Feeling crushed by my anxiety this morning

Hi Bluenote... I've not been on here for quite a while and yours is the 1st message I've read. The fact that you've been together 30 years is remarkable - however it seems the feelings you now experience have been repressed for a long time... and it seems you may be at a stage to start accepting and understanding them. I'm sure you'll get some help and good a dice on here. All I can say is stay strong and be true. If this is meant to happen, you will eventually end up in a better place. X

 

I really understand your feelings Bluenote. On the one hand feeling "whole" - like finding the missing piece of your personal jigsaw and on the other broken, terribly sad and angry, because this new self-awareness is not allowing you to continue your life as before. I feel torn, too. To be honest I have felt like self-harming or worse sometimes. But the latter is a not helpful to anyone, either...would your husband consider an open marriage? We couldn't consider this as there were other problems in our marriage, but if your relationship is really solid in other ways and your communication with one another excellent, then would he consider this?

Once I became self-aware that I am on the spectrum, feeling more gay than not at this point, I think, the idea of never having any possibility of exploring/ expressing this new and tender, intimate aspect of me became very painful to contemplate, like cutting out part of my core and asking someone to bury it in a 6 foot deep hole...sounds melodramatic...but letting go of what felt like a really integral part of who I now believe I am really feels like a big deal. On the other hand I struggle to see myself in a relationship with either a man or woman at this point.

 

If the therapist is helpful, it's a good idea to continue with that.

Perhaps you could ask the therapist (and also explore through reading) if there is a scenario where a Mixed-Orientation Marriage (husband straight, wife lesbian) would work out. I'm sure it's challenging and you'd need to consider a lot of boundaries and other conditions. I'm just suggesting this because your husband is a great guy and I think exploring every avenue that would allow your relationship to continue with him would help ease the questions you face, even if there isn't a solution that's possible (perhaps the feeling that you've explored every possible avenue might help in any event).

I'm bisexual and in a Mixed Orientation Marriage. My wife is straight. For me, the process of coming out to others as bi has been everything I needed in my life. I'm happy with my wife, happy with monogamy - but being out of the closet has taken the stress of feeling like I'm not fully me out of my life. It hasn't been easy. It's been a combination of exhilarating, agonizing, nerve-wracking, joyous, anxious, etc. But I'm queer and out, and I'm in a better place. That's been my path.

Your path might be different. Just sharing in case any of that might be helpful. Hugs to you!

 

Oh Bluenote. I am so sad you are feeling like this. I am sending you a big hug as I can't help with advice on this one as I was single when I had my catalyst moment. All I will say is that I think this is far too strong a thing for you to be able to suppress. I don't think you can look at staying with your husband to prevent ripping yourself family apart... I think you need to think of yourself first... if your children are grown, you deserve to be happy x And it probably will hurt your husband at first but surely if you can't be the same wife you have always been is it really fair to stay with him. xxxx

 

Oh Bluenote - I have just read your post again and I am sending you a big virtual hug across the sea. It's the best I can do. And yes, do believe that you, like everyone, are worthy of happiness. xxxx.

 

Bluenote, you and I sound like we are in very similar boats.

I'm married to a great guy too. We've been married for a little over ten years and have two little ones. He loves our family very much. I can tell that he adores me. However, our marriage has been rocky lately. More for me than him. There are many factors that have played into this. One of which is me questioning my sexuality. My husband has no idea that this is going on with me. I'm not so sure what I'm going to do.

For me, therapy has been a tremendous support and help. It gives me somebody to talk to that I can be 100% open and honest with. Before I started therapy I was driving myself crazy trying to deal with things on my own. I hope that you continue your therapy, because it can be so difficult to deal with these kinds of feelings and thoughts in the situations we are in can be.

 

Hi Bluenote-here's another virtual hug from me! It's understandable why your anxiety..all the combinations of emotions...would be running wild. Such a difficult situation.

I was already divorced when my 'sexuality turning point' came about, so I can't really comment re: being married when all this comes to light. I know you will get a lot of support from other married people here struggling with the same thoughts and feelings.

One thing I do know for sure though is that living on the fence, in a state of indecisiveness is often much worse than making a decision one way or another. Once a decision is made we are forced to deal with all the fallout--the good, the bad and work our way through. Indecision leaves us directionless and in a state of predicting outcomes and what ifs both ways. And definitely keeps our heads spinning and our anxiety on overload. Not to say a decision shouldn't be well thought out--it should be of course. But at some point you will have all the 'data' you need and will complete all the soul searching you need too-- and you will decide. You will be able make the decision that feels right deep in your soul.

I'm glad you are going to stay with therapy. I have found therapy to be invaluable for me as I work through all this too. And of course you have all your friends here on EC for support as well. Take care.

 

Bluenote,

I had anxiety off the charts in the first 2 months after realizing I was a lesbian (this was very recently back in February this year). I think it's normal to have that after having such a life altering realization or any big change in life. It does get better. I have felt a lot better since then. I know it's tough but if you get panicky, just breathe and try not to focus on anything serious...don't try to figure stuff out in that moment, just relax and know that it will pass. It helped for me to distract myself with something I liked to do...like reading a good book. *hugs*

 

Just want to offer my support. I'm sorry you are in such anguish. In my case, my marriage was broken already before I came to terms with being gay, so asking for a divorce was met with relief, and things have moved quickly on that front. Even though my marriage and its deterioration have been crushing to me, on the other hand, I'm glad I didn't have to break a good guy's heart when I figured this out. I'm glad you will stay in therapy. It's important. Hang in there, and reach out!

 

How can you remain as you are, continue to live behind an emotional wall not being true to yourself, and not destroy your family just the same?

Either you make the choice, or the choice will be made for you. Its human nature.