Accepting that I just don't know...

I totally get your situation and this is pretty much where I am at. I am realizing there are a lot of other reasons for my discontent than my sexuality alone. My husband has been working and traveling a ton, we never have the deep conversations and emotional passionate connection I crave, I have been staying at home with my daughter for the last two years.... I have lost sense of who I am. I know that something has to change. If my husband and I are going to work, we need to open up our relationship (emotionally not sexually..for now lol) and dig deeper. Meanwhile I am recognizing I definitely have an attraction to women and I am at least somewhere on the spectrum, possibly leaning towards lesbian.

I opened up to my husband last night that I am still battling with this and that I am concerned he is in denial as he has been so happy and normal. He handled it well and is more grounded than last time we talked. Just telling him how I felt and having him on the same page as me eased a huge burden and actually made me feel more connected and loving to him than I have felt in a long time.

Each day is different for me. But I want to try and fix myself and my obvious current unhappiness by doing things I love and fulfilling that emotional spiritual side I am craving. If after working on myself and my relationship with my husband still leaves me thinking I need to leave to be with a woman, well then I am not afraid to live my authentic life.

Sorry for my long reply! I completely get where you're at. It's hard to know if I would truly be happier leaving my current life to pursue this other side.. or if I need to work on happiness with right where I'm at.

 

I completely agree that it gets worse when it's all in your own head. As soon as he acted like everything was back to normal and obviously convinced himself I was "fine", I got so terribly depressed and felt isolated in my thoughts. However when I first told him I had never seen him such a wreck and hopeless, and that made me feel trapped. I prayed crying (I'm not religious and rarely do), and I felt suddenly peace that he would be okay. I realized I was so depressed at first when I thought he truly would not be okay.

Even last night when I told him that experience, he admitted that he would be fine and eventually move on. Knowing that you're not trapped and that your husband's and your life will go on if you were to leave suddenly makes it a choice. If you feel trapped you will be miserable. I'm speaking to myself too I now can see clearly that although a rough transition, we both would find happiness. Knowing this puts my current life in perspective and allows me to choose to either stay and work on things or go.

I do suggest communicating as much as you can. Otherwise you will feel so isolated and unhappy.

 

I understand. I feel so many of these things too. The chicken and egg situation regarding marital discontent and disconnect and serious questions around sexuality. And you know. the way it feels to me right now, it's really hard to see myself in a relationship with either a man or a woman in the future. Maybe I'm not cut out for relationships of the intimate kind...

 

Yes to all of this! I think sometimes I just want to be alone for a while

Does anyone else feel less gay around their family and then as soon as they get alone it hits you so hard? It's like my husband is an anesthetic and as soon as I have some space, it's all I can think about and it feels so crushing.

 

Yes, around my family of origin a voice in my head says "I can't be gay. I am not gay. I don't want to be gay. This is nonsense. I just made it up". Sometimes I want so badly to be straight and for all this to go away - for the sake of my little family - that when I am by myself the voice says "If it took you this long to see this in yourself, maybe it's not all the significant. Your catalyst was a one off, otherwise you would've fallen in love with a female friend long ago". Then I remember the physically attractive women I have felt drawn towards, but remind myself that I notice some men too - seemingly never as many as the typical woman, though, and apparently often not the ones that straight women notice. However, it seems I always notice a pretty woman in the room...I also remember back to a man I was attracted to some years ago...an osteopath with wonderfully healing hands and interesting conversation....I am so NOT black and white...shades of grey, shades of gay. And just when I'm feeling better about her (or at least calm and resigned) I have a half-waking dream in the small hours in which I am reminded how much I wanted to "make love" to her in such an active way (a revelation to me) - I have always let it happen to me (and "it" was "sex") with a man. Perhaps it's the feelings for her that I can't seem to let go of, rather than her herself....

 

Wow- that's some serious food for thought.

 

This is exactly my thoughts and fear. I tell myself that I must just be bored or craving something novel and exciting, and what's more different than wanting the same sex..? I worry I'm just seeing the grass greener.

My mom had an affair years ago and desperately wanted to leave my dad due to being unhappy and unfulfilled. My dad stayed and waited and she eventually realized all she wanted was him. She still is in love with him today. So she's been comparing her situation to mind and keeps telling me I just need to find happiness where I'm at. I tell her it's different. But then I wonder if it really is.

 

In the same vein though do you think your mothers experience is fuelling your fears?

 

Very good point Silverhalo. Yes I do think it is influencing me a lot. Like I feel like marriages are for fighting for and choosing anything else is giving up. I'm sure I have further "issues" regarding all of this. Messed me up as a teenager going through it.

 

Are you seeing a professional?

Had you ever questioned your sexuality previously?

 

I just started seeing someone who is focused on lgbtq issues. Hoping it will help. Yes I questioned my sexuality 10 years ago when I started having feelings for a friend.

 

So what is it now that makes you think you are just yearning change?

 

I guess I wonder if I'm just "on the spectrum" and need to re-find love and attraction towards my husband. I haven't accepted not being attracted to men at all. I *have* in the past, but don't think as frequently as women. I'm scraping up any possibility of finding that love and desire again as my family is what is most important to me and my husband is my close friend. I wonder if I'm just questioning my sexually while also being bored and unhappy for other reasons. Who knows though. Hoping the truth will reveal soon.

 

So you are saying you have experienced male attraction before but not as much as female attraction?

Did you have attraction for your husband to begin with?

Are the issues with your relationship all connected to your sexuality questioning or are there other issues?

 

Yes I have experienced it, but not nearly as intensely as I've been attracted to women. The attraction to my husband as very mild and comfortable. Never intense and I really only wanted sex in the very beginning.

All of this uncertainty has brought up other issues that I didn't really realize we're there. I realize our relationship is more superficial and not as deep and emotionally connected as I want.

 

LostInDayDreams, sorry to hikack your thread! It's nice to know there are so many going through the same thing.

 

It can be hard to separate issues steaming from confusion and processing sexuality and dissatisfaction in a current relationship. I'm struggling with that too. Although at some point they are related or intersect