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Confused about being lesbian

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by NYCer, Jun 19, 2017.

  1. NYCer

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    Some days I feel like I'm 100% lesbian, because I am and have consistently been very sexually attracted to women ever since about 10 years old and about 99% of my sexual fantasies (100% over the past 7 years or so) have been about women. But when I see lesbians, like in the Dyke March, being very cool and liberal and anti-establishment, I feel like maybe I'm not a lesbian. I'm quieter, nerdier, probably more politically conservative. It's the same issue I had when I went to some LGBT meetings during college. The lesbians seemed so cool and hip, and I didn't feel like I fit in and they didn't seem interested in socializing with me.

    I also have had crushes on guys when I was younger, like fantasies that they desired me and were crazy about or wanted desperately to marry me, but I've heard that lesbians don't really have those kind of fantasies or care about what guys think of them. So perhaps maybe I'm not lesbian. Then I did have fantasies of having sex with guys, but only to the extent that it was an expression of their desire for me, which made me feel good about myself. I do not find men's bodies or just plain sex (without feeling desired) with guys sexually arousing.

    Also I have dated some women, but nothing serious, so maybe because I haven't had a serious relationship with a woman that perhaps I'm not truly a lesbian. I have had a few crushes on women, but they weren't reciprocated unfortunately.

    Btw, I'm 47 and divorced from a guy. My ex-husband and I were married for 10 years. I divorced him because he had an affair and I knew I wasn't in love with him, but it still hurt that he chose to have an affair. I can't really say that I enjoyed sex with him (would usually fantasize about women when we were having sex). Thoughts?
     
  2. Creativemind

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    Well, first, being liberal or conservative doesn't really have to do with sexuality. I tend to be more on the conservative side as well. I have some liberal politics, but I find some of the flamboyant behavior to be too over the top. Not my style. I too feel that I don't fit in with the LGBT community.

    Secondly, even if you've had experience with guys, you can still be a lesbian. A lot of people stay in denial longer, and being cheated on and can still hurt even without sexual attraction. It's just a natural reflex.

    Wouldn't worry too much about it!
     
  3. RJay

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  4. silverhalo

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    Hey I'm really sorry to disappoint you but I am living proof that we lesbians are not all cool, and I'm not alone. I think the problem is the ones that put themselves forward for these things are the ones who are really confident and liberal and strong viewed. Perhaps also at college there were some shyer lesbians who hadn't figured things out yet or weren't confident enough to go to the groups.

    I know where you are coming from when I was first coming to terms with being gay I was like 'I can't be gay, I don't even know how to be gay' but the truth is there is no right or wrong way to be gay, just like there are all different types of straight people. You should never consider yourself less gay just because you don't want to March through the streets of town declaring your gayness.

    You like women, enjoy it and never let anyone tell you the right or wrong way to be a lesbian.
     
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  5. LostInDaydreams

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    I agree with what other posters have said on this, but I do get where you're coming from. I sometimes feel the same, but for me, I know I'm not cool and I'm never going to be cool. Just be who you are. :slight_smile:

    I've had crushes on guys, but I never had the desire to act on them. I would fantasize about being married with children, nice house, etc. (which is what I wanted in the long-term), but never about kissing them or anything like that.

    I get what you've said about sex fantasies too. Like you, mine were never about me doing anything to them and I wasn't focused on their bodies at all. I was very uncomfortable with the idea of fantasizing about women, and it's taken a few years to get to a place where I'm fine with it.

    I never been on a date with a woman, so you're ahead of me. If you were claiming to be straight, it wouldn't be an issue that you hadn't been on a date with the opposite-sex yet.

    I fantasize about women when I'm having sex with my (opposite-sex) partner, and the sex in our relationship has never been great. Just something I felt we should be doing, I should want to do, etc.

    My partner got very close to somebody a few years ago. I don't think it quite became an affair, but they saw each other outside of work and he said he enjoyed the excitement of potentially being caught together. Our relationship wasn't in a good place at the time, which is what caused me to start questioning. It still really upset me though. We had a relationship, had built a life together, were meant to be a team raising our daughter together, had shared a lot together, etc. I suppose we have been good friends, so it hurt a lot, that he wanted to spend time with somebody other than me. Also, as I said above I wanted the dream of husband/partner, children, etc., and I wanted it to be perfect. My parents had divorced and I was determined my relationship wouldn't have any issues, but this shattered the dream. I suppose it might also have been grief. If it happened now, I don't think it would bother me so much.
     
  6. Brit75

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    Hello! I just read this and it could have almost been me writing it, except for the fact that I'm not divorced yet. I'm having such a difficult time with this and there are days that I just want to throw in the towel and others that I want to scream it from the rooftops. Will be following this thread to hopefully get some help and advice.
     
  7. NYCer

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    Thanks, all, for your replies. I guess I was confused when I was younger, because like LostInDaydreams, I did dream about some "ideal" (i.e., smart, successful) guy marrying me and we would have 2 beautiful children and be living the ideal, successful, upper middle class life. But I'm not sure how much of that was my dream or my mother's. And my ex-husband and I did have that "ideal" life to aa certain extent, but just on the surface.

    I never did enjoy being physically intimate with my ex-husband, except the first time he kissed me when we were in college, when i felt a rush of excitement because I felt like he desired me. But I loved talking with him (we could talk for hours), and I felt like he cared about me and I considered him my best friend.

    I actually feel more comfortable with guys and have been emotionally and mentally closer with guys growing up, but physically/sexually my body just doesn't follow. I know I could never really physically/sexually desire a man or be fulfilled that way in a relationship with a man. OTOH, I haven't had as many close emotional relationships with women, perhaps because I feel more nervous around them or I've felt like they don't really pursue me or want to be with me (though this might be a holdover of my relationship with my mom, whom I always felt was very critical of me and didn't want to spend time with me).

    I did casually date a woman for a few months earlier this year and the sex was phenomenal in the beginning (like I can't even compare it to sex with a man), but i didn't feel the emotional and intellectual closeness that I felt for example with my ex-husband. But I guess I can have emotional feelings for women, because I have had several crushes on lesbian women (but unrequited unfortunately).
     
  8. silverhalo

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    Hey Brit75 welcome to the thread. Let us know when you are having a difficult day and we will help you through.
     
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  9. silverhalo

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    I think most girls have the straight dream society naturally leads you down the straight and narrow so to speak and especially if you live in conservative or religious family's no alternative is ever seen. I lived in an accepting liberal family with a gay uncle who was accepted by everyone and I still didn't figure out why I wasn't really into boys. I think as others have said in some threads it's almost like you question whether you are just broken before you question being gay.

    Just because you didn't have the emotional connection with that girl doesn't mean you won't have it with a different one. Don't give up, the perfect girl is out there just waiting for you to come and find her.
     
  10. Brit75

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    Thanks! Today is actually a really bad one. Met with a friend last night who happens to me a minister (female). She's very open minded and has lived a very colorful life so far. Stupid me thought it would be safe to talk with her about what I"m going through and I hoped for some comfort but she told me that being gay/lesbian is a result of demons. Made me feel like a piece of #$%$^. Now I'm not sure I can keep going on my journey.
     
  11. RJay

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    Welcome! So many in the same boat here! It's incredible to find community.
     
  12. RJay

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    Fuck her. Not literally, of course. But really, just completely banish her out of your life. NOBODY needs that kind of bullshit. I'm serious. Stick with us. There is a HUGE community out there of people who know that love is love, and there is no reason to limit oneself in where you seek it out. LOVE YOURSELF and the right people will come along to love you too. Just as you are. With no limitations.
     
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  13. Brit75

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    Thanks, RJay, her words just really knocked the wind out of my sails. I was starting to feel comfortable with myself, finally, and now I feel like I'm back to square one, no, back further than before, it's going to take me a while to get over this.
     
  14. RJay

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    I understand. When we are in a fragile state, it doesn't take much to beat us down. Sounds like her words were really hateful. PLEASE try to tune them out. Demons? Please?!

    Check out the two threads I started yesterday. A couple of excellent lectures. One about sexuality, and one about being brave and facing pain in order to get through to the good stuff. Expose yourself to things and people who will build you up and not make you feel shame. I know it's so hard. I was only able to admit I was gay about 4 months ago. After YEARS of shame and denial. So, I know what I'm talking about.
     
  15. Brit75

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    I'm new here, how will I find these threads? Thanks for the support
     
  16. RJay

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  17. silverhalo

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    Hey I'm

    Hey I am so sorry that she said that to you. I can understand that it has knocked you backwards, when you are first on this journey things are so fragile and anything negative can have such an impact. I agree with RJay you don't need people like that but I do understand that until you regain your confidence just kicking people to the kerb is difficult to do. Take your time and talk to us as much as you like and we will help you get back to where you were and beyond.
     
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