I'm just going to put it all out there. Sometimes an outsider's perspective can be helpful :') I'm a 21 year old woman and a virgin. The farthest I've gone with anyone is kissing two of my guy friends during a game of truth or dare at age 16. The thing is, I had crushes on those guys, or at least I thought I did. However, when I kissed them, I felt absolutely nothing-- it was actually quite unpleasant. I'm starting to wonder if I was even attracted to any of the boys I had crushes on in high school. I just wanted to cuddle with them-- that's it. The thought of doing anything sexual with them made me extremely uncomfortable, which is the reason why I stayed far away from relationships. (Maybe this is ~too deep~ but it could possibly be because I craved emotional intimacy from males due to my dad dying when I was young. I had a bad relationship with him.) All of my friends in high school suspected that I was a lesbian. I got extremely defensive whenever I was accused. The idea was absurd to me since I had "crushes" on guys and wasn't attracted to any of the girls at school. Here's where it gets a bit weird. Looking back, I realized that I had a ton of crushes on women. Older women. I remember having crushes on female celebrities and teachers at a very young age. I'm still not at all attracted to girls my own age because I see them as girls, not women. I get soooooo many crushes on female celebrities, and unlike the crushes I had on guys, I'm actually attracted to these women. Are celebrity crushes even a valid indicator? Being that I'm pretty young, I don't have women who are in their late 20s - early 40s in my social circle, so it's not like I have real life crushes to judge from. I've also watched a lot of lesbian-oriented movies and T.V. shows. It's weird, lesbian romance movies are the only ones I can tolerate because I actually find them romantic, unlike straight romance movies. When I watched Carol for the first time last April, I had an epiphany. I was like, "holy shit... could I be... GAY?!" (To those of you who don't know what it is, it's about a lesbian relationship between an older woman and younger woman. It's amazing, so is the book.) Side-note: I've never planned on getting in a relationship or experimenting until I'm at least 25 or older. I want to focus on discovering who I am and developing my sense of self before any of that. Also, the idea of having sex with guys freaks me out and I haven't had crushes on any since high-school. I JUST DON'T KNOW, YA KNOW? Is any of this stuff even worth pondering-- are sex and relationships overrated? Are labels overrated? If you guys have any input whatsoever, I'd appreciate it so much <3
The idea of having sex with guys freaks me out. I've never actually had sex before, so I have no clue what the actual experience would be like. The idea of having sex with women freaks me out a lot less, however.
It sounds like (to me, being well nobody really) an older girlfriend would be just right for you. A nice one, of course.
Nobody can tell you what you are apart from you but from what you have said I would say it sounds like you are definitely not straight and that you are probably gay but stick around and we will help you figure it out.
