Mom of 13 year old pan romantic daughter feeling guilty...

You don't have any responsibility toward B's parents. You're responsibility is to B, your daughter's pan friend. Assuming that both of her parents are homophobic, she really needs an accepting parental figure to be there for her. Knowing that a parent won't love you no matter what hurts, it hurts a lot. I fully support B's not wanting to tell her openly homophobic parents - in that type of environment it just isn't safe. At worst she can get kicked out, but even if that doesn't happen it can still subject her to insults from her own family. Emotional abuse, really. Basically...its her secret to tell and in her own time, ideally when she's financially independent and has a group of supportive people she can rely on that hopefully includes some adults too. Your daughter has struggled and she has accepting parents - imagine how much worse it can be for kids who know their parents might not be accepting.

Okay i didn't read that last bit before posting that. I need details here, at least fake letter names. Who is this that has been treated so cruelly? The girl that is going to conversion therapy and been banned from seeing her LGBT friends that your daughter dated. Was she dating A or B, or is this another unnamed girl? This girl, whoever she is - does she have anybody to help her? Like, does she get to see her friends at school at least? Is there any way you can work around the no contact thing? Email, skype, texting, etc. I know your worried for your daughter but to be frank i'm more worried for this girl if she's mostly alone having to deal with all of that.

But onto your daughter...have you talked with her about the repercussions of attending PFLAG? I mean you don't have to be out to attend the meetings, i wouldn't think...couldn't you just go to them and feel it out, if you get what i mean? Like go and see how people's reactions are. You don't have to tell people that that's where your going. What does your daughter want to do? Is she wanting to take this slowly and feel it out, or is she ready to be out? It doesn't have to be some big thing with a group meeting to come out either, it can be on a casual basis (like if dating or crushes comes up in conversation) or on a need to know basis. Tell a trusted few and make up a good lie for everyone else.

 

First of all, I think you are an amazing parent. I haven't seen many parents who are as progressive and supportive as you.

I agree with LunarLyric. It's important for B to have an accepting parental figure and an lgbt safe environment to escape to. I'd hate for her to lose that on account of coming out to/accidentally being outed to her parents. Coming out can be scary, and like LunarLyric said, in that type of environment it just isn't safe. Not being able to be open about who you are is tough, but being rejected or even disowned by your parents is way worse. Until it is safe to come out, she has you, your daughter and her friends.

I too am worried about the girl going through conversion therapy. Is she still in conversion therapy? To be honest I don't know much about the subject other than from what I've learned from stories. It's illegal over here in the Netherlands. I'm surprised it isn't in Massachusetts. I've lived near Boston for a while and everybody was so progressive.

 

I believe in the US the only state its illegal in is California.

 

It is illigal in various states and countries.

New Jersey, California, Oregon, Illinois, New York, Vermont, New Mexico and Connecticut, Additionally in the District of Columbia.

Additionally it is Illigal in Australia, Canada, China, Ecuador*, Malta, Switzerland**, Taiwan***, UK and The Netherlands (From a slightly outdated list)

* = Ecuador is forcing closure on all therapy camps and mental institute sections for this purpose but has not made private hiring for this purpose illigal.
** = Technically no law prohibiting conversion therapy, however your child gets placed out of home if you attempt to force your child to undergo conversion therapy and if the child choses himself the family will be on long term watch from child protective services.
*** = Only Illigal in one "District" of the country, process to make it illigal in the whole country ongoing.

The girl in conversion therapy needs to get out of there as soon as possible, however it happens it has too. I know someone who before it became illegal here, was forced into said conversion therapy, it is very mentally torturing and has lead to her attempting suicide multiple times. I sadly can't give you any tips on how, I do not have knowledge of the legal system surrounding decisions of children in your country. It is actually the parents that need therapy, that may enlighten the child's pain. If they are homophobic from religious reasons try convincing them to go to a gay accepting church pastor once for his advice, it is the first step to making a change. Humans are not incapable of change, but change can be very hard to achieve, always remember that. If you are mentally stable enough to fight for a longer amount of time that can very well be the way to go.

Good Luck, I hope you find a way.

 

Parents may say what they want to say but if B wants to hang out with your daughter at school, then so be it. It really sucks that this is the case in your small town. I understand where your guilt stems from, kids should never ever have to feel ashamed of who they are.

It really is up to you what to do at this point. Maybe it's safer to avoid detection and bullying to stay out of PFLAG. I'd say talk to your daughter about these things as well. She's probably had to deal with insensitivities and she's mature enough to help you make decisions like this. One risk associate with being out is bullying, and depression that may come with it but at the same time having that support group may be good for you and her. It's up to you to decide ultimately and I don't blame you if you and your daughter decide to remain stealth to avoid bullying and abuse.

A final option is to possibly move to a more open minded community

 

As many others have said, you do not need to tell B's parents anything that will harm B. You shouldn't and I am proud of you for not doing so, don't feel guilty because you're protecting B. I can suggest trying to coax them towards accepting the community in general, but it is not your responsibility.
Keep up the amazing work with your daughter, she will surely thrive knowing you accept her.