Hello all so I am very desperate and confused right now. I need some advice or anything to help me understand what I am going through. I am 18 years old and turn 19 in a few weeks. To give you some background about me mentally my whole life I have been anxious and worried. It is a problem I have had to deal with for a while. I am always worried and think about worst case scenario with many things. Ever since a young boy I have liked boys but I never knew what the feeling was. When I was about 7-8 years old my friend and me used to experiment in my room and it defiantly turned me on at the time. However I was also turned on by girls growing up as I would fool around with them too but never did it get to a a sexual point like it was with my friend that I experimented with. Girls would still turn me on just not as much as boys. The first time I ever ejaculated I was very young and it was quick and I was thinking of a boy in my class. I never knew what these feelings were and always brushed it off as a phase. Girls would always give ve me butterflies and make me nervous. I always had crushes on girls as well and only liked boys sexually but never did I look at a boy and get nervous or think about him all day. It was always just a sexual thing. Then in middle school my interest for girls went up when I discovered porn. I would masterbate to girls now but focus more on their asshole rather than their vagina I don't know why but that is what turned me on. My interest for girls went up even more in high school as I would master bate to girls in my school as well as porn. I would also masterbate to guys as well but I did not like gay porn as I found it repulsive at the time. I was always a late bloomer and never even hooked up with a girl till my senior year of high school. I hooked up with this girl who was semi attractive but nothing sexual happened as I never even kissed a girl so for me to make another move did not cross my mind. However I remember right before her mother came home and I had to leave we kissed a bit more and she kind of put her leg on my leg lying down on me almost. This gave me a massive erection like I was instantly hard as hell! When I got home I immediately master bated thinking of intercorse with her. Then later on in my senior year I had my opportunity to finally have sex with a girl. I was so anxious to finally do it and end these weird gay thoughts forever! However it did not go as planned. I attended a party and met this girl I knew from class. She was again semi-attractive, we got back to her place after the party and immediately she got undressed it was dark and we went under her covers and started to hook up. I slowly started to finger her but I was not getting hard down their. After about 10-15 mins of kissing and oral sex I decided I just had to pee and then I would get hard. When I went to the bathroom I put some of my favorite porn on and tried to get a hard on as fast as I could. I was soft as could be and about after 5 mins gave up. She didn't seem upset at all as I think she really liked me. After that experience I was scared to have sex or do anything sexual with a girl. During this time I started watching gay porn and omg did it turn me on. My erections were rock hard and I was very into it. As the year progressed I started smoking a lot of weed to help me deal with my stress. I would smoke weed and be very into girls again but still to scared to do anything sexual with them. Once summer came I found myself now only liking gay porn. I would get massively hard erections and cum very hard. Straight/lesbian porn wasn't doing that for me anymore. In denial I would start off many times with gay porn but end up finishing to a girl or lesbian/straight porn. During my first year of college I noticed that after I would smoke and go back to my dorm I would be very horny for guys only. I started going on chat rooms and masterbated daily to gay porn and to guys. I felt very alone and almost trapped at school. I would get high an start thinking and looking at things in a different way. I was just finishing my freshman year of college. I had came home for the summer and was ready to get some pussy for real haha. My school is very boring and theirs not much to do so it wasn't weird to not be sexually active or with a girl as most of my friends didn't have anybody at school either. I'm attractive and it's not too hard for me to find a girl if I want. Thats another problem is every girl I'm with assumes I'm very experienced and have been with many girls just based off how I look. There was this girl from my town who had an amazing face she was so beautiful her body wasn't that great but I never really am one to care as long your pretty and clean. I started texting her and I would master bate to the thought of her once in a while. My erections were never crazily hard but they were hard and cummed thinking of her. Anyways it was sunday and she was planning to come over thursday that week. I was so nervous as I told my friends she was coming over and I kind of hyped it up bit trying to be cool infront of my friends. I masterbated one last time that sunday then decided I would not even touch my dick until seeing her Thursday so I could be rock hard. The whole week all I could think about was Thursday and what was going to happen. I was so scared I wouldn't get hard again so I went to the gas station near my house and bought this pill called Rhino 7 for a harder longer lasting erection. I even stopped smoking at the time just so I could be in the right state of mind. My gay thoughts were always their but I don't know if I was just ignoring them or if I wasn't as interested (like I said I am very confused). So she ended up coming over and right away we went to my room and started hooking up. I almost got bored with the hook up so I told her to take her clothes off and that I needed a bj to get hard. She said ok and started rubbing me and trying to get me hard. I was soft as could be and very embarrassed she even tried sucking on my soft dick but nothing would work. Again I said I had to pee and went to the bathroom this time looking at gay porn trying to get a hard on. I was soft as could be no porn would work. We eventually gave up and three weeks later here I am. I have not masterbated once since then and I also have not spoke to a girl. I don't get turned on by girls at all anymore and now I ma starting to have gay thoughts again. I do not know if I'm bi or just straight up gay. When I see girls I find them pretty and get still get nervous around them but nothing sexual turns me on. Guys still sexually turn me on. I am depressed and anxious now as I am very confused about who I am. I never wanted to be gay and always wanted a family and a girlfriend I cannot imagine myself with a guy if it's anything more than sex but at this moment I am defiantly starting to prefer guys more sexually. I do not know if it's all starting to hit me that I am gay or if my lack of experience with women is making me want to stay away.
From your detailed descriptions of experiences, it seems as though you may be heteroromantic homosexual. Sexuality fluctuates and so that may explain why when you were younger you were more into girls but we need to think about the now. Romantic attraction and sexual attraction are two very different things. Romantic attraction is by wanting to date them and be with them. Romantic attraction is usually paired with aesthetic attraction - finding them pretty. So as a boy liking a girl and thinking she is pretty but not enjoying sexual activities, it sounds like you are heteroromantic: Being romantically attracted to the opposite sex. When you talk about boys, you clearly state it is only sexual and you become easily erected when thinking of them. This means that you enjoy the same sex sexually but not necessarily romantic which would suggest you are homosexual and not homoromantic. This means that you aren't just gay or just bisexual as they suggest you being entirely into boys (romantically and sexually) or entirely being into girls (romantically and sexually). If it makes it easier to say bisexual, go ahead - it isn't my place to label you. But I think heteroromantic homosexual makes more sense unless I have interpreted something wrong. I hope this helps
So how come during high school I was so attracted to females? I would sit in class and get a hard on just staring at a pretty girl. Was I just extremely horny or what? And what does this mean for the future I am still confused any advice?
I think your gay and just havent come to terms with it cognitively. I.e I am gay and therefore must look to men as potential sexual and romantic partners. Trying to date a girl was like trying out the life society always told you that you should want, and consider normal. As to attraction, I dont know honestly. Kind of in the same boat as you. But I have heard that many gay men can fuck women in their youth just to the confluence of hormones, but as you become more certain about who you are and the drive goes down a bit, eventually you have to find someone whos actually simpatico. edit: You should break your OP into a few paragraphs.
It's exceptionally likely you're not heteroromantic homosexual. For one thing, there's no evidence of a separation between the romantic and sexual orientations, and unrecognized labels like that do nothing more than confuse people. Generally speaking, it seems that the only people who use that label are people who are in the "bargaining" stage of coming out and haven't yet fully accepted that they're gay. Speaking of which... based on what you're describing, I'd say it's pretty likely you are gay. As to why you had the experience you did in high school... people in their mid-teens will get erections from looking at avocados. Or tables. Or sheet music. Or almost anything else. In other words... with hormones raging, it can be very hard to get any reliable indicator of anything for some people at that age. But when we look closer at what you wrote about your teen years, the consistent pattern is an attraction toward guys, a discomfort with that attraction (the denial piece is very common), and yet a recurring pattern. All of this fits with, and is actually very, very typical of what many people experience in their teens. Society sends us a ton of messages that we are expected to be heterosexual. But our unconscious is going to do what it's going to do regardless of what we consciously want; we can't change that. When we confront the loss of perception we're straight, there are stages we go through in accepting that loss... denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance... and it sounds like that's what's going on for you no2w. So basically, from what you've described, I think it's pretty safe to say that you are either gay, or at the far gay end of the bisexual spectrum. And my guess is, at some level, you already know this, but are finding it difficult and uncomfortable to accept.
It's great that you reached out to EC to ask for advice. And based on some of the response, particularly those summarised by Chip, you are getting some good advice. Stick around and continue to post your thoughts and read others experiences. I think you can get a lot of good insight into the process of accepting yourself and figuring out whom you are. Something I just want to reiterate and expand a bit on, you have been exposed to lots of messages from an early age that suggest your supposed to be straight and live life a certain way based on heteronormative expectations. At the same time, no doubt, you probably have also been exposed to homophobic messages. When we can not define ourselves within the confines of the heteronormative messages we see, or when we are exposed to anti-gay images, we develop defensive mechanisms to protect ourselves from feeling shameful. We feel shame because either we do not confrom to heteronormativity or because we feel bad for thinking the homophobic messages are aimed at ourselves. As your figuring out your sexuality, recognise that shame will impact your perception of yourself and it's important for you to work on managing the shame. When you manage the shame, you can learn to be confident, have strong self esteem and hold yourself in high regard regardless of your sexuality and regardless of what others perceive. As you also manage shame, you may get further clarity on your sexuality and have an easier time accepting whom you are. Your on a journey, keep an open mind, and continue sharing on EC!
Honestly I’m new to this site, and from what I read about you, it kind of matches towards me but not completely. I was with my gf yesterday and had sex for the first time. We started to make out and stuff I was hard within 10 seconds like I was rock hard good to go like you. But as soon as I took her pants off I started to lose it abit haha and go soft but after I put it in I was good to go. If you have sex with a girl or anything and have to think of the same sex to stay hard or try to get hard...there’s a good chance you’re gay/bi which isn’t really a problem. It’s all natural. But the thing is with me. I get hard from normal porn and straight porn and gay doesn’t really do it for me unless I start jacking off. THEN, it does something..but that’s just how it is. You might have gotten use to the normal/ straight porn and stuff. Just go out have fun. Test yourself. If you go out right now and make out with a girl with a clear mind. Don’t think of anything. If you get an erection then you’re attracted to girls. If you get an erection from guys you’re attracted to guys. If both then both. Nothing wrong with that at all )
