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Heartbreak & Text Messages (help!)

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Rana, Jun 24, 2017.

  1. Rana

    Rana Guest

    Friends,
    I apologize in advance for this long thread post. I really really could use some feedback on this.

    Oh how the mighty have fallen. I felt mighty the past week as the lady I was conversing with (mostly over text which I hate) finally seemed like she was totally interested in me. I hate to say it, but I was starting to really like her, and our conversations were lovely and interesting. This is a saga that started with hot, then cold, then mixed signals, then seemed like things were fizzling, then she started initiating conversation again, etc.

    In the past week, things had been really good. We've had really deep conversations, with both of us telling each other some of the most personal details of our lives....family, childhood, relationship stuff, life hopes, dreams, etc. I was feeling good, and we were planning on meeting for stuff (she invited me to some upcoming stuff, and I reciprocated). And then today (early this evening)...heartbreak.

    She accidentally texted me something meant for someone else...it was the remnants of another conversation where she was just saying she had to be at such and such place and asked the person if they could speak later that night after a certain time or tomorrow. Now, I have no problem with the content of this text itself. I didn't know who the person was but I thought, worse case scenario, it's another girl she's interested in. This alone was not enough to hurt me because we're not exclusively dating or anything and still in the "get to know you" stage...so I don't expect to be the only girl she's speaking with (really, I'm a grown up, and I'm realistic).

    I responded by letting her know that I got the message and I was going to assume it was for someone else. She replied by saying yes it was and apologized for the mistake. So far so good right? I was still okay at this point...no harm, no foul. Then she digs herself into a hole of dishonesty and breaks my heart in the process.

    She quickly wrote a long text (mostly rambling) about how someone was rude to her so she was upset, she was crying, her eyes got blurry, she didn't see who she was texting, her neighbors are bothering her, she was having a bad week....I mean it was an obvious bullsh*t rant that was unnecessary and sad. Then she says "later?" (as in can we speak later). Followed by "I prefer talking to you than the other person. By far."

    By the way, the erroneous text was not at all the words of someone upset or hurt or crying...it was kind of cheerful...it was all about how she was going to hear live music at some place and scheduling a time to speak with this other person after her outing.

    Now friends, I'm not in any way saying that people don't have the right to get to know several people at the same time for the purpose of dating. I'm also not delusional in thinking that I and this woman have reached any level where she would owe me any deference. My personal style is getting to know people one by one, but I don't think this is the way it should be for everyone, so the mere fact that she is speaking to another potential love interest is not at all the issue.

    But the way she rambled on and tried to lay on the bullsh*t afterwards was much more "revealing" about what was going on. It was long, irrelevant, slightly incoherent, seemingly nervous, and unnecessary. When people try too hard to cover their tracks by laying it on thick, it makes them seem guilty and makes me think there was something there to be guilty about.

    And before you think she was telling me the truth about "preferring" to speak to me (first of all, who says something like that?), consider this...one of the problems that I've had with this lady was all the mixed signals, hot/cold, texting at random times, and she has never planned a time to speak with me as she was doing so eloquently with the other person. You have to trust me on this...there has been nothing in her behavior that would make me think she prefers me over anyone or even wants to invest any time to spend with me...quite the opposite actually...only in the last week did I get a sense that there was a slight (and I really mean slight) bit of interest on her part. And even in her last rant...I find it revealing that her idea of planning time to speak with me was "later?" whereas she was scheduling in the other person a very specific time...this shows me that the other person's time is more valuable to my friend than my time (translation...the other person is more of a priority than me....so much for "preferring" to speak with me).

    Oh but the fun doesn't end there folks...I responded to her. After hearing her BS, I felt insulted. I felt that she was insulting my intelligence with that nonsense (really it would have been better if she gave no explanation at all than lie to me like I'm a child).

    I responded by saying specifically:
    "You don't have to explain your life to me. And you certainly don't have to tell me you prefer speaking to me. I don't have an ego to stroke."

    Her quick response: "Ok."

    WTF? "Ok?" Well I guess it's short and sweet. Folks, I know all of this seems trite, and maybe it is. But the fact of the matter is...there was something about this person that I was starting to really like...and I wanted to get to know her better (i.e. less text which I hate, and more meetups). To add insult to injury, the past week felt like thinks were going in the right direction and I had (dare I say it) hope. Yup, I dared to give myself the hope of some shred of happiness, no matter how trite.

    And now, I'm heartbroken that she lied to me. And I'm heartbroken that I can't trust her anymore (even if she does make things right which she obviously has no intention of doing). Trust is so hard to build and takes a second to shatter. I'm also heartbroken that I saw the difference in respect that she was capable of giving to someone else...having the respect to plan a simple time to speak around the other person's schedule whereas with me it's always "later?" (as in, whenever is convenient for herself I guess). I'm heartbroken and it sucks. I feel stupid. :disappointed:
     
    #1 Rana, Jun 24, 2017
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 25, 2017
  2. LostInDaydreams

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    I'm sorry you're feeling this way.

    I don't think I know the full story. Have you posted about her before? How long have you known her? Have you met up before?

    I'm no expert, but if you're feeling that she's messing you about and you're still mostly communicating by text, rather than meeting each other, then it might be a lucky escape. I'm sure that doesn't help how you're feeling now. You've not been stupid. How could you have known what was going to happen?

    *hugs*
     
  3. Rana

    Rana Guest

    Hello Lost,
    Thanks for the response. No I haven't really posted in detail about her. We were planning on meeting up (she had invited me to a party and to her place, and I invited her to hang out). We were conversing for about 4 weeks. I was finally getting the sense from her that she was interested in me. Do you think my response was harsh? I really felt insulted when she sent me something that shows she clearly has more women she's currently "courting" and then says something like "I prefer to speak with you." I mean, come on. And then what is that response from her, "Ok"...ok what?
    Bizarre. I don't know if I'm lucky. Just know I feel dumb. :frowning2:
     
  4. LostInDaydreams

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    You're not dumb, you just showed an interest in someone and it didn't work out. It's understandable that you're feeling upset.

    To be honest, I'm not the type to chat to several potential dates at once either, but if she is, then her perspective on it might be different. Do you know that the other person was a potential date and not just an long standing friend or something?
     
  5. Rana

    Rana Guest

    Honestly,
    It wasn't really that she was talking with others. Like I said, we weren't exclusive or anything.
    It was the long rambling excuse-filled lie that followed, including saying "but I prefer speaking with you" that hurt me because it was dishonest.
    Dishonesty hurts. The truth I can handle.
     
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  6. I am here

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    Oh Rana, I'm sorry! I understand you feel stupid, but you're not. Not at all. You let yourself develop feelings for someone that you shared personal things with, and had those personal things reciprocated. Anybody would have allowed themselves hope in this situation, you weren't to know she was talking to someone else. While i understand that's not the issue (although I too only talk to one person at a time), you were given an insight to the tone of their conversations and you realised you are not treated the same, and that's got to really hurt.
    I totally understand how the overcompensation on her part is just insulting but maybe this insight was a good thing? It's made you aware of how she is to an extent and how you don't want to be treated?
    I know it doesn't matter right now though, you feel like shit, you feel heartbroken and it's not bloody fair. I feel terrible for you. I really hope you're hanging in there?
     
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  7. Rana

    Rana Guest

    Hello Iamhere,
    I think you've understood exactly the reason for my heartbreak. You are perfectly on point as to why this hurts...being treated differently, of lesser value, and then being told such obvious falsities as if you're a child. Dishonesty is a blow to one's dignity.

    Well today was horrible. I had a knotted feeling in my stomach.
    I don't really know why I'm so sad.
    Perhaps it was the dream of happiness. I'll deal with it but I can't lie, this really hurt my feelings.

    Thanks for your kind words.
     
    #7 Rana, Jun 25, 2017
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 25, 2017
  8. Moonsparkle

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    Rana--UGH! So many issues with texting (wrong text to wrong person being one!). And then the trying to interpret comments such as 'ok'. In regular conversation 'ok' seems normal--in text it sometimes seems so, IDK rude? Not always, but dependent on the conversation it can seem that way. But at least it wasn't --the one letter 'K' (even worse)! I do think its odd she felt the need to go on with this long explanation of the wrong text. Like until that point who knew if it was meant for her brother, or cousin, or whatever. After the 'explanation' she did make it worse, making it seem like she has something to hide. I get everything you are saying, it wasnt about her talking with others at all...but rather about this attempt at a sort of (weird) explanation.

    For now I would just leave the OK right where it is. I wouldn't initiate anymore contact. It's not wrong to have feelings for someone and to start hoping for more...and on her end it sounds as though she was sending you some mixed signals too. We have all had high hopes--and sometimes nothing materializes and it feels so crushing! But actually maybe its kind of good-this wrong text and all. Sort of showed you the type of person she's is. She may initiate contact-but I agree you two have to get off the texting hamster wheel and meet in real life (if you still want to pursue things with her.) Hang in there Rana, I know this is hard---been there done that--(at least a few times!)
     
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  9. Rana

    Rana Guest

    Thank you Moonsparkle,

    The texting hamster wheel is indeed stupid beyond measure.
    I'm definitely not contacting her after that overcompensation dishonesty that I received, followed by a heartless "ok," whatever that means.
    I say heartless because after all the talk and intimate details of our lives that we both shared with each other, I think anyone with a human heart would have at least responded with more than "ok."

    I don't get people anymore...how they don't get that there's an actual human being on the other end of the line with a pulse and feelings.
     
  10. I am here

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    You will deal with it but it doesn't mean you shouldn't be sad or feel what you're feeling right now. What you're feeling is valid and i think anyone in your situation would feel the same. Take the time you need to be angry, sad, heartbroken etc, it was a huge blow for you and I'm so sorry.

    I hate that you've been left to feel that you're of lesser value, i can tell you straight up that it's not true, just from what I've seen around the boards, you're a kind and lovely person!
     
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  11. Rana

    Rana Guest

    Thank you. That's kind of you to say.
     
  12. silverhalo

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    Hey please don't be too hard on yourself you did nothing wrong. I totally get it hurts right now but if she is going to be that kind of person then like someone else has said it was a lucky escape. Rather find out now than alter you have put even more time and effort into her. You deserve more than her and in time you will see this was a good thing. (*hug*)
     
  13. Rana

    Rana Guest

    Thanks silverhalo, for your words and hugs.
     
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  14. Rana

    Rana Guest

    Update:
    Today she's attempting to communicate just a little by social media (which she never does with me). What's that all about?
    It's not even a direct messages but little friendly or nonchalant comments for me here and there.

    Ugh! Why can't people be courageous and just deal with others truthfully for better or worse? Honesty and integrity takes courage.
    The truth might hurt but it allows a person to heal and grow. Dishonesty is like a cancer for one's soul.

    So the lesson is, be kind but also be truthful to fellow human beings regardless of whether they are important to you. They're still flesh and blood deserving the respect of being dealt with in an honest way.

    ❤️❤️❤️
     
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  15. silverhalo

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    I'm sorry Rana. What are you going to do?
     
  16. Rana

    Rana Guest

    Hi Silverhalo,

    I really don't know what to do. A friend of mine who saw the texts we sent back and forth says my response to her was too harsh.
    Meaning that I should have just been chill and said "it's okay" and be done with it. Instead, the tone of my text sounded like I was upset which I totally was when I wrote it. My friend says it sounded harsh to tell her "You don't have to say you prefer speaking to me" and "I don't have an ego to stroke." I don't really know. That is really just how I felt in the moment and wanted to call her out on it to let her know she shouldn't bullsh*t people.
    I felt disrespected and taken for a fool so my text sounds angry I think (which is what I felt).

    I don't know what I should do now. Should I respond to her comments on social media? I think she's trying to open up communications with me but she's too afraid to text me directly. This is so silly. I don't know how or even IF I should respond really. Do we believe in second chances? Or do we believe people don't change and we should cast them off? Seriously, I'm too old for this crap. LOL. ♥
     
  17. RJay

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    Wow... that is just totally shitty of her. The whole thing. I'm sorry you feel so hurt, but I totally get it! ***HUGS***
     
  18. silverhalo

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    Well, it's your call and I think it probably has to be based on everything that has gone so far and how much you like her and how much more of your time you think she is worth.
    I wouldn't have sent the text you did, I think they probably did come across as harsh but just because I wouldn't send them doesn't mean you are in the wrong. I do believe in honesty but I do think sometimes you have to be careful over text. I think for me I would have been inclined to let her try and explain but i would also say I'm probably a soft touch. She didn't have to say what she said and maybe you are right in what you read into it. Maybe you have to decide whether there is any chance that there is a more honest explanation. I do believe in second chances. Maybe it is worth reopening communication and seeing if anything changes I mean Shen obviously likes you enough to try and get back in contact?
     
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  19. Rana

    Rana Guest

    Thanks for your honesty Silverhalo. I know what you mean. There should have been a better way for me to address what I felt was her blowing smoke up my a**. I'm hot tempered, so I need to learn to not immediately respond but cool off a bit. I would have conveyed the same content but in a more tactful way. I suck, what can I say?:unamused:
     
  20. Really

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    You don't suck. Written communication pales in comparison to live communication. There is no tone of voice, intonation, facial expression, anything that we, as humans, use to read the meaning of what people are saying to us. I can't remember, have you met in person? Would you like to move forward with her if she does, too? You could suggest meeting and just clear the air. Who knows? She may have misunderstood your feelings when she gave her rambling response and probably would like a do-over too, if possible.
     
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