My story is a bit confusing but years of over thinking and over testing. I finally feel like I know who I am. And the help from you guys and gals of course. I knew since I was a kid that I loved females. I felt sexual attraction towards them. Me personally, I only feel romantic attraction towards those I am sexually attracted to, that's me maybe not you. I could always tell if guys are attractive, if they had boyish looks, manly looks, whatever, I could just tell they are good looking and if the ladies and or the men who swing way will find them sexy or whatever. But never developed crushes, sexual fantasies, or anything like that. Around my teen years I started to develop "feminine" likings. Interior design, hair, fashion, gardening, crap that people label feminine. I honestly like that, hell there was a time of my life that I really considered doing make up, not on me but on the ladies. Then I asked my self, am I gay? Nope. Years later, I was at a party when I first encountered gay guys. I was a homophobe at the time but I decided I need to grow up and be okay with this. Ironically this night was a bad night to do so haha I'm not a homophobe anymore though. Anyways, this bi guy wanted to calm me down because I got too drunk and I freak out when I do. So we went for a walk and talked. It was pleasant until he was weirding me out when he was trying to convince me that I was an oppressed homosexual and that I should consider experimenting. I disagreed and declined any advances but later on it got to me. I started to question my sexuality solely based on the stuff I like. Then I started to question myself on whether I find men attractive. Again, I could see that they are but Every time I imagined kissing them I just uncomfortable. Like, I don't fancy that. It doesn't make me happy. Then I started to look at gay porn. It didn't turn me on nor did I develop a "fetish" for it, as in I didn't start liking it after viewing it. But then I started to add physical stimulation. At first I would masturbat at porn that I enjoyed then look at gay porn to see if I go flaccid. And yes, most of the times I did. When I was really turned by nude women I switched and masturbated to gay porn. My penis felt very weird, a feeling I never felt before and only get when I do this but it felt like I wanted urinate or ejaculate but like it was forced. It felt very unwelcoming but felt so confused I forced myself to experiment this feeling and I did end up ejaculating. But felt disgusted, rather unsatisfying. There was some urine in my sperm which was weird. Since I have ocd I had to do it twice. Almost the same thing but before I finished I switched to a women. In my mind both times, I couldn't help but when I felt pleasure from the stimulation i would think of women. But forced myself to think "No you need to focus on this guys penis, or this gay sex, we'll masturbate to her later." After those two times, I couldn't let it go so I started to try to masturbate from being flaccid and go from there. I never got an erection. Sometimes a very small one at if at all but again I contribute that to me touching myself and or the fact i couldn't help but think of women sometimes. 4 years later, the present, I was still a bit insecure about it all but was happy living heterosexually. From the last episode, I just told my self that I wasn't happy thinking and testing if i was gay. No body could tell me what to do and I am not doing men. So I got over it. But I had went through a tough break up and was going through a lot of stuff. And I go through obsessions, as I recently was diagnosed with severe ocd. Anyways, I saw a good looking guy and my mind was like, you think he is good looking so that means you want to kiss him. Then it started all over. Again, I tried masterbating to gay porn and everything the exact same except I discovered that weird feeling that I get is of me being turned off because if I don't push myself too hard and continue to agitate it, I go flaccid. It pulses and goes soft, pulses and goes soft. And have this weird feeling in my butt but imagine that it's my prostate doing something . I don't feel this way about women porn. Lastly I tried a vibrator on my penis. Now that got me so confused. I end up getting erections no matter what I was looking at. I made myself ejaculate once to gay porn and the other times i get an erection or it did end up going soft but boy the vibrations felt great but felt weird because i was experimenting with gay porn. I was so confused because I still felt that I wasn't into gay porn or men in general. I didn't desire men at all but in my head I was like since I ejaculated that means I was getting off of gay porn. This was not the case. From you guys to other forums, from therapists to some research. I know that it was just the stimulation from the vibrator. Every time I tested with the vibrator I felt so uncomfortable thinking and looking at gay porn. I knew something wasn't right so the last few times I got an erection with the vibrator while looking at gay porn, I used my hand instead and I went completely flaccid. Then i switched my stuff and got hard immediately. This happened again and again and again. It's the vibrator that was giving me a reaction. When I had sex with my girl friend, she would try harder and harder and after I asked her why, she told me that I kept getting soft so she would do stuff harder and more sensual. When I masturbated to gay porn sometimes I moan and squirm because it was something I genuinely didn't enjoy. There were times that I cried. The whole time I wasnt trying to convince myself I was straight, I was convincing myself that I was gay or bi. I am okay with being gay because if I enjoy it I enjoy it. But I don't. I write this because I know there are a lot of people like me. So here are some guidelines I learned. And please correct me if I am wrong. 1. Whatever you think you are then you are until further notice. What I mean is don't come out to others until you come out to yourself. Other wise it would annoying and or confusing to others when you say oh nevermind I am this or that. 2. Don't do things you are not comfortable. Please don't. Self torture is not a mentally healthy thing to do. Trust me I know, I basically became invalid doing this my depression and anxiety almost killed me and ruined my life. 3. Porn is not a good, well not a great indicator of your sexuality. Basically whatever is your go to might be a indicator but there are a lot of factors involved as in if it turns you on because it's taboo, because it's something you never seen before, but if it is your go to then maybe it is something that you need to discover. 4. Sexual stimulation does not equal sexual orientation. Our bodies are designed to react to touch. A great example is with me and the vibrator. That is way too much stimulation for me to be turned off by. Have any of you guys had an awkward sensation when a cat walks on your groin, or get on a motorcycle? Because it's stimulating down there. When I get stimulated down there my go to is thinking of women. I force myself to think of men. Also, come on gay people have been known to have sex with women when they either haven't discovered themselves yet or are trying to hide it very well. Also, sad but to true, straight rape victims are known to orgasm despite not being gay or into the situation. My therapists kept pointing that out and research. 5. Think of who you actually fantasize about. Simple as that. 6. Lastly, to some people, anxiety is stimulant. Sometimes when I have anxiety, I have the urge to masturbate. Don't know why it became something that just happens. That being said it might add more to your confusion if you are anxious. When I don't touch myself and I try to think of gay sex and penis, I feel a sensation down there and for the longest time I thought it was arousal but never get an erection, my penis actually tucks into my body and when I touch it that feeling goes away. It's over thinking. It's OCD. It's your mind. It's groinal response, look it up. When I get turned on by my stuff, it feels like home. When I feel that sensation, it feels like I have a yeast infection. Yes I had a yeast infection on my penis. Don't torture yourself. If it feels like something you wouldn't do. Then don't push it. One last thing. I have read various places that if you had one to a few same sex events, that doesn't necessarily means anything unless you have deep rooted feelings and intentions to do it again. I don't remember as I kid o feel like I had at least one fantasy but after that trying to do it again was wording me out and never did it again but don't quiet remember. One thing I do remember was that as a kid I get turned on by the idea of nudity. If I saw a guy get nude in tv, I would imagine to be in that guys shoes and tell myself if I was naked like him I want to be naked in front of girls. Well that's my story. My struggle. My final conclusion. I'm straight. Maybe you are too maybe not. ---------- Post added 3rd Jun 2017 at 06:02 AM ---------- Oh when i had sex with my girlfriend, i was imagining that she was a guy or thiught of the gay porn i have seen. ---------- Post added 3rd Jun 2017 at 06:05 AM ---------- Thats why i was gping flaccid during sex
Erny … I've read this & some of your prior posts. My take away: - you're preoccupied w masturbation, porn, stimulation, fantasies, etc. I mean you're in your head about these things. Obviously you have the right to be in your head, it's a free country & all that … however it leads me to wonder: - what about real people, heart connections, intimacy? In your post above, it's mainly about u & your dick. Can u say something about your relationship experience w women & men … & any close friendships u have? U can stay home & masturbate to porn 24/7 … but you'd be missing out on love, being loved, expressing love & being close to others. - your title "I am straight" … I think "he doth protest too much". I don't think any 100% straight man would have any interest in being on EC.
I had wonderful relationships with women. Even if it was few. In real life, I have awesome friendships but always platonic. Never thinking hmmm. I could really fall for this guy. EC was for those who are confused? I ate up so much stereotypes and incorrect assumptions about being gay that I was driving myself insane. I have friends that I would take bullets for but I have no romantic or sexual interests for them. I love them as if brother or family. I have a girlfriend that I am so in love with.feelings and all. But yes, I did post a lot because I was so obsessed and confused. But I have figured it out.
You literally just explained my whole situation. Everything you said is me!!! What we are going through is obsessive thoughts over and over and testing whether or not we like it!!! I do suffer from OCD as well. And I know it's a compulsion. Erny you are awesome!!! Thank you so much for helping me through this. I have been going through this for the passed few years on and off. Thank you
I want a best friend like you: male, straight, into make-up & girly stuff, open minded. Too bad you guys are so few out there. If you don't see yourself being intimate with a male = you're not gay. Plain and simple. Intimacy is ALL what sexuality is.
Based on everything he wrote and his clear obsessions with, like you said, solely his masturbation experiences and the fear of being gay and needing to test only the stimulation, not the actual attraction, and it being most entirely negative experiences, it seems more like gay OCD, which is a real symptom/form of OCD since the anxiety of being gay is already somewhat of an obsessive idea in regular society, so I think its his anxiety that is driving him more to be here than any kind of attraction doubt. Yep ^ if OP needs any proof himself for his lack of gay attraction, I think it's the fact that he mentioned pretty much absolutely nothing about other men or men he interacted with, or desire to interact sexually with other men in real life. Also *coughs* I'm AFAB and have a straight identifying boyfriend who loves stuff like gardening, hair, design... to be fair tho, I'm a pretty androgynous thinker though due to my own gender, so I just attribute it to that. They really do exist though! Hahah..
I agree with most of your post, and I do think porn can definitely confuse things. I do think however, you can fantasize about stimulating things - and that is where it can get really confusing. I say this as a man who has accepted the fact that I am gay, and I actually love being gay. So if I went to straight forum I 'd no longer be gay? He said he was deeply confused about this and lot of people who come here are, especially if they've been watching too much porn.
Just look at the sheer quantity of straight guys coming here wondering about wether watching gay porn or enjoying to use a dildo makes them gay. Lots of people question their sexuality and that does include straight people.
I totally agree. Honestly when I came here I was hoping i was one of those guys. I took a three month break from porn and masturbation, but it became more and more obvious not only that I was gay, but that when I really faced it, I realized I wanted it. But lots of guys don't and are confused by the porn and everyone telling they're gay if they look at it. I think gay ocd is a real thing... i am just glad I don't have it and I'm actually gay
Ok, I feel like I need to reply to this, because I have severe OCD, and I can assure you just reading this one time, I think you're totally straight. And I think you're afraid of being gay, (which you are not, which is why your OCD is trying to tell you you are), and then you try to find rational real world examples to justify your perception. I'm bi, and always have been, so I really can't speak for any feelings of unnatraction toward genders, I like penis and vagina equally, I don't think I could choose between the two. However i know exactly what if feels like to have to justify an obsession. I was obsessed for years that I was going to be possessed by the devil. I swear it sounds crazy, but I was 12, 13 maybe and I guess my mom took me to church a little too much, because I had started having intrusive thoughts about scrupulous stuff aka, if you don't tap this tree three times the devil will possess you and more often than not I'd do it, I had really intricate mental rituals to ward off my intrusive thoughts, counting numbers and such. As a kid I'd have to stir my food in a certain way or it'd be "poisoned" and my mom would die (obviously not true but I was afraid mo mom would die and somehow my mind correlated counterclockwise stirring to being "safe"). Until I started developing more classic symptoms. I was suddenly aware of all the germs around me and couldn't touch doorknobs without having to wash my hands, or I'd totally freak out, or share pens or use if calculators was a trigger because of the numbers. Then I started to notice that I was washing my hands in the middle of the night, and leaving a room when someone coughed, and I was really afraid of incurable diseases like rabies. I took a bus ride once with a friend, and there was dead squirrel right where I had been standing, or so I had I thought. I had an intrusive thought that I'd get rabies, not make it to the hospital in time and die, so I haaaaad to leave my sandals at the bus stop because I was convinced I had stepped on the squirrel and had rabies on them. After that I finally researched OCD and told my therapist. She honestly didn't think I had it because I had hid it for so many years, and my compulsive behavior wasn't outward or visible for many years but, she immediately referred me to therapy and the specialist I saw was familiar with scrupulosity which I guess is a little more rare than classic obsessions like perfectionism or checking the stove and stuff. That was 7 years ago I believe and I've been mostly symptom free unless I've had a stressful day. But what I'm trying to say is, I don't think you should obsess over being gay. I was obsessed with some of the dumbest stuff, like the number six and the "right" number of times to tap a doorway as I entered a room or the probability of a virus in someone's sneeze. I don't give a crap about that stuff anymore and I don't think you should worry about being gay or straight. I've ever ever really doubted my sexuality, just more like uncovered and exposed my attractions. But I'm bi and everyone's sexuality is different. Makes sense to me that a straight dude would have rigid preferences and a body that responds. And don't worry about the vibrator for sure. Remember even rape victims can experience orgasm and NOT be into it at ALL.
Oh, and I don't know if your genitals are the best way to guage your attraction really, because our brains are funny and will make us feel a aroused at random times or to weird things, doesn't mean we are inherently attracted to that. Attraction in my opinion is a bit deeper; before you ever have sex or masturbate, you kind of have a ballpark goal in your mind as to what you like and don't like and want. And then you have sex, and that confirms or disproves if you really do enjoy it. One common issue with people with OCD is the fear of being attracted to children. It's true people are so afraid, they get therapy but it's just their brains. These people are NOT. In fact, they are SO sure they are not, their own mind doubts it (sucks to have OCD). They'll have intrusive thoughts or images of explicit stuff (people can have gory and really disturbing images too pop into their mind too). Most people with neurotipical minds don't really care, their minds are like wtf I'm straight or wtf I am not attracted to this and that and their mind is done with it. But in people with OCD we need rationalization. Kinda like tourettetes, an itch we have to scratch mentally. Did I check the stove? No??? Now I HAVE to check. Am I gay? Ok I HAVE to look to my body for rationalization that in fact I'm attracted to women. Which sounds wild to me because our genitals aren't perfect sometimes you'll get a boner looking at a page of math homework for no reason, idk. Doesn't mean you should go out trying to make sure every pice of homework makes you aroused. Just go with your heart not your body I guess. I'd be really surprised to see completely blind people from birth not know if they are gay or straight, because I've read articles that many do (and they can't watch porn to test their genitals). Idk just my two cents.
Thank you for the replies guys. All of you thank you. With all of this, it helps me even further. I wrote this to maybe be an example and hopefully help others like myself. With all of these other comments I am sure it will help others.
This is the last comment, I now come back and see if I have more replies to my posts. Again, I am for ever grateful to you guys and gals who has been there for me and people like me. That, you don't assume that people like me are a certain sexuality but help us either discover what we already know, in my case straight, or discover something about ourselves that we didn't know, in this case that I really had OCD and it really wasn't a scapegoat for me. ahaha This OCD was pushed further by one gay person getting mad at me for never hanging out with him or chatting with him before and told me that I am an obvious closet queen and that I need to experiment. Something in his voice sounded desperate, like he wasn't in a happy part of his life and wish that I can apologize for ever bothering him with my problem but remembering the day after asking for his advice, he kept bothering me and kind of yelling at me through text. At that moment, I knew that it wasn't a healthy choice to continue communication with this man. Anyways, I feel like I am back to my old self. Except, I am not homophobic anymore. The only thing that keeps me from completely coming back to normal is that as a straight person, is there anything that I can't do or things that men and women do as suppose as what straight and lgbtq people do are stereotypes and shouldn't let me stop from doing what I want? I have already been to the other forums and got an answer but I keep coming back to my posts and realize, wow, I have been obsessing over an idea that I know the answer to. I want to garden, I want to have an aquarium with pretty fishies. I don't want to be limited to what I can do just because I am straight. I guess, all those comments during school years got to me, as I have been very aware of being in touch with my feminine side, though, I never thought it had any correlation to my sexuality, or any body's sexuality as a matter of fact. I let myself get bother with what other people think. Despite knowing that that shouldn't be the case. Again, thank you. Much love.
