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Love is love, I know but...

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by baristajedi, Jun 26, 2017.

  1. baristajedi

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    I know that all relationships are different, because everyone is an individual, and I know that straight love and gay love are just well, love... But I wonder if anyone else feels (or wonders whether) straight relationships are different from gay relationships in some respects.

    I personally feel that, in addition to being aligned fully to what I really need, being a woman with a woman has a lot of differences, all pretty incredible, to those of straight relationships.

    What are your experiences? These are my observations:

    - she gives me love with more care and more fully than a man ever has. I'm sure that men are often tender and wonderful, but my girlfriend gets me in a way that I just don't think men do. She seems to know when I need to talk, when I just need a cuddle, when I'm shy or honestly anything that I'm feeling, and she knows exactly what to do. I feel like we're more in tune with eachother and much of that probably stems from better communication and understanding eachother as women.

    - communication in general is amazing; I think this comes partly from us being more in tune as women to communicate more fully and really, just more; but also I feel we're more honest with eachother. There's no need for guessing or for games, we just speak honestly to eachother.

    - no weird gender dynamic. We have no need to play into gender norms. We take things on equally, we share in the easy and tough things equally, we expect the same from eachother rather than having a gendered view of who should be doing what in our relationship.

    - better body appreciation, I feel so beautiful when I'm with my girlfriend, but with men my body has always felt wrong or judged in some way. Even when my partner has been wonderful in this area, i have always felt like my body needed to fit a certain mould and I didn't ever feel quite comfortable in that expectation, no matter how confident I personally felt.

    - better appreciation of eachother as people. My girlfriend appreciates qualities in me that men don't often compliment. She talks constantly about my strength and courage (and I'm in awe of her strength, courage and boldness as well) she also appreciates my vulnerability and my tendency to be emotional (and I hers). No matter how much the men i've been with have really loved me for who I am, these traits didn't seem to get that kind of reaction.

    -there's so much more but this is just a start....i'm just curious to others' thoughts. I don't mean this to come across as a generalisation but it does strike me as something true and I really appreciate these differences in my relationship with my girlfriend. I love that we actually take care of eachother, we're both tender and giving and loving and patient with each other, I've never felt cared for this way by anyone. And I appreciate the way we are so in tune with each other

    Does anyone have similar or different observations?
     
    #1 baristajedi, Jun 26, 2017
    Last edited: Jun 26, 2017
  2. OnTheHighway

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    I have certainly given this thought. I am not sure there is a clear answer. Part of it may seem as if gay relationships are stronger because there is so much more each person can relate to with one another. But I often weigh that perspective with the emotional wall that had impacted my ability to truly make myself vulnerable in a straight relationship. And so the lack of true and complete vulnerability impeded my ability create a deep bond. As such, I can see why after coming out and being in a gay relationship the bond seems so much stronger.

    I look at some of my friends in straight relationships, and I do see the type of love and bond that I am now experiencing in my gay marriage. So if I really weigh between the two, I would actually lean towards thinking straight relationships and gay relationship do indeed have similar bonds when both parties are completely vulnerable with one another .
     
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  3. baristajedi

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    Ive been wondering whether a lot of the deeper emotional connection I have with my girlfriend is exactly what you're saying; a deeper willingness to be vulnerable, resulting and a stronger connection and bond. And also a result of me coming to better acknowledgement of my sexuality, has made me a more true version of myself, so it allows me to have greater openness and. vulnerability with my partner.

    It's hard to know how much each of these things plays into the connection we have. I do think that there is something very valuable about the commonalities between partners that make partners more in tune with eachother in gay relationships though. It all probably plays a part.
     
  4. Tomás1

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    I get that you're in love … that's wonderful! It may have given a pink tint to your views … & how special … or even better gay relationships are than straight relationships. That sounds true of your current relationship, compared to your past straight relationships. Congratulations!

    Yet in the field of all potentials, I think it's most realistic to leave room for straight relationships than can be as deep & loving as yours is.
     
  5. Creativemind

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    I find that there are pros and cons to same-sex relationships. There are situations where I think my relationships feel better off than straight people, and other situations where I feel that I envy straight people for not having to put up with half the crap I do.

    The things I like most about same-sex relationships are:
    - No dumb gender roles. I hate feeling like I have to shave everything or wear certain clothing for a guy who literally puts zero effort in appearance. Women will either let your appearance slide, or they will do the same thing they ask of you.
    - I have higher self esteem than most straight women, despite being overweight and not conventionally attractive. Since women have varied physical preferences, It's easier to get a date.
    - Sex is better. Straight people define sex as intercourse only- boring and puts too much pressure to perform. I like knowing that sex is anything I feel like doing.
    - I'm childfree, so It's nice to not have to worry about any accidents occurring.

    On the other hand, despite being a woman, I also have very low empathy levels, so your first paragraph is the hardest for me. A lot of women are emotional and want validation, and it is hard to prevent myself from telling her that she is over reacting or dumping too much crap on me. It's harsh, but not every woman is an empathetic nurturer, and some men are more sensitive and empathetic to their girlfriends than a woman would be. Then again, I come from a large line of family and friends full of unempathetic women, but it doesn't bother me because it is my norm. The only other thing I dislike is the bad dating pool- way too many people looking for experimentation and threesomes that aren't even gay.

    So definitely pros and cons, but It's easy to see that same-sex relationships are better if we're gay because...we're gay. A straight person wouldn't see it that way, I suppose.
     
  6. baristajedi

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    I don't doubt that straight relationships can be just as deep and loving as gay ones; my initial post was meant more to be speculation about some differences between straight and gay relationship dynamics. In my case, what I'm commenting on may make it seem I see gay relationships as better.... well, probably because it's certainly better for me :slight_smile: but I'm not really trying to say one is better than the other, simply that they inherently allow for different relationship dynamics.
     
    #6 baristajedi, Jun 26, 2017
    Last edited: Jun 26, 2017
  7. baristajedi

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    I can imagine the cons you've mentioned in terms of dating. I've not been in the gay dating world long enough to make that observation though.

    I also understand your experience in being less empathetic and having to fill a woman's emotional needs. There are definitely things that are very individual to us as people with our own needs and relationship style. In my case, i'm so refreshed to be with someone emotional, I love being able to give that kind of emotional fulfilment and (finally) getting it in return.
     
    #7 baristajedi, Jun 26, 2017
    Last edited: Jun 26, 2017
  8. looking for me

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    ive only been with my ex in a hetro relationship, but thinking off the top of my head could it have a better persective because now your comfortable with yourself, and your sexuality where you were not before? i find myself looking at life in general with a fresher view since becoming comfortable with my sexuality and now my gender.