Hi everyone! Reading through forums has already helped me seeing so many people in similar situations. Things have been coming up in waves the past few months and just the last couple days I am so sickly terrified and wide-eyed that I in fact may be lesbian. I have admitted to myself since college 10 years ago that I was at least bisexual after having seriously intense sexual and emotional feelings and fantasies for my roommate. I wrote in my journal a lot then and I sort of came out to myself in that regard a few times. I remember several random instances of having butterfly attraction towards some women during that time. I must have suppressed that all however when I met my husband a couple years later. Fantasies and attraction towards women was practically not on my mind for the first 4 years with him (we are celebrating our 5 year anniversary this week). Sex has never been good. I feel disconnected and almost like I'm broken. I've blamed it on birth control, pregnancy, and postpartum of not having any libido. I only recall a couple times feeling true attraction. Well, about 5 months ago I woke up from intense fantasies again and couldn't kick the thoughts. I suddenly was getting huge crushes on some of my mom group friends. Ive been writing in my journal more lately and re-admitted to myself that I am not straight. I then started freaking that I was maybe lesbian instead. I felt sick to my stomach of the thought and what that could mean to my marriage and family. I could not kick the thoughts and was overtaken with them. I was depressed, anxious, and bursting at the seams with crazed thoughts. I have always had a great relationship with my husband. We get along great, he is an amazing selfless husband and father, and I tell him everything. So it was eating me alive holding in these secretive thoughts. So, I arranged a date night and told him over dinner what I had been going through and my fears of possibly being lesbian. He handled it well in the moment but that night we cried in bed and talked in circles for hours. I felt like I was in a nightmare and that I screwed everything up. After talking to my mom and close friend that week and told them everything, they both reassured me that sexual attraction is complicated and fluid and that both of them have experienced attraction towards women as well. I was reassured it was normal and I could carry on, reassure my husband, and continue normal life. All throughout this time I have been having severe ringing in my ears and hearing loss. It interestingly started right around the exact time the thoughts came back 5 months ago. I've been terrified I have a hereditary brain tumor because of it, so needless to say it has been an insanely stressful several months. Oh and we just moved and are about to close on a house in a month. And we've been thinking of trying for another child. Two days ago I assisted a wedding photographer and immediately got a huge crush on her. Also the wedding had tons of lesbians there and I felt myself envious and fascinated, staring at them having a great time together. That night I went to bed crushing on the photogrpaher I assisted.. and woke up in the middle of the night to the most intense fantasy I have ever had about one of the beautiful masculine lesbian at the wedding. I was wide-eyed, aroused, and panicked. It was like a slap in the face.. sh*t I'm a lesbian. All yesterday I was in a terrible funk and couldn't tell my husband why. I had another moment last night of looking out to the trees blowing.. the beautiful mountains.. thinking crap. This might be real. So sorry for the insane rant. I've told my mom and a couple close friends during my initial freak out- all making me feel much better but I'm obviously a mess. I also feel the pressure with the house closing soon. Do I continue on or path of the house and normal life and take our time to figure this all out?? Or do I bring things up sooner than later before we are tied up. The first time I brought this up to my husband he immediately began with conversation about possible ending of things. He wants to be desired and I don't blame him. This is serious stuff and I just don't know what to do. I start seeing a therapist (who deals with lgbtq issues and people) on Wednesday. Hoping for peace and answers.
I came out just a year ago - and hey, I'm here in Reno too! You are in a tough situation, and I have no words of advice on whether or not to complete the house sale. It doesn't sound wise to create a major financial commitment when your future is so uncertain right now. Please keep reading and posting here, and I hope your therapist can provide some clarity for you. Please feel free to send me a friend request and I would be happy to talk one-on-one with you on our walls if you would like. Take care. ride:
Hi! I started reading your comment and omg, we have such a similar story. I'll be curious to see how therapy goes for you. Your story read like you have kids? That's the worst part for me. I've been married for 5 years and am about to turn 30. After my second baby, it's like I woke up and now I'm going freaking crazy. I desperately want have deep emotional relationships with women and it's just rocking me to my core with self judgement and guilt. I'm worried this is an escapist fantasy or something except that I've had these feelings for so long and they're so intense. I definitely fell in love with my friend in college and up until recently, I thought it was just her. My interest in queer culture (websites and movies) should have been a much bigger red flag. Now that I've given this piece of me a little air, I could actually see myself other women and its terrifying but liberating in some of my mentally stronger moments. My husband is such a great guy. I worked up the courage to make the call and I start therapy on Thursday. I think I'm afraid to discover/admit that I want to be in a relationship with a woman and not stay married. All along there have been so many signs and I was just too scared to acknowledge them. I told my mom the other weekend and she was only a little surprised and told me that I seemed to be unhappy for a while. She also said, I'll never be happy if I'm denying my true self. Having a family and obligations makes this so much harder My husband knows something is up but I don't know how to even start the conversation without knowing what I want. My husband is going to ask and everything just feels so fragile. I'm so exhausted from all of this. I haven't been present at home and I feel like a terrible mother on top of it all.
i cant advise on the house issue but seeing the therapist will be a hugh help, it was/is for me. and i came out to myself after my marriage ended. good luck hun, i would say that although you have the very real concerns about your hubs and family, be open to who you are, denial is harmful to you and ultimately to your hubs and kid.
Thank you so much. I really appreciate the support. I would love to have a local friend that understands where I'm coming from and who can relate. Thanks!:icon_bigg ---------- Post added 5th Jun 2017 at 08:12 PM ---------- My gosh reading your comment literally gave me goosebumps! I seriously could have written that. It is so nice to know I am not alone and that you relate so strongly. I too was telling myself that having a baby and the insanity of being at home with her constantly has made me crazy. Like you said- I'm almost afraid it could just be an escapist thought process of convincing myself that this would make me happier. But I'm coming to realize it is more than that. These are feelings I have had for so long that KEEP coming back.. stronger each time. I just don't want to do anything that will mess up my life if it's just an early life crisis. I know the next time I bring it up to my husband that it will be the real deal and it will really hurt him. Our relationship is fragile since I told him the first time. I'm so scared to mess something up without being sure. I will say that talking with your husband will alleviate the insanity feeling of being trapped in your head. It was a huge relief for me. Though it's serious stuff that could result in him reacting unexpectedly. I regretted telling my husband that night when he was so heartbroken and I just kept saying I'm so sorry I love you so much.. why did say this and screw up everything. But it the longer term I am so glad I did. It's important to be honest and open. The wall up gets bigger the more you keep it to yourself. If these thoughts do not go away I'm going to have to have this conversation all over again... :icon_sad: Thank you again for sharing! I'll send you a friend request. I'd love to see how things go for you. Feel free to chat whenever!
Thank you so much! I have always been a strong believer in living true to yourself. So yes once I come to full terms with this, I know I won't be able to continue holding it in. I am very optimistic for therapy.. Yet a little scared of what it will likely result in. Thank you, again for the encouragement!
Hi, I'm new here. Just jpoined yesterday. I have a similar situation. I've known for a while that I'm bisexual, but I'm married with kids and I live in Texas (not the most LGBT friendly state). The only people who know that i'm Bisexual are the people I have met on here in the last 24 hours. I really want to come out, I know that my life would be much happier. Just telling people here on EC has made me happier than I have been, but I feel like I would lose so much.
Look through some of my posts, and you'll see you are not alone! I am going through the same and also have a young child. In my situation, I knew my marriage was broken anyway, and my husband is not a good person, so I am divorcing him without coming out to him. BUT, coming to terms with being a lesbian has been scary at times, liberating at times, and also has given me the motivation to get my independence. Therapy helps me a lot, and I know it will help you too. Once I allowed myself to accept that I'm gay, the attractions and fantasies have been really difficult to handle. It's a little out of control, and I'm scared sometimes. But, all in all, I am much happier now that I'm facing life knowing who I am. It's a process with lots of ups and downs. BE KIND TO YOURSELF!!!
RJ, thank you so much! It's so hard going through this with a young kid. Mine is 2, so young enough she wouldn't understand but she would be affected by the change. Whenever I have moments that I admit to myself that I am lesbian, I get excited adrenaline and clarity. It just makes sense. And even with all the baggage and depressing situation of possibly breaking apart the family I have (my husband is incredible), there is still something liberating about it. It would make so much sense why I never want to have sex and why every relationship with a guy I just don't feel the attraction. I totally agree that since I have been admitting this to myself it is super intense the amount of attraction and being taken over I feel towards random women. It's getting more and more frequent! It is all very powerful and I didn't know I had it in me.
Ha! It really sounds just like what I'm going through. I was always in love with the idea of romantic love. I loved reading about it and watching it in the movies -- especially movies of the 1940's. Love scenes in movies always got me excited and made me long for it, but what I failed to perceive was that I was identifying with the men in the movies and was attracted to the women. No wonder I could never really feel it in real life. Now I catch myself getting that electric feeling when I'm talking to certain women. I get all embarrassed and wonder if it shows -- especially when it's my kid's teacher or the mom of one of his classmates. AWKWARD! But also kind thrilling! I have these crushes that are so intense. ---------- Post added 6th Jun 2017 at 05:29 PM ---------- It has helped talking to my brother who is hetero. He says that's just what it's like for him, but since it's that way his whole life, he is used to it, and it isn't as intense as it is for me, since it's such a new experience for me. ---------- Post added 6th Jun 2017 at 05:32 PM ---------- When this hits us late in life, and we realize that other people have decades of learning how to manage sexual attraction under their belts, we have to be kind to ourselves. It's kind of like we are going through puberty for the first time, because we didn't do it right when we were adolescents. It's like we are teenage boys in a way.
