HI! So i have been an out and proud lesbian for three years now (I'm 19 almost 20 ). At first when I was coming to terms with my sexuality I identified as bisexual. I identified as this because I was coming from a background of dating boys, and being in some serious relationships with them (but how serious can it be when you are in high school?) eventually I realized I had a much stronger attraction to women, and just out of convenience when people asked if I was a lesbian I said yes because I had no plans on ever dating a man again and it was just easier than saying I didn't know for sure of what I identified as. This was all in high school, and when I went to college my lesbian identity was a part of me now. Fast forward to a few months ago. I had know this at the time lesbian named ashley from the gay group on campus who i was attracted to. I did not however start dating this person when they still identified as a woman. When i started dating my now boyfriend, I knew he was transitioning and on T. He is the farthest thing from a woman, and yet I still entered a relationship knowing he is a man and me still identifying as a lesbian. Now in my personal opinion, labels are just things used to find community and explain observable traits to others. I believe most things are social constructs, and I believe gender and sexulity are dictated by arbitrary groupings of characteristics. This being said, i don't want to give up the lesbian label. some gay friends of mine told me just to identify as queer or bi, and i understand that these labels probably more accurately describe my sexuality, but i just feel like i'm regressing back to a place i was in in high school. I love my boyfriend and he loves me. He says he doesn't care what I identify as as long as i love him, but i'm just worried I will never feel satisfied dating a man long term, especially one who is so traditionally masculine. At times i find myself missing women, but i feel guilty because i really am in love with my boyfriend. I guess the real thing I miss is feeling like i was part of the gay community. When i was dating women there was no dispute i was gay, but now i just feel like a straight girlfriend who doesn't belong in LGBTQ spaces anymore. I just am really confused, and any personal experiences or advice would be greatly appreciated Thanks
I'm no expert, I'm the furthest thing from it, But as you said,labels are just ways for humans to put into simpler terms the traits which describe others. But at the same time, a label shouldn't define you. You should define the label. You can keep calling yourself a lesbian and date your boyfriend. It's all in how you see yourself, and what you're comfortable calling yourself. Or at least, this is how i view it. You don't fit into the label of your traditional lesbian, but i beleive you can call yourself whatever you want. The fact you feel like a straight woman is an issue i can't help you with, but i do hope this at least helps you feel a bit better about it. If i wasn't much of a help, i'm sorry.
While I do not condone identity policing, I would encourage you to think critically about what your definition of a lesbian is and compare that to your current relationship dynamic. I am a kinsey 5 and some people might be inclined to label me as bisexual, but I say I am a lesbian because that is how I personally feel; but I am learning to be frank about any inclinations I've had towards men in the past in queer spaces as to not invalidate the struggles of many other lesbians who struggle with harmful stereotypes ("all lesbians just need to find the right guy"). Sometimes I do say I'm bi in these situations, even if I do not feel that way personally - It is a politically influenced decision to avoid perpetuating negativity. Or I'll say, "mostly gay," even though I feel hellaaaaa gay, and hella not-bi.
hi Domisomido , Could you possibly think of this as a mixed orientation realtionship , as you both of you have feelings and have been open with each other from the start.
