Might as well be completely honest. I have two big appointments(?) coming up and I'm terrified. The first one is tomorrow, it's a lesson with a driving instructor. Not until 2PM so I have to wait all day...I'm just really nervous. I hate driving and I'm not confident, even with my parents. And I hate meeting new people, I certainly don't want to be alone with one for an hour. He's a man. I've already mentioned it before but I was sexually abused when I was a kid and I used to have bad androphobia and phallophobia. To be honest, it still resurfaces occasionally and now is one of those times. I told my mom I was afraid of being molested and she said he had to be qualified to work with children so that wouldn't happen. That's what's scaring me the most right now, probably because I've repeated it so many times in my mind, I've made it an almost certain reality. I'm also just scared that he's going to lose patience with me or I'll get into an accident. I've been in two accidents in two years, not while driving (it was my mom driving) but still :\ I just don't want to go. I don't know what I'm supposed to say to him...are we supposed to make conversation or do I just drive? And then my mom found out about my self-harm. Well, kind of. She only knows about one group of cuts on my thigh and I told her that was the only time I did it -_- But now she's booked me an "emergency appointment" with my counselor for Thursday and I'm worried. Is he going to have to tell her that I'm trans now? If I say that's the reason I cut myself, will he have to tell her? If so, I'm just going to lie anyway but I'm worried he'll have to tell her regardless? I'm so stressed out, my chest actually hurts because it's so hard to breathe...I don't want to do any of this...
I think perhaps meeting the instructor outside of the car perhaps get a feel for what he's like before actually getting in the car is important. You can let him know about the accidents though, then he'll know you're a little apprehensive about it! I think with the androphobia you're going to just have to trial and error it. You might have an issue with this instructor but perhaps not another one, can't you get a female one instead? Tell your mum he's rude and that you've found a new one online? I highly doubt your counsellor will tell your mum about being trans. I'm pretty sure it's a breach of your privacy and confidentiality.
first of all, try to appear confident towards your driving instructor. He will talk to you, thats for shure, but you just need to talk about the driving stuff. There is no no need to talk about anyting else if you dont want to, and he will and has to respect it. and if you really feel unconfortable you can quit the lesson whenever you need to. If you are not shure about the councelor's secrecy, ask him. ask him what he would have to tell your mother in the worst case and then decide what you 'can' tell him. In the end you dont have to talk. I had many therapy sessions where I didn't talk at all about my problems. And it was fine. In the end it probably won't be so bad, trust me, I was serval time in that situation. At first its scary but later it will be ok. I hope it's gonna get better for you
