o……..I posted on here a while ago about crossdressing & gender issues & starting to query my sexuality…. Fast forward……and not a lot has happened!! I’ve accepted my feminine side & introduced her to the outside world a couple of times which I guess is progress. I’ve also relocated myself in the hope that I’ll lose some of my apprehension about presenting as female so that’s a work in progress. I’m back on EC now because the question of my sexuality is bubbling to the surface again, this time more than ever. I’ve read a lot of posts on here that resonate with me so much & the more I think about it now, the more I realise that I’ve been suppressing my thoughts & feelings for pretty much my entire life. It’s eating away at me now & I know I need to do something about it soon. I guess writing this is the start of my journey but I’ve no idea where I go next. I’m quite shy & introverted so meeting others won’t be easy. The possibility of being gay is not something that is sitting very easily with me & I’m pretty scared by it if I’m honest. There isn’t really anybody I can talk to about it either so I’m feeling quite isolated at the moment….:bang::bang::bang:
Hi shybiguyuk, Welcome back to EC. Keep posting about your thoughts and feelings on here. Sharing similarities and insights with those in similar situations can be hugely helpful.
Welcome back to EC! This is a safe place for you to figure things out. Sounds like your reaching an inflection point in life, and your not alone with what your going through. Keep an open mind and see where it takes you!
Thank you. It's good to know that there is a forum here where I can share my thoughts & try to get some of my negativity off my chest. I can't quite decide where I am at the moment....At the moment I feel as though I've almost accepted that I'm gay & in some respects actually feel ok about it. There'll be other times though that I go into complete denial & start to internally fight the whole thing which does nothing but get me stressed. And that's pretty much the cycle I'm stuck in right now....
Hi and welcome back! I went through a similar terrible roller coaster accepting myself. That's how I felt too - though part of what was so scary, looking back, was the intensity of feelings I realized I had for men, that I had completely suppressed. As others have said, keep reading and posting... for me things people felt and posted and experienced just kept clicking...
findingjoy......this is exactly the same with me.....your posts & those of many others that I've read over the last few weeks & months have been a bit like another piece of a jigsaw being put into place. I'm trying to open my mind to allow myself to be attracted to men which felt strange at first but is something I'm getting used to I think. At the same time, while I still find women attractive, I feel no arousal towards them at all. The thought of being with a man on the other hand is now starting to have the opposite effect! Final acceptance of myself will still be hard I think though I'm going to continue to use this fab place as a sounding board just to get my thoughts out of my head & also because it's so good to communicate with folk who are in or have been in the place that I am now..
For years I convinced myself I just had some 'fetish' or kink about men, and since I only thought about it when masturbating (or sometimes when trying to orgasm while having sex with my girlfriend) it was easy to compartmentalize... It was very hard to imagine myself romantically with a man. someone here suggested .. try being 'gay' for a day in your home, or an hour if that's too much.. you can always say you're just experimenting... I began to like those moment so much more than trying to fight it.. it took awhile but 'for a day' turned into days, weeks... When I first came here this confused me, and someone said "don't worry once you accept yourself your attraction to women will start to fade.. I was still at the point of trying to 'hold on' to the idea I was straight....but sure enough the attraction to women faded. I still find them beautiful, I like their femininity but no arousal or attraction at all... at the same time, I was consciously allowing myself to look at men, if only online - and not even porn... , I allowed myself to fantasize, my orgasms while masturbating became cosmic... and the after sex guilt (before i came out I'd feel guilty for weeks) slowly faded... I realized that all these years I was trying to have sex 'through' a woman not with her. the more i fantasized, I realized my fantasies became romantic- I imagined a candle lit dinner, snuggling, holding hands, and I realize my thoughts of this were 100X more intense than anything I ever felt for women... This may sound funny but being gay just began to feel so beautiful that I moved way beyond acceptance to happiness.
I often wonder if this isn't just a phase or a fantasy. Well, if it's a phase, it's a hell of a long one! And the fantasy bit is tempered by my decreasing attraction towards women & the fact that I'm more & more drawn to looking at pictures of men. At the moment though, I don't see myself getting involved romantically with a man. I guess though that could change once I've swallowed my pride & got brave enough to start meeting other men. I remember reading the suggestion about being 'gay for a day' at home & I'm glad you've reminded me of it. It's something I should & will try, just to see how long I can last & how I really feel about it. It'll be worthwhile if it makes my journey to self-acceptance any easier.
