Growing up I didn't have much of a concept of gender. I saw myself as a girl because that's what I was told I was and socialized to be. I felt very uncomfortable with femininity though and steered far away from it. This had a lot to do with internalized misogyny. I didn't want to be a boy or feel connected to masculinity at all though. It's more like I felt like nothing, and wanted to be nothing. I didn't think about it like that then, but now that I know more about gender and look back, that's the way I felt. Now that I've worked through that internalized misogyny I feel more comfortable with femininity. I associate with femininity in some ways even though I present myself more androgynously. I relate to it and to women in a way I don't relate to masculinity and men. But at the same time there's a disconnect. I don't feel like I completely belong in groups of women. Almost like I'm an alien in disguise. Kind of an exaggeration but that's the best way I can think to explain it. I used to think it was because I couldn't fully relate to straight women since I'm not straight. Then I spent more time around queer women and I still felt that same disconnection. It's that same sort of I feel like nothing I felt as a kid without realizing it. I've been exploring that part of myself lately and reading about being agender. That really, really fits the part of me that doesn't feel female or male, or anything really. But I still do feel female and connected to femininity to an extent. As an example, the other day when someone referred to me as a woman there was a feeling of "yes... BUT." Like it was only a partial truth. If I had to put it in terms of percentages I'd say 60% female, 40% agender. Or even 70/30 on some days. Does that make sense? Is it possible? Can someone have a gender but be agender at the same time? Sorry if I rambled on too much or didn't express myself clearly here. I'm still new to talking about this kind of stuff. I do have some other questions, but I think this is good enough and more than long enough to start with. Thanks for reading!
Yep! There's actually a term for this: demigirl. Demi = feeling partially associated to a gender, but mostly neither/something else. I personally use the term nonbinary or agender most of the time to describe myself, but sometimes I feel a connection to being a boy as welost, so I could also use the term demiboy to describe that.
Thanks for the reply! After reading a bit more demigirl does seem to fit really well. My only problem is wondering if I'm making this up. I was gaslit for pretty much all of the first two decades of my life and I still struggle with trusting my own thoughts and feelings. There are times when I wonder if this is just OCD. Even though I've never been diagnosed, and only exhibit what could be considered borderline OCD tendencies when I'm experiencing high levels of anxiety. And I really don't feel anxious about this. I'd just like to know myself better. If I discover I really am nonbinary then I'd probably be a bit anxious just because I'm not sure how well people in my life would react. Which is probably why I'm doubting something I feel is right deep down, now that I think about it. I also don't want to claim to be something and then end up being wrong. I don't want to validate the myth that trans people, whether binary or nonbinary, are confused, faking, trying to be "trendy", looking for attention, or going through a phase, ect. I know no one but me can tell me for sure what I am, so I guess what I'd like to know is how other people knew for certain what they were?
It's okay, I have generalized anxiety disorder too and was abused a fair amount by a parent who guilt tripped and blamed me for my own negative feelings a lot during my teenage years. I've had periods of time where I thought I might be OCD too... where I thought I had pretty much every personality disorder, had aspergers, took online tests obsessively to figure out what was wrong with me, etc... I was told by a therapist that it's a fairly common trait for someone who fixates deeply due to their anxiety to wonder if they have lots of things wrong with them, especially in people who were previously abused to doubt their own feelings. We're used to having to quickly over-analyze situations in order to keep ourselves safe from our abusers, so we often take things to lengthy ends if we're feeling insecure and just need to be told that it's okay to let our own feelings out and validate them while they exist. I wasn't sure about my identity when I first came out to myself either. I thought maybe just having days where I felt more masculine and dissociated from other girls and then days where I was fine was normal. I was convinced that growing up and wanting to fit into gender roles was sort of just a big joke that everyone played along with because that was how society worked, I didn't think there were people who were actually enjoying themselves and being themselves doing it because I'd always felt so estranged from myself naturally. Then I figured it must not be normal if I was feeling so negatively about it often enough. It's taken a lot, it's been two years since I first started questioning, and I think all I can say is that the most helpful thing you can do is just give yourself time to come to terms with your emotions as they come up, learn to recognize them and learn your patterns. I think no matter how you feel in the end, you're valid for questioning and having these feelings and being true to yourself would never perpetuate the stigma that nonbinary trans people are just confused or trendy. We're here to help those who have similar feelings, and that is all. You're not a bad person for wanting to figure out why you feel the way you do and questioning and learning to accept your feelings. One thing that helped me in the beginning was I kept a log every day of how I was feeling... more masculine, more feminine, if I felt bad or good being addressed as a boy or a girl, or if I just felt indifferent or neutral, etc.... so that I could learn that I didn't always feel like a girl, and there were days when I preferred otherwise and it showed over time,that was proof for me. Also, in the beginning, I just took things slow and tentatively. 2 years ago I identified more with demigirl, because girl is how I was raised and what I was used to and I was sort of scared to leave that. Now I'd say I identify strongly as agender or demiboy, and that just came with slowly learning my feelings over time. So it's okay and normal to doubt yourself or be insecure from time to time, but don't think you're bad or invalid for this! It's all just a process and everyone is somewhere along the way.
Reading this has been so helpful. Coming to terms with and accepting my sexuality took a long time, and it took even more time to feel comfortable enough to come out. It's silly to think this won't take a bit of time too. I'll have to start cutting myself a little slack, try to be patient. Keeping a log is a great suggestion too. I've been keeping mental notes, but those can get hazy over time. I think I'll start keeping a journal. Seeing things clearly and firmly written out will hopefully make it easier to trust myself. Thank you so much
Glad I could help! Thank you for being so open and genuine. Feel free to message me anytime once you're a full member, or just share notes to my profile wall if you ever need any kind of input again since we have somewhat similar upbringings coming into our self discovery. Good luck!
