I never told the one I loved that I loved her...

Note: If it's too long to read, skip to the last paragraph.

I know, "love" is a loaded word. And for someone as young as I am (I graduated high school a couple of weeks ago), it will be passed off as "puppy love", but hey, love is what I felt, so that's what I'll call it.

For a bit of background, I liked this girl, Destiny, for about... three years. Since about sophomore year. I didn't even know her name that year, I just saw her around, and I fell into feelings so quick. I didn't know really anything about her. I joined choir the next year, a class she had took all four years of high school. And well, I was happy. Though, still too scared to really speak to her much. We were acquainted a bit, but that was it. Then, my senior year came along, and while another girl distracted me for a bit the first term, the second term, I finally got my nerve to speak to her... unfortunately, there was only like, four months of high school left. When two months or so left before graduation came around, we got really talking. And we clicked. So well. Better than I have with anyone else in my life. We became good friends over the course of a month. And we had fun, albeit often short times together.

Unfortunately, I never actually got the courage to say what my feelings were. I thought I was going to be disappointed if my attraction was unrequited, but this is even worse. I don't even have an answer now. I can't know. That questioning of what could have been just makes my figurative heart hurt.

Worst part is, I've never felt this way before, and didn't expect to feel this way ever in my life. I always thought that I was too cynical, I was too far gone, too depressed to fall in love, but I was really wrong. I completely regret my decision to keep it quiet. Even if I had a 1% chance of her liking me too... now it's zero. There is that sliver of chance she might come back like some of the choir kids do to say hi to the teacher and students, but I doubt it'll help any. I'm just too broken.

I thought I'd be perfectly fine by myself, but it turns out I have a desire for life companionship as much as every other human being. I used to think I was asexual, or even aromantic. My attractions were just to make me seem more normal, but this was real. So, I have to ask, has anyone felt this way, and it didn't work out? I'd like to know if I'll ever be able to pull myself out of this gutter, and if I'll ever love someone again the same way.

 

Hmm... well, my first actual crush here took far too long to actually start. Granted, it started when I was 15, but until I was about 17 is when the closer thing to love seemed to arise, because well, I didn't know her. Problem was, I didn't have enough time. Maybe a full year, or even another month or two, would have made saying something a lot easier. I have a lot of trust issues, and I've never clicked with someone as well and with as short a time span. I'm not that great at being social. It took me almost three years just to speak to her. So you can clearly tell how bad my anxiety is. I guess I kinda had this sense of not wanting to fall in love. Same reason I didn't make friends at first. I used to be completely cold and oblivious to people because I didn't want to get hurt. Then I gradually opened up and here we are. Problem is, I do feel I will retreat into that other personality again, that cold, emotionless, anti-social me who cares about nothing at all (which was ages 12-15). What sucks is, even if I do find someone else... it'll take me years, and then more years just to interact with them on a more personal level. It's my anxiety that'll always screw me over. My mental health is already bad enough as it is. You don't need to worry about that.

So you said not as strong. So you did have feelings again? For me, I can't even get feelings much at all, romantic or sexual, aside from her. I went on an "adult movie" binge, but I found it repulsing (like usual), and gave up cause I got no gratification. To be honest, it's worrying me. Granted, last time I saw her was only a couple of weeks ago, but the fact all romantic and sexual thoughts aside from her have been practically expelled, I think it's a bit alarming.

 

Oh, I have connections through social media. It just really discouraged me when she didn't offer to keep in touch, so I'd feel like a bit of an annoyance. That aside, I'm glad you've made that discovery. I still haven't come to terms gender or sexuality wise. When you said sometimes you don't get what you want. Well, I get that. You can't always win. However, I wanted to win. Just this one time. Someone did tell me you need to love yourself before you can love someone else, and that could be the problem. But for me, it's a much bigger thing. I need that validation, that something, to keep me going. To be honest, I was about to flunk out of high school, till she pushed me to do it. I needed someone that I loved to push me to care. And without that... well, I'm worried.

 

I know her personality, and she's not shy at all. She has this spunky, sassy attitude that certainly would probably be more open and outgoing. Granted, I've heard something about her possibly having a bad history with relationships. And yeah, I'm surprised feelings surfaced. Like I said, I thought I'd be fine alone, and never get too close to people for something like that to happen. I guess I had a bit of a complex, wanting to transcend these emotions. Sure, things can take seconds, but I do feel moving on from this could take awhile. Granted to be fair, I haven't left my home much since graduation, so my pool of meeting people is far less decreased.