I love my boyfriend, but I want to cheat on him...

This may turn out to be a long story so please bare with and only comment if you're going to the read the entire thing.

Me and my current boyfriend have been in a relationship for the past 7 months, and up until now it's been great. About 6 months before we got into a relationship, we were 'talking/sleeping' with each other. I wanted us to progress into a relationship then and he told me he wanted the same thing. We were acting like a couple during this period even though we hadn't labelled it. However, things took a turn for the worst during this period... about 3 months into us 'talking' he ghosted me, literally blocked me on everything and didn't tell me why he had done what he'd done. The last thing he said to me was that he thought I was cute and then I didn't hear from him for months. This crushed me because I absolutely adored him.

Fast forward half a year and he pops up and messages me again, starting a conversation... I just go along with it because wanted to hear him out and still care for him. We brush up along the topic and he never really gave me a straight forward answer.. but we get closer and closer and my emotions take the best of me and we end up talking, sleeping together, and getting into a relationship. We have now been in a relationship for 7 months and it's been honestly the best time of my life, I love him so much and can't imagine life without him.

Now, things have started to go downhill, after a conversation with him I bring up everything that had happened and I have now found out that just 2 weeks after he'd stopped talking to me (ghosting me), he slept with someone else. He genuinely made me feel as if I'd lost everything because he was the only person I was out too at the time. He tried to argue that it shouldn't matter because we weren't together at the time, and he was crying eyes out and literally got onto his knees begging me not to leave.

It's been about a month after I've found this out and we've since broken up twice and got back together the next day because I LOVE HIM. I can't leave him but I can't get over what happened either, I think about it daily. What makes it worse is that the bed we sleep in, were we make love is the same bed he's slept with 2 other people on. It makes me feel dirty!!! I've told him that I was no longer going to stay at his house but because I'm not out to my parents that would make our relationship impossible so I'm staying on his bed, which is something I'm uncomfortable with.

Furthermore, He sometimes try to justify himself saying that "we weren't together at the time so it doesn't matter", but simply because of how he left me without even ending 'the talking stage' properly I feel like I have been cheated on! I love him and I don't feel like he even cares about me.

The point of this is, I just get the idea that he doesn't know how I feel, especially because he tries to justify it to me. I want him to know what I feel, how much I'm hurt, because I just can't leave him. I've had thoughts of cheating on him, but obviously not telling him about it because the point of this isn't to lose him, it's to make me feel better knowing that he would have went through what I did and make him feel exactly the way that I feel.

I don't think I could bring myself to cheat on him, even just kissing someone else feels wrong, but I don't know what else to do.

Before you say it, I know this is my own fault. I shouldn't have let him back into my life without first finding everything out. I messed up and took him back to easily but I just love him too much.

 

Honestly, I think the revenge thing is kind of an immature choice, and it doesn't always do anything. Plus, cheating is wrong on both sides, not only for the betrayal of trust but for the health risks involved. If he didn't care enough about you to cheat, he probably either a) wouldn't care if you cheated on him since he doesn't give a shit about you or b) might become crazy/abusive if he finds out. Even if he doesn't find out, revenge will not make you feel better. Some people kill others to avenge someone else, but instead of "feeling better" about it, they continue a train of rage and go on to continue hurting others because it builds as a cycle. Obviously cheating isn't as bad as killing, but It's an example of how revenge solves nothing and just continues to let you build hate inside.

You need to leave him. If you're thinking about cheating, you should just leave him. You need to get it through your head that he doesn't care about you and won't care how much he hurt you. You probably won't be able to "hurt him back" because he just doesn't care enough for it to work.

Instead of being childish about it, you need to move on. You can't really love someone if you're so focused on getting back at them, anyway.

 

Mmm two wrongs don't make a right in my opinion. My partner ended up sleeping with someone (complicated situation but in my eyes, I felt cheated on and betrayed. I had left them because I was in a bad situation, suicidal, couldn't come out, etc so I left, but a few days later they were like oh, please come home I want to be with you, so I did, then I find out months later they slept with someone while I was gone) and it boiled in my blood for months and months until I finally just ended up "cheating" (sexting a friend) too and my partner found out. Now we both feel gross and have barely any trust for eachother. I wish instead of acting out I could have gone back in time and made things right. And you shouldn't have to beg for someone's attention. At this point, if my partner doesn't want to validate my feelings or feel sorry for what they did, I'm letting myself be taken advantage of and I am NOT a pushover. Idk. Im sorry you're going thru this

 

Your best option is to forgive him. I'm sorry but you just have to. You still love him and he still loves you, I don't think you doubt it for a second. You may need professional help for this and if you do I recommend it because nothing is more important than your happiness.