There are so many of us here on EC, especially in this forum, who have hidden their true self for years and often don't think that anything will ever change....THIS POST IS FOR YOU! I am 66 and I hid in my prison closet for over 55 years. I intended to take the secret to my grave without ever telling anyone that I was gay. And things changed.... With the help of so many folks here on emptyclosets and the guidance and faith of an incredible counselor/therapist I have been able to accept myself. I often refer to the "monster that lived in the back of my head telling me that I should not have been born, that I was a mistake...that I was an abomination". Well, that monster is dead. I am gay and I smile when I say that, sometimes I say it just so I can hear myself! As I began to understand myself, I had a period when I felt cheated by society. There were so many things that I missed, that I felt were taken from me because I was so scared to come out when I was younger. I had never even put my arm around a man that I liked, I had never held a man's hand while walking down the street, I had never kissed a man, I had never gone to a gay bar. There was so much....and things changed..... On Monday evening of this week...it happened. I did not plan it, it just happened. I went to a gay bar, I met so many wonderful people. They accepted me on the spot, and face it...I'm not "fresh meat" anymore! I put my arm around him and he put his arm around my waist. We smiled at each other. Later we walked down the street for several blocks...HOLDING HANDS...I cried and told him why. He stop right there on the street, hugged me and kissed me....I cried harder. I took him home and we got out of the car and hugged once more and this time I kissed him. I got in the car...and cried. I'm crying now. Things that I thought would never, never happen DID. I will never, ever forget Monday night as long as I live. If I never hold another man's hand or kiss another man, my dream has still been fulfilled. My tears are tears of joy. I so hope that those of you who feel so trapped, who think that there is no hope will understand that I felt that way too AND THINGS CHANGED.....David
That is such a beautiful thing. I can feel your happiness just reading the words. Thank you for sharing. I'm in limbo at the moment after coming out a few weeks ago, there's a lot of pain and uncertainty surrounding me but I need to keep moving forward. EC has been such a huge support.
Beautiful... Yesterday gave me hope. My wife finally understands that I am gay. She even said, though she is hurt, she feels bad about what I am going through, and she wants to stay together. I am not sure we can, but I am going to try, even at the cost of delaying what you just experienced.
What a lovely story.. Gives hope to the rest of us in a similar closeted position who can see very few positives for the future.
Thank you so much to those that have read and to those who have replied to my post. I wanted to share my happiness, excitement and astonishment with everyone here on EC. Emptyclosets literally held me together for the first 9 months or so after I came out. I'm not sure what I would have done without all the incredible people here. I hope that my story has given hope and encouragement to so many folks here who I know feel as I did for so long. You are not broken, you are not a mistake. You are as you were meant to be. Sometimes the way out of our guilt and shame is not to difficult to find....sometimes we end up going through hell before we can find peace. I just want those of you who are still struggling to know that you can do it, you can find your way out. It may be difficult, you may have to do or try things that you have never done before....but you can do it. I did.....David
