Hi Guys, Girls and all in between. Wanting to find myself

Hi there , so I am a 57 year old man mature for 29 years with three kids in 20's , I had those thoughts about same sex interest and regrettably decided to cheat around 8 years ago. If I could change one thing it would be that not my same sex attraction . I suggest you talk to your husband . Your true love will be so powerful that you tell him this deep inside desire and maybe you two work through it with help of professionals etc , but please communicate. Now as that is my huge regret , may not ha e changed things other than the betrayal is rough , good luck

 

Wow you sound just like me, except I've only been married for 5 years and have a 2 year old daughter. I told my husband how I was feeling, that I was confused with my attraction to women and I was beginning to wonder if I was gay. The conversation unraveled and he knows exactly where I am at now. Everything is different. He had been terribly depressed and afraid, but things and raw and real. A week ago I was almost certain things wouldn't work, and I now am trying to fulfill myself in other ways and find joy and peace with myself and my husband. I am holding on to the fact that I may just be bi and unhappy for other reasons. It had been a bittersweet thing sharing everything with my husband, but I know in the end everything will be better. Either my husband and I will have a stronger healed relationship, or I will find my true self and live authentically if I decide that path.

I suggest you talk to him, but be sensitive to him. Being honest and open is so important and you will feel much better. Hugs! ❤️

 

Oh dear. I suggest therapy for yourself first. Then therapy together. You have to find a sensitive person who can help you with this and help you talk to your husband sensitively.

As for how you can know without cheating... I'll tell you what happened to me. I'm 43 and until last month was in a 19 year relationship with a man -- the father of my child. He was my first and only sexual partner. Sex was good in the early days because he was very attentive to my needs and moved really slowly. Over the years, he cared less about pleasing me, so it was just "meh". We had a lot of problems otherwise, though. Our personalities were always at odds, and he was very verbally abusive. So, the marriage was just not good.

4 months ago, as I was contemplating how crappy my marriage is and WHY I had just stayed with this abusive man who didn't love me at all, I got around to wondering about my self-esteem. After a really emotional day of sitting alone with my thoughts, it hit me like a lightning bolt that it was time to admit to myself I was gay. I hadn't ever really let myself consider it seriously. I always had crushes on actresses, and never fell madly in love with a man, but I always made excuses for myself that had nothing to do with being gay. On some level, I feel I knew subconsciously what was going on, but I was much too scared to face it.

After that day, I spent 3 months working on gathering up my courage and self-awareness. In that time, I talked to close friends and family about how I was feeling in my marriage and how I thought I've just always been attracted to women and not men. I only spoke to people I knew would be supportive. I also got a therapist and a lawyer. A month ago, I asked for a divorce and it's all moving quickly. My husband already moved out.

In the meantime, I have completely confirmed my gayness by just really being brutally honest with myself. By looking at women in the course of my day. By letting myself imagine what it would be like to really connect with them on an emotional AND physical level. I always really sucked at friendships with women -- especially very beautiful ones. I thought about why... I tried to picture myself romantically involved with the friends I always felt uncomfortable around. I watched lesbian movies (first really tame ones like "Carol" and then more intense ones like "Kyss Mig" and "Below Her Mouth"). Basically, I immersed myself into the idea and stopped policing my thoughts. I had always resisted thinking about women that way... always stopped myself from exploring the idea. I also read a few good books:
Lesbian Epiphanies: Women Coming Out in Later Life
The Chemistry Between Us: Love, Sex, and the Science of Attraction
Gay, Straight, and the Reason Why: The Science of Sexual Orientation

I haven't been on a date or had any kind of physical experience with a woman yet, but boy oh boy am I ever SURE about this. In fact, it's the first thing I've been sure of in my life. My whole existence has been clouded with uncertainty, low self-esteem, inability to find joy in life. I thought I was lacking some essential element... lacking the capacity to feel attraction, to flirt, to fall in love in a crazy way. I always loved romance in books and movies, but could not seem to get it together to feel that way about any men in real life. But, by just OPENING UP and exploring lesbianism fully in my mind, I have realized that NOPE, I'm not lacking anything. I'm just super gay. It was the women in movies that always got me excited. I just couldn't admit it. I've even fallen head over heels in love with someone already (someone I probably can't have, but oh well, that's another problem). So many things have confirmed this for me without yet having an experience. It's totally possible.

I'd say don't rush into talking to your husband, and do not cheat. Nothing you do in your mind or by yourself with your own body is wrong. Explore this fully. Without judging yourself. You will know soon enough if you are on the right track.

 

Oh, and binge watch "The L Word".