I have stuffed up so bad. I'm so confused as to what to do? This will be a long one so i apologise in advance. The girl i am seeing... was seeing? I don't know? I think I've messed it up. I don't even know where to begin? Keep in mind that this girl has chased me, always texting, calling, wanting to see me and over all super keen, to the point where I'm somewhat concerned things are moving too fast. It all started on saturday, i got the news that the next fortnight i don't have my kids, my son also doesn't have football (i always go watch him play even if it's not my weekend with my kids) and i was really happy to let this girl know because this weekend just gone i had plans booked in with my best friend on both friday night and all day saturday and saturday night (it was organised before i started seeing this girl). I felt bad because i couldn't offer her more time and only had sunday free which we planned to spend together. I told her about my free weekend and she was like "oh yeah, ok well I'll have to check my diary and let you know because i have weddings coming up". Fair enough. I didn't think much of it. Then as the day went on, with very little contact, i started over analysing. I spoke to her that night and she said i was being silly. Ok fair enough. Then sunday she texts me and tells me she's really sick, she gets kidney stones and she gets knocked around for a couple of days because of them. I then freak out. Not at her, but I'm convinced she hates me and i start to spiral, i become really short and vague with her and basically must have seemed like a bitch. I texted her later to apologise and she was fine. Now we always do stuff on a tuesday night because i don't have my kids but i figured she needed to take it easy so we spoke about her just staying home etc. Then last night, we're talking and she says she's bored so she's going to the gym. My line of thinking was that if she could manage the gym, she should be ok to hang out, but nothing was mentioned. I asked her when i was going to get to see her next? And she didn't reply for ages so i texted her saying I was getting the vibe she didn't want to hang out and that's ok, but can she just tell me. She started saying ok, so you're free tuesday and wednesday....and i told her she didn't need to pity hang out with me. And she was like "babe, stop, i want to" so i said whenever suited her was fine and she said "I'll work something out, i promise". And i was left really fucking confused? As i said, she's always wanted to hang and has been strong on pursuing me. So i crack. I tell her exactly how much I'm freaking out, I'm spiralling and i have no idea where i stand anymore. I spelt it out for her, said that i want to see her but it's hard with my kids and she's busy and maybe it's not going to work and i can't do this. She then said "please sleep on this, think about it and then tell me if you still feel like this, I'll always be here, you know that" etc etc. I told her i didn't know that, i really didn't, I'm confused etc and basically nothing was at all resolved. I ended the conversation by saying that texting was shitting me because i can't talk properly so I'm just going to bed. I haven't spoken to her since. I don't want to come across as desperate so I'm not initiating contact. I'm so confused. She's well aware of my anxiety and how i overanalyse. I was super honest about how i was feeling vulnerable and i don't know where i stand etc. She kept saying that she's here for me and i know that and to please think about this. It's just, I'm confused because her actions don't match her words. I don't know what I'm meant to do? I've probably freaked her out with my freak out, yet she's saying she's there for me? But not actually saying anything that makes me feel confident that things are ok. This is the type of person i am, i shut down when i feel vulnerable and i just needed her to say something that made things clearer for me but all i got were things like "babe it's fine". It's just how she is i guess. But i said to her that i was doing her a favour by calling it off and she said that it's not how she sees it and i replied with, and i quote "Well I'm not certain how you see it? I don't know what I'm meant to do, i want to see you, we can't and so i don't see the point. And now i seem like a sook, but there you go" and she replies with "i don't think you're a sook". Ummm. You are missing the point! I'm so beyond sorry for the length of this and i know it's super rambly, I'm sorry! Any insight would be great, I'm at a loss. I think maybe I'm not cut out for a relationship. I can't deal with it. I shouldn't have let myself care, that was my mistake. I should have just stayed pining over my sons unattainable teacher and not bothered pursuing anything real.
Hey I'm sorry you are struggling. Take a deep breath. Relationship beginning can be hard when you struggle with anxiety and stuff but I don't think you should give up if you like her. The thing is with people that don't suffer from anxiety or have no experience of it is that they don't realise how much their reply can make a difference, to her she potentially thinks she is saying the right thing. I think just putting what has happened over the last couple of days to the side you need to decide whether or not you like this girl and want to continue a relationship. If the answer to that is no fine break it off. If the answer is yes then I think you would be silly to break it off. Being vulnerable is difficult especially when you have anxiety but you can overcome it.
It doesn't matter. It's done. I'm too complicated and all that. Can't say i blame her. I hate the person i am.
