Hi. I'm a twenty-two year guy and to give some context, I've felt unsure about myself for a while. I also have a history of generalized anxiety. For a while, I've been wrestling with the concept of being not a heterosexual. I have concerns that I am, despite my past experiences and I'm faking to be gay to be unique because I dislike the idea of being like everyone else and I'm just seeking attention. While I have fantasies that aren't of men nor of women, but of intersex people. I frankly find breasts to be offputting and a lot of feminine things as well, like lips and makeup. I just don't see myself with a woman, because I just can't. I had a few relationships with men that have ultimately failed and well, it made me doubt myself. I've also encountered homophobia while I was out of my home state and I started to feel depressed that I wasn't like everyone. I know everyone has that, but, I feel inferior and I dislike that. I know consciously on a level, that being a male and homosexual doesn't make you effeminate or a sex-crazed maniac. That and my interactions with people have made people assume I was straight and I get angry because I guess I don't act gay enough, since I tend towards a choleric personality, since I like to be the lead in my relationships and apparently gay=/=dominance. I also hate that I have to be uncertain myself and try to prove myself to be something and doesn't ever fit. I feel angry. I just want some certainty about myself for once.
I mainly have male friends, and mostly, I tend to avert my gaze from people. Though I look at guys I noticed, though lately, my passions have died down a bit to the point I feel like I cannot be attracted to just anyone anymore.
I'm not neccessarily talking about your friends though because I've never been attracted to my friends. I mean just random people or celebrities. Why do you think you have been averting your gaze?
I don't pay attention to celebrities or random people. When I do, I tend to focus on men, especially if they have beards.
I don't know, I've been around homophobes for a bit and ironically, encountered homophobia from a person who's also gay.
