Hello, Let me start by saying I am going on 51 yrs old, and I guess I have known that I am gay or at the least Bi for prob 30 yrs or so. But I hid from that fact for so long. Yes I have had short relationships with men over the years. But I have lived as a straight man for all my life, trying to find personal happiness in the wrong places. I am married and have been for 20 yrs. I do love my wife, but not in love with her. If you all can understand what I mean. I have separated from her in the past, but due to having kids, friends, parents, and a sibling etc. never had the guts to be who I am. After all my wife has been through with me, like nursing me back from almost dying from cancer, and other issues, I can not just stab her in the back and hurt her in such a way. I know that with my age, and health issues I will prob never truly be happy with who I am. I always hope and pray for the special man to come along that would understand my life and situation. But I know with where I live That will never happen. as I live in south Mississippi, in a mostly rural county, outside a very small town with no gay friendly places. So I have resigned myself to the fact that I have a life sentence in a prison that I made. My biggest issue is dealing with the daily depression that I can not even talk about or share with anyone that would not judge etc. I find that I don't sleep for days, then when I do sleep it is for 18 hrs and when I wake. I find no reason to get out of bed, for it will be just another day of torture in my mind. Just looking for some advice for dealing with the issue. I don't want to end my life, so don't misunderstand. but sometimes I know that is the only way I will ever be at peace. So how do I spend the rest of my years dealing with the fact of knowing what I am but never being able to live the life that is in my heart?
Hey LostMississippi, I don't really have much in the way of advice for you about coping with your situation. I imagine that if you live in such a small town, you probably don't have access to counseling to help you deal with these issues, do you? That would at least give you someone to talk to. Have you researched online to find the nearest LGBTQ center or PFLAG chapter? They normally host support groups. Of course, you'd probably have to drive some distance to a meeting and, of course, come up with an excuse for your wife. It sounds like you are dedicated to your wife and don't have any intention of leaving her. Have you ever considered at least Coming Out to her so that you aren't keeping this all bottled up inside? Or isn't Coming Out to her even a remote possibility for you? What about friends? Do you have any close friends that you might trust with your secret? Anyway, you can always talk to us here on EC. It's not as good as talking to a someone in real life, but it's a start and at least you are interacting with an understanding community of people here. Stay strong!
Quantumreality, You are correct in no local support groups in the area. I would have to go to either Biloxi,MS or Mobile,AL for any kind of support groups. I have only been living here for two years, and the friends I have made are as you can expect in Rural, MS rather on the Conservative side. As far as my wife I really cant take any chances. Because without my retirement and disability income she would not make ends meet money wise, and my 19 yr old daughter still living at home, so yeah not counting not wanting to hurt my wife. she is not the strongest when it comes to dealing with things. So yeah stuck in a marriage where there has been no sex at all for the last 10 yrs just because I have no interest in females at all sex wise, but still have strong desires for being with someone that makes me stir with feeling and physical would be great. But I am not kidding myself either.
Hey LostMississippi, You moved there two years ago? Is that your retirement home? Did you have external pressures to make that location your new home? You don't really have to answer those questions, but I would ask: is there any chance you might move someplace closer to a larger population center where you might find some relief with and LGBTQ center or counseling possibility? A little off-the-topic background on me: I'm the same age as you. I knew that I was 'different' around puberty (age 13). But I never heard the term 'bisexual' growing up. I knew that I was attracted to women, but I also knew that I was attracted to guys. Up until I went to college, I was terrified that I had to 'choose' to either be straight or gay. It wasn't until I had access to real information about sexuality in college that I began to figure out that I'm Bi. I finally understood it at age 23 and it still took me two more years to full accept my sexuality. At that point, I was in the US military and intentionally dove deep into the closet in terms of my sexuality. I only Came Out last year. I've never been married and have no kids. So, while I'm not in a situation directly related to yours, we do have some elements of similarity.
Lost Mississippi, I can't post the way I would like tonight but I suspect we have some things in common. I will post here as soon as I have more time. Dean
We had reasons to move here. one because of my health I needed to move somewhere with a warmer climate year round. just could not take many more Illinois winters. two wife had family down here so it made it easier to make the move. plus here the taxes are much lower and that really makes a difference when you are living off social security disability and retirement from former work place. no income tax on retirement down here unlike Illinois that taxes everything. plus property tax is also much less. I wish I was able to go back to work, it would get me out and meeting people. I have joined a fraternal org here locally. But like I say they are very very conservative.
Hey LostMississippi, It sounds like specific location you chose to live is extremely isolated in term of the LGBTQ community. I know there are LGBTQ groups in Mississippi, but I believe they are mostly in the larger towns. I really don't know what to tell you, but at the very least EC is here to support you to provide a small outlet for you to make your voice heard.
I am in the same situation. I'm 58 and my wife is disabled. I share your feelings of dispare. I find myself wishing I would get cancer.
Hello....LostMississippi and maverick1.....I can understand pretty much all of what you are going through. Below is a copy of something that my therapist ask me to write. He ask me to write a short outline of what I had been through in the last 2 1/2 years. He wanted to give it to another client of his who was about where I started at. He wanted me to tell his client that there is hope. I do so hope my story will help you. I am 66 and hid in the closet totally for 55+ years. I am married (38 years) and have three grown sons and four grandkids. I love them all but I know that the love I have for my wife is not the same love that a heterosexual couple would have. I've had 17 surgeries in the last 30 years. Seven of those were spinal surgeries so that now my entire back is fused. I can do some things, but if it requires bending, I just can't do it. My wife has been with me through all of that. I live in a small town with zero LGBTQ contacts, organizations, friends, etc. I came out, on an anonymous website in Dec. of 2014. After about six months I knew that I had to find a way to talk to someone. Even though the website was an incredible help....I needed a person to talk to face-to-face. At that time I hadn't yet come out to my wife...that happen a year latter. I had recently retired...forced to leave a job I dearly loved because of health issues. I was also facing problems in other areas beside my sexuality. I told my wife that I needed to talk to someone out of town who didn't know me because the issues with retirement, etc. were just too much. She knew that I was having trouble and agreed. ( Note: I am very well known in my local town because of my former job.) At that point I started looking on the internet for a therapist/councilor that I thought would help...one that was a LGBTQ ally or who was actually gay. I found one in a city 150 miles away, made the arrangements and my wife and I took a weekend trip. She shopped, etc. and I went to see the therapist. I came out to him that night and my life has not been the same since! He is incredible and I have been able to make real progress. I can only go to actually see him about once every six weeks. When I can't go, we Skype or FaceTime once a week. In May of 2016 I came out to my wife. This is something that I not only never thought would happen...in the beginning with the therapist I said I would never do it. I said that other than him (therapist) I would never come out to anyone else...that the secret would go to the grave with me. I was afraid that telling my wife would hurt her very badly. I felt that I should carry the hurt - not her. It took me a while, but I finally realized (through a lot of therapy) that my decision to hide as a straight man was made long before I met her and that my sexuality did not have to be something that would separate us. I can't say telling her was easy...possibly the hardest thing I have ever done. In a way it freed me...it freed me from that horrible monster living in my head for all those years telling me that I was a mistake, that I should not have been born, that I as an abomination. It wasn't easy for her, but she has accepted me. We do love each other...in our own way and we are staying together. For me that was almost a miracle. I love my sons and my grandkids very much. The though of being separated from them is a little more than I can stand and now I do not need to even worry about it. My life has changed so much in the 2 1/2 years since that night here on EC. I have accepted myself, come out to my wife and a few very close friends. The monster of shame and guilt has been slain and I can now say that I am gay and be happy when I hear it. I now know for the first time in my life where I belong....I finally "Fit" someplace....in the LGBTQ Family. I don't plan on making big changes in my life...but the changes that I have made...mostly in myself...have made my life so much better. I now can look to the future with some excitement at what it holds. Guys.....I can see from your posts that you are in very dark places right now....I know because I spent 55 years of my life there. For the sake of yourself AND those around you....find a way out. Use the phone, use the internet, go to the library and use their internet what ever it takes to break out of that prison that you are in. It's hell for you and it's hell for those around you. That's not your fault but if you are suffering...those around you will be affected. BUT MOSTLY FOR YOURSELF....find a way out. There are 800 numbers, etc....numbers for a lot of LGBTQ resources. Look up the Trevor Project...it is primarily for younger folk, but they can give you phone numbers and web addresses for places that WILL HELP YOU! Find that help and take the first step to helping yourself out of the dark place. You can post to me here or on my wall by clicking on my user name "Quebec". Write to me and I will do whatever I can to help. I know that there are also many folks here on EC that will help. Quantumreality has really great advice too. Let me know how you are doing....I do care. I will also post this on your wall.....David
