This is my first post. And I need some relationship advice/your opinion. Well, I am 30 years old. I started dating when i was 20 and for the last 10 years I always bumped into wrong people, Id get hurt, isolate myself and start over. I have been through immense pain and I have seen happiness too (Sometimes). My prespective to life is a bit dark, not only because i ended up meeting everyone wrong but my job is so as well. I am becoming a trauma surgeon (Resident) and all i deal with is.. I am always stressed out, always anxious and depressed. And to me, I always thought this is what normal feels like. Dark and twisted. He is 32, a big hearted, big smiling, teddy bear of a man, hairy butch and all that any guy would dream of. Our paths crossed in a strange way. That is a long weird story but anyway. The experiences I had before, the kind of people i work with, the family I come from. I trust no one because I have been hurt, played with, manipulated. Either I am too sensitive or the world has become so rude. I honestly gave up on love, i gave up on finding someone, I was planning to finish my residency and get burried in volunteer work and service to others. Till i met him and he changed everything. Where do i begin? The chemistry is jaw dropping! He is so carying, loving. I feel like all he wants to do all day is to have me in his arms and kiss my forehead 24/7. Problem is because of who i am, I am a negative person. I have been waiting for him to say somehting wrong, do something bad so i can spot on say.. see thats what i was talking about! it is my life after all. He treats me so gentle its unexplainable. He will never let me get up if i needed something. He puts my shoes on. The love on the bed is.. no words, except i want to cry with the amount of care he gives me. He comes from a broken family, absent father, failed marriage (divorced wife), grew up on streets, had lack of money and he made himself and stood up himself to be where he is. I have kissed his feet out of respect, this man in 2 months has won my heart. I am really trying my best to give back the amount of love I am getting. But i cannot seem to reach his level. I am a 30 year old man ! ofcourse I can pick fake people, red flags, incoming trouble. I am trained to have an eye like that. We are trained to be on the edge for worst case senario but nothing. Not a single thing i can pick. Is this dude real? He does not know any dating apps. He is/was a straight man in straight marriage with a bitch.. He told me he has hooked up with 3 men in his life and that was one time encounter. And me being from the generation of the apps. Id know if someone is lieing. He does not know the gay scene, is not in it. Has no idea about it. My goals are his goals. He wont talk to me unless i give him an update that i have studied so and so and i have completed so and so. And ofcourse i do the same with him. He says i am the ray of hope he was looking for. I fill his life with ambition, goals, positivity (Ahh.. i dont agree), with things he cant explain and i wont understand.. I dont know, is this first time relationship firework lol or is this real? What the F is wrong with me. Can anyone give me an insight! Or just your opinion. Is this what soulmate is?
This could be. No one but you will know for sure, but it sounds like you've found someone who genuinely cares about you and, from what you've said so far, sounds pretty healthy, especially given where he's come from. Both of you will have to do self-work as your relationship develops. He most likely will have issues with your negativity, so you'll have to work through that. And he most likely will have issues that will annoy you as well. This is where both of you get to step up, open to vulnerability, listen to each other, and do your best to address whatever wounds each of you have. It sounds like you are off to a good start.
Thanks Chip. Appreciate your reply. I wish I could get some advice on how to steer this relationship. I am a bit afraid I might screw up. He is very accommodating, very kind and I do not wish to do anything that might create any holes in our thread of love. He says a million nice things about me that i just smile and say thankyou but in my mind I just dismiss. I really need to work on my internal dialogue. I am dark.
It's really hard to say (especially in the beginning) whether you'll screw things up or not. Every relationship in the beginning is going to be lovey-dovey until you both go through both the negatives and positives together. I am a negative thinker as well, so your posts resonates with me greatly. My psychologist has told me that in order to combat these negative thoughts, you must challenge it. Whenever I make a mistake I tend to ponder on it longer than necessary, and it eats me alive. It takes so much energy and it's not healthy. Negative thinking is like a bad habit you've been developing all your life. Changing it will not be easy, but rewarding as the day goes by. In terms of how to steer it... its different for everyone. I would honestly get so annoyed if I was with my boyfriend all the time (I really enjoy doing stuff on my own and having some me time). We meet up at least once a week, and that's worked out very well with the schedules we have individually. I think you've found yourself a really good guy. All I can say is that you'll know that you've found someone REALLY special when at the end of the day, he can put up with your shit and still love you the same. Remember, we're all broken in some way.
You are absolutely right. We are very similar. I too need time alone to do my things but he loves to be around all the time. Deep down, I am a loner and have been that way. Being alone is not necessarily bad, some great thinkers and successful people are the way they because they are loners. And it depends on the degree of being a loner. I like to have people around me but doing them doing their things and me doing mine. Not necessarily with me but around me. I dont know if they makes much sense. This is highly because I am tight on time and my lifestyle/work demands me to be segregated for a good number of hours to get my work done, to prepare, to study and to complete work. He is someone who likes to be around all the time and initially we had a lot of difficulty, he did not understand this and took it a bit personal till I had to explain him all the above in detail. I requested to meet him once a week so we build up on the waiting, indicating quality is the key. But somehow, as sweet as he is (blushing), he will come and surprise me in the library, hel get me a cup of coffee. Hel just say i was passing by but i know he drove all the way for me. So we end up meeting 4 to 5 times a week. And ofcourse this leads to spending more than hours n hours with him which i HIGHLY appreciate and love. And this is hard for various reasons. 1. No one has EVER done this for me. I am used to the reverse scenario. I am using to begging my ex and still made to feel guilty and worthless =( So this so much of love i cant handle. 2. I am behind in my work/studies etc. And i have no face to tell him this. 3. His presence does heal me, so I take it like therapy. But admittingly when i think of the missed work, i kind of cringe. It took us sometime to reach a level of understanding. He has been super understanding. He checks from time to time about my progress. Now we are reaching a point where after 15 mins into talking, he himself will say, you should go now and work. We can talk when you have time. He is sacrificing. And i feel like a selfish, demanding, difficult person. I have an exam approaching which is a pretty big deal. I initially thought lets go with the flow as things will calm down a little once we are used to each other. But we are becoming very very close and my emotional needs are increasing so i get blinded when i need to chose to meet him or call him or to actually sit down and do my work or get chores done. About me: I live and take care of my elderly parents. Dad has dementia, mums bed bound. My work is mentioned in the first post. I have a lot of other responsibilities too. How am i supposed to handle this?
You should just have a direct conversation and tell him you have to study for exams and take care of your parents so you can't be with him as much. He will understand and maybe even offer to help out in some way. Make sure you still meet up with him 1-3 days a week, but more than that should not be necessary if you are having a busy life.
Oh boy, I feel like I'm talking to myself haha. It's hard to think that someone out there could treat us so much better, isn't it? It seems that both of you have gotten to the point where you'll need to begin diving time between the both of you and you alone. Back when I was school, I decided to dedicate majority of my time towards my studies. My boyfriend wanted to spend more time with me, but I told him that I needed to study. That pressured me into spending more time with him, and I felt extremely frustrated because I wanted to focus on my goals and schooling for obvious reasons. We argued about it and but after taking a break, we talked it out and decided we needed time for ourselves. There would be no future for my boyfriend and I if neither of us do well in school. That's the reality. You absolutely need to tell him that your work/studies are falling behind and you need to focus on them, even if it means spending less time because of it. He may seem hurt, but he needs to understand that you have your own life as does he. He's sacrificing because he cares about you. Or, if you looked at in a positive light, he might not see it as sacrificing at all. If he didn't care about you he would not be going out of his way to check up on you and visit you every so often. With that said, I know what you mean by feeling negative about it. It's almost not right to feel loved and checked up on by someone who cares about you. But he's only doing this because he cares about you, not because you're demanding it. My boyfriend right now is in a spring class for university (1 1/2 month course). If he doesn't pass he can't get into his second year of schooling (no pressure right?). But he needs to pass. He wants to continue and for him to do so he needs to focus on his class to get the highest marks possible. I do not want to be the one inhibiting his chances, and quite frankly, his future. It sounds like you've got a lot to handle right now, with work/studies and taking care of your parents. I think at this point you know what to do, and that's to tell him that you need to catch up and prioritize. Your friend/boyfriend/girlfriend/significant other is there to support you and your goals, not inhibit them.
Thankyou for your post Jax12. It is almost like I am talking to myself as well. You are absolutely right. Thanks for the advice.
