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Sexual and Gender Fluidity

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by WhoIsKris, Jun 26, 2017.

  1. WhoIsKris

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    I'm going to a discussion tonight on the intersection of sexual and gender fluidity. I'm nervous. I've been playing around with gender ideas: short hair, buying clothes from the guy's section (even used their changing rooms a couple times), leading while dancing, bedroom experimentation.

    Some of this is about breaking down gender role barriers, but some of it might be more than that for me. I've been comfortable for a while saying I'm attracted to women, but the label lesbian hasn't felt quite right. Today I tried on the label bisexual trans man and this already feels like it could fit better. Though I also get all sorts of fear and tension and confusion and WTFs echoing in my brain. And I don't want to erase my femininity either, I think. I have quite a bit of work to do in this area to figure this out.

    Anyway, posting here to gather the courage to actually go to the discussion tonight. Hope that I don't become so emotional there that I break down in tears.
     
  2. leb10

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    Hi Kris - You should totally go to the discussion! If there's one thing I've learned over the last few months of my own crazy ride, it is how important it is to listen when your inner self is trying to tell you something. Go see if there's something out there that might make you feel more complete :slight_smile:
     
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  3. Myles Kramer

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    Hey, Bigender Bisexual here! I love that you have the courage to go to this discussion, in my experience validating a non-binary (especially a fluid identity) goes against so many conventional ideas of what it means to be "a gender" by cisgendered norms that its hard to let yourself experiment, so lots of love! Good luck! (will you be speaking in the discussion or just attending it to listen to a panel of speakers?)
     
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  4. WhoIsKris

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    Thanks leb10 and Myles. I appreciate your encouragement. This is an open discussion, so I can speak if I want to. As to whether I can get brave enough for that, we'll see. First I've got to get myself in the room. The experimentation part is hard, partly because I feel so visible and so unsure. I don't have good answers to a lot of questions yet.

    Just posting and putting my thoughts in the world has helped. Thanks for listening!
     
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  5. Contented

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    WIK, excellent post. I feel the same as a male discovering and accepting my homosexuality. I feel tradition gender roles for me starting to crumble. I no longer want to pretend to be this masculine / macho person. I am finding a real connection to my feminie side and while it is somewhat scary I am liking it. Mani/pedis, body hair removal, more care with skin, sexier underwear, earring,etc I have started to experiment with and frankly like it. I know I am a male but maybe for the first time allowing myself to realize a much more fem gay one. This is so different from who I was. My BF is much further along this path and his support has helped greatly.
     
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  6. AlwaysPLUR

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    Kris, I'm so happy you posted this because I'm in the same situation myself! From the opposite biological beginning, that is.
    AMAB here, and although I LOVE being feminine and even the idea of being a female, I also want to be a man sometimes. Sometimes I want to be Marilyn Monroe, but today I slicked back my hair because I wanted to be Elvis Presley. Sometimes I want to be a Ryan Gosling, but tonight I wish I was an Emma Stone (seriously, how perfect is she?).
    I wish I could offer some insight or advice or some definite answer, but I'm sorry to say I can't. I'm just here to say that I support you and you're already a beautiful person no matter what you end up deciding. If you ever need anything or someone to vent to or whatever, do not hesitate to message me.
    Wishing you the best, doll! <3
     
  7. WhoIsKris

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    I didn't make it :frowning2: , but not for lack of trying. I knew I was going to be 30-45 minutes late because it started during my salsa lessons. (Yes, salsa! I'm learning how to lead and getting to dance with tons of pretty ladies. It's also a very visible challenge to gender roles as I'm the only female leader, and no male followers in this class.) After having a blast dancing, I hopped in my car to try to find the building where the discussion was held. Planned out my route, then found several blocks closed off. Waited for an ambulance to go by. Looped around many different blocks a few times, finally ended up in a strange parking structure with ominous towing signs everywhere. I looked up the building on the website, where it said to enter from a different street into a parking structure. Went around another block, got to the parking structure only to find the entrance roped off. At this point, I was at a light and would have had to go around yet another block again, find parking somewhere else, walk to the building. I figured this would take another 10 minutes which would put me over an hour late to an event that's only an hour and a half long. So, I went and fed my hungry belly instead (salsa is exercise!!).

    But, I will try again! All of your support helped me so much, I love the positive messages and that there are more people out there like me even if you started at a different point. It does feel like a fluid thing, some days I feel quite masculine. I'm starting to grow armpit hair, wearing men's deodorant (I love wearing the scent of Old Spice). I wore a dress shirt, tie and slacks to both a wedding and a funeral recently. Other days (especially with my girls around) I feel feminine, helping them paint their nails, do their hair etc. Wearing clothes that accentuate my curves. I think I might actually be in between, the term bi-gender sounds fitting. I know since I started this journey of awakening, the color purple has really called to me. Maybe that's where I am, purple gender, purple sexuality, purple politics. The negative thoughts in my head say that's just me wanting to have it all and not choose. Maybe it's that a little bit, but it's also a fun place to hang out and it's where I feel the most comfortable.

    The down side is I end up in strange places socially. The only female leading at dancing. Choosing between a table of all gay guys and all lesbians for trivia and sitting with the gay guys. Feeling like I'm sitting both at the wrong table and the right table. Maybe as I get clearer in my own mind of what feels comfortable to me, I will project less uncomfortableness in these settings.

    (And Emma Stone is perfect :wink: )
     
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  8. Myles Kramer

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    I must confess, I am younger, Kris, so take what I have to say with a grain of salt if my journey doesn't connect with you as much. When a lot of people were experimenting with fashion and finding their style in high school, I honestly just didn't care what I looked like, the idea of considering what others thought of my appearance just didn't concern me. Sure I worked out and had fun with finding clothes that I liked (finally! shopping was always excruciatingly awkward for me) and I found out that dressing to be GNC so that I was gender-ly ambiguous was incredibly affirming but I didn't consider my appearance to be a way that I wanted to define myself. I got into college and quickly found out that attitude was considered childish and unprofessional and I tried to change my attitude and clean myself up... when I did I felt so aware of how much I couldn't fit in with my gender designated at birth. I tried to conform with it so I would be more respected but I never knew when I was looking better than I had before or doing it right because the effort I was putting into my appearance didn't even reflect me. Honestly my appearance just became a tool to manipulate how other people saw me but it felt miserable because I wasn't even living my own life, it was like watching another person grow up, and I like the idea of that person, but I wouldn't like to be that person.

    I wanted to share that because even after I knew better and started considering myself nonbinary, I started to make small changes towards who I want to be in how I look just for the hell of it. And that was freeing, letting go of an internal conversation of referring to myself by whether I should avoid people and feel ashamed or not depending on what I imagined they'd think of me, but that isn't easy. Because people do interact with me depending on how well I conform to my gender designated at birth and the expectations and roles for me because of that gender. So my answer to that was seeking out other trans people in my school's lgbtq organization and spending time at their discussions and group meetings and talking through what makes me uncomfortable and having their help to try and navigate it. I think you should be respected and celebrated for ending up in strange places socially and I hope you do make it to a discussion because my journey in finding some degree of self-definition was freeing, even though that definition is always growing. (I also think that if your definition of gender identity makes you want to "have it all", you shouldn't be dulling yourself down or limiting yourself because who wants to be half a person? Your identity SHOULD have all of you in it.)
     
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  9. WhoIsKris

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    Myles,
    Thanks for a great response! I have had a couple more failed attempts at making it to some sort of trans support group. But then I had a great conversation with my Dad and stepmom to let them know I'm questioning and experimenting. It was hard to talk about when I still don't have many answers, but it felt great to hear their support!

    And then yesterday, I finally got brave enough to talk with the gender nonbinary couple who showed up to a meetup. It was so helpful to talk with them. (Except for the part where I started crying in the restaurant). Anyway, they took my contact info and texted me after the event was over. We had a good chat, and they offered to hang out sometime for more conversation. I'm crying now as I remember how it felt to text with them, it might take me a few days (or another month!) before I work up the courage to take them up on their offer.

    In the meantime, they suggested I find a close friend and ask them to try using different pronouns for me. Thinking about that now to see whether that's something I would like to try.

    Still so much to sort out in my head and heart. It helps sooo much to hear other people's stories and support and encouragement.