Hello! I'm back from the abyss to ask for some advice from those kind enough to offer it. As the title suggests, I'm having problems with my boyfriend- I better start with some background information. He and I are both female to male transgender, and therefore go through a whole lot in our daily lives with dysphoria and bigots. He has talked to me about wanting to die in the past, and I've tried my best to help him and to not upset him by what I say about us, making it difficult to communicate more major issues with him. I don't want to hurt him, he is sensitive and will be hurt by some of the things I need to discuss with him and I honestly can't blame him. Unfortunately I'm definitely not a professional, or in a state to have the motivation and will to properly help him 24/7- which I absolutely hate. The main problem is that whenever he asks me to talk (we have a code word if it's really important) I try my best to reply as soon as possible. Even if it's days later, I see if he still needs to talk about things and distract him when necessary. But when I've been asking him to talk about important things, even when using the code word, he tries to change the topic back to talking about his day. I would understand if it were his emotions and problems he was talking about, but it isn't. He stops me from getting things out when all I want is for him to listen. He knows he doesn't have to give advice or push himself to help- I just wish he would let me talk. I know it's selfish and that he is too going through a lot, but could someone help me figure out a way to express this to him without being too forceful or harsh? My final question is, is this petty or a stupid thing to be upset over, am I the one in the wrong? Thanks.
Hey FoxEars! I'm sorry to hear that you are going through this difficult time, and I'm going to tell you my perspective on it! Healthy relationships, to me, involve putting yourself first. If you are emotionally capable to help him on occasion, then that is an amazing thing for you to do. However, you do not owe it to him to help out each and every time. From your post, I can tell that you clearly care about him and try hard to be as helpful as possible. But your problems matter as well. It does not matter who has it worse in this context. You need not be suicidal to be heard. It sounds like he is not putting the same amount of effort in keeping you happy as you are to him. How does he treat you, aside from talking about his problems? Does he ever thank you for being there for him? This is not a small issue in a relationship, because both of you should have a voice in the relationship and I would suggest you talk to him about it. You don't want to be too passive or aggressive; rather be polite but assertive. Maybe you should tell him something like, "Hey, lately I have been feeling like you are not listening to me about my problems. I always try to help you out the best I can, and though I don't expect much in return, I do wish I could sometimes talk to you when I'm hurting. Whenever I bring up something I am dealing with, it feels like you change the subject often. Is there a particular reason this happens?" Asking questions leaves the matter open for discussion as well, and gives him a chance to explain himself which is a healthy way to sort out an issue. It is not selfish to look out for yourself as much as you look out for the people you love. Stay strong <3 and update if you can
Hi Loveislove, thank you for taking the time to reply. He treats me okay, he complements me and is never really rude although he doesn't thank me. I'd put that down to being upset. I'll try and fit in your idea somewhere in the conversation but I will have to wait for the right time. I'll update you
My first piece of advice is to work on your support system—personal and professional. I'd encourage both of you to get help from a mental health professional if at all possible. There's nothing wrong with supporting each other but you should have other people that you can talk to as well. When it comes to another person's life, there's only so much you can do. Remember that. You can offer support, advice, a shoulder to cry on, but you can't fix everything. It's important for you to be able to have serious conversations about your relationship. They might hurt at first but it's not helping for you to have to keep them inside either. The code word is a good idea but it doesn't sound like it's working. There's a double standard here where he knows if he uses the word, you'll hurry to be there. But if you use the word, he ignores it. Start with a conversation about this. Do you need multiple code words of different seriousness levels? Does he need a code word to indicate that he's prepared to listen? When depression sets in, it can be hard to be in a good mental place to listen to other people. My fiancee has had days where she had to stop talking to friends for a bit for the sake of her own mental health. That's fine, but if it's happening all the time in a relationship, then it's a problem. This is also why having a support network is so important. If one person can't be there, you have others that you can turn to.
The support system is a really good point, he receives counselling through school but I gave up on it- I probably shouldn't have but I'm a coward who is too scared to go back. I generally don't have anyone to talk to anymore, which is the reason why I found my way back to the forum. I have managed to talk to him about the situation and he apologised. He explained that often he doesn't know how to respond so I explained that I just wanted him to listen and let me get it off my chest rather than having to reply with advice. I mentioned the code words and we have agreed upon three stages: Peaches- Worst case scenario Socks- Important but not as bad Jelly bean- Can wait a day or so and is only a minor thing that we still need to talk about. Thank you both for helping, hopefully it will work.
