you as well.
     
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  7. cadejnik

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    It's sad the way gays are treated in our world today. But hiding behind that won't help fix it.
     
  8. Foxfeather

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    My aunt felt the exact same way too when i told her. Like they weren't there for me. You're internalizing this as a failure as a parent. That's okay. I know it's hard for you, but over time, you'll get used to it and things will work itself out. It's okay if you feel guilty now. Over time, you'll come to realize it's still your same son and he's going to be okay on his own and he's going to get closer to be himself.
     
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  9. annag423

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    I would agree with what the others here have said so far, but I would also venture a guess that it hurts for you because you've seen what likely lies ahead for him. You know what's coming, so to speak, what he'll have to deal with and go through for being open about who he is. I'd say it's normal to feel bad for him just knowing firsthand what he'll have to face.

    I'm not sure if you're big on pop culture references, but reading what you said I thought of that scene in Fellowship of the Ring where Frodo volunteers to take the ring to Mordor. You remember Gandalf's reaction, how sad he was? He was sad not because he was disappointed or ashamed but because he knew better than most what Frodo would have to go through.

    I'd also say your feelings of failure as a parent have nothing to do with your son being gay and everything to do with wanting to protect him from what lies ahead but knowing you won't be able to, at least not entirely. I'd say that's entirely normal, too.
     
  10. Patrick7269

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    I agree with the people above that you likely are grieving the loss of something you held to be "normal". In my opinion it's a normal reaction to an apparent loss, and you have nothing to feel guilty for.

    Patrick
     
  11. resu

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    Try not to focus on doomsday predictions. Now, there are many places in the US where LGBT people can live fulfilling lives out in the open (I witnessed that in Salt Lake). Yes, your son may be subjected to harassment and homophobia, but that's not his fault (nor yours). You both will have to learn how to deal and fight against this injustice. I'm guessing you study aikido, which is about responding to external aggressors. You did not cause the aggression, but you practice the defensive response.

    Your son is very lucky to have a supportive parent, and he felt comfortable enough to come out at such a young age. One thing you could do include finding if his school has a GSA (gay straight alliance) club, but even just being there for him to talk about his fears and concerns will help a lot. You could also go to a local PFLAG (parents and friends of lesbians and gays) meeting to learn from other parents.