Hi, everyone. I recently stumbled upon the EC forums a few weeks ago and am beyond thankful that I did. But now after weeks of lurking and reading, I need to post. I know from the research I've done that i'm not the only man in this painful and scary situation. I don't know if i'm seeking insight, or just a therapeutic way to release my anxiety through the written word, but here is my story: I'm a 36 year old man, been married for nearly 5 years to the most incredible, amazing woman. Married for nearly five, been together nearly 7. she's my soulmate, partner, best friend and everything i've ever wished for in a spouse. we click in every way and our families get along swimmingly (how many married people can say that they legitimately love their inlaws as their own parents?). We don't have any kids; just a dog and a house that we bought together. Seemingly, everything is perfect. From an even a young age, I always thought that guys were as attractive as women. I never thought anything of it; i guess i chalked that up to my artistic upbringing...being able to see beauty in anything. as i got older, i was always interested in girls, but still found men attractive and good looking. In college i discovered gay porn and was always turned on by it, but after masturbating to that and any other male-on-male fantasy, i immediately felt ashamed and guilty of it. i grew up in a very conservative household where homosexuality was viewed as a sinful choice. in my early adult life, i happily dated women and enjoyed having sex with them. While I was single, and after years of being "curious" i finally mustered the courage to try experimenting with guys. I would do so on hookup sites; it was just meaningless sex. i would enjoy those gay sex experiences at the time, but like clockwork, i felt guilty and ashamed immediately afterwards. i continued to date women; i never had any interest in dating men or in being in relationships with them; that was something that simply seemed an impossibility for me. I truly had zero interest in that lifestyle; in short, it "wasn't for me." i just found them sexually attractive and regarded them as a "fun distraction".... guilt/shame not withstanding. Fastforward to 7 years ago when I met my now wife at a friend's wedding. We hit it off immediately, struck up a rapport, began dating long distance and a few months later i moved cities to be with her. we were in love, head over heals over each other. i proposed, we had an amazing, unforgettable wedding and here we are. however, during the 7 years we've been together, i would get these urges to mess around with guys. i freely admit that i'm a louse by stepping out on her. i rationalized it by telling myself that "the plumbing is different; it's just guys." no harm done, in my opinion. i would never cheat on her with another woman; to me she's the whole package, but i would get these occasional urges for some man-on-man time that needed to be satisfied. i would still have sex with her and enjoy it. i guess i was being selfish by wanting the best of both worlds. sex with a man is very very different than it is with a woman. however, all of this changed a year ago. a year ago, i met another guy on a hookup site. this time it was different. we hit it off right away and after a month of having sex we both developed feelings for each other. this was scary for me, because i never thought it possible for me to fall in love with another man, but i did. to make it worse, i'm still married to my wife. i became so invested in the other guy that i was no longer interested in having sex with my wife. for months she and i weren't intimate. prior to that, we had a very active and enjoyable sex life, but i found myself always thinking about him. i began neglecting her, making up excuses for why i wasn't in the mood for sex with her (blamed it on achy stomach, stressed with work, whatever). being in love with this guy was something completely new for me, and i have to be honest, it was exciting. i fantasized about what my life would be like with him. we continued to see each other on the side for over 6 months. meanwhile, my poor wife had no idea this was going on. i was being an absolute piece of shit to her. i felt like i had a finite amount of romantic love to give, and i was giving it all to my guy. for the first time in my life at that point, i questioned my sexuality. i decided to see a counselor that specializes in this matter. the therapy sessions didn't really help me, unfortunately. i didn't like my therapist and sadly didn't get much of anything out of those sessions. the one thing i did get from it was the realization that human sexuality is far more complex than society has wanted us to believe, that it falls within a spectrum. my therapist surmised that perhaps i was always in the middle, but now i'm evolving to the more "gay" side of the spectrum. after about 9 months, my guy called things off with me. he wanted to be with me in a real relationship, but felt like i was stuck in a different world. understandably he felt it best to move on from me even though he still loved me. i was crushed by this. i missed him immensely. maybe it was because he was my first male love, but i was devastated and missed him so much. he and i were split up for a few weeks with no contact. i was devastated and depressed without him. it was during that break up i came to the conclusion that i must be gay. i realized i would have to tell my wife, but i was terrified of that. i was terrified of the devastation it would cause her and our families. as i said before, our lives together were seemingly perfect. we still weren't having sex....i just couldn't perform with her. any sexual attraction i felt toward her or women in general seemed to vanish. i had to start taking viagra just to be able to perform with my own wife, and even then i wasn't into it. for sure, that had to mean i was gay....and that terrified the hell out of me. Everything I thought to be one way was now changing completely and utterly. i suppose i wasn't ready to be considered gay. how could i go from enjoying physical intimacy with women to not at all? i agonized for months about having to break the news to my wife that i was gay. i'm her entire world, and she truly is mine. she doesn't deserve the heartache and pain i was going to inflict upon her. and as selfish as this sounds, i just didn't want to lose my partner, best friend and wife. i knew the time for me to inform my wife about my sexuality was coming. The weeks leading up to it were agonizing. I finally talked to her this past Monday....only I couldn't bring myself to tell her everything. I didn't tell her that i was gay; rather, i told her that i was questioning my sexuality. upon hearing this, she reinforced how incredible and wonderful she is. she's by nature a very empathetic person. of course she was shocked and didn't expect this. of course she was saddened to hear this news, but she told me she didn't care what i was as long as i was happy with my true self. but she asked me a number of questions about everything. i didn't tell her that i've messed around with guys. i figured that would add more worry and stress to her and at that point, what more would that really accomplish? admittedly, i was also trying to protect her feelings by softening the blow. but now i'm confused all over again. i was so certain beforehand that i was gay....but now i'm not sure anymore. am i just bi? i have to admit that i felt a bit of relief finally releasing this burden i've been struggling with for a year. "coming clean" (to an extent) left me feeling liberated to where i feel my sexual attraction toward her and women in general has come back. as for how she's coping? as well as she can be. as i said, i've been agonizing over my sexuality for a year; she's just been hit by this train a mere 5 days ago, so she's got a lot to process and deal with. but there is a noticeable tension and awkwardness between us. she's distant from me. i'm not allowed to hug her or show her any affection without asking her for her permission, nor does she want me to sleep in the same bed with her. i know she's deeply saddened and affected by all of this. she's scared....scared of losing me forever, scared that our amazing future she dreamed for us is slipping away. that breaks my heart as well. i haven't been sleeping well at all since i talked to her. i hear her stir awake in the mornings, then i hear her quietly cry to herself. she's asked me if i think i might be gay or just bi. i told her i'm not sure, but i hope i'm just bi. if i am bi, she doesn't see how that would necessarily affect our marriage, and i can say that it wouldn't. but she asked me if i am bi, would that mean that i would feel the need to explore that side of me. i again told her "no," because i realize now that i'm (again) not interested in being in a relationship with a man. as for my guy? he and i resumed communication. i came to a realization after telling my wife of my struggle: as much as i love(d) him, i knew deep down he wasn't "the one." yes, we had fun together and amazing sex, but there wasn't a whole lot of substance beyond that. i think i was merely infatuated/obsessed with him because he was my first gay love....and like little schoolboys/girls, we tend to obsess over our first loves. all of this is to say that now, five days after telling her, that i'm confused all over again. why i can't i just think that men are attractive and leave it at that? why can't i be happily married to my amazing wife yet still find guys attractive and leave it at that? i really don't want to lose her; i'm not ready to give up on us. i want us to work and to have the amazing future we both envisioned for us. i feel that the fear of losing her forever is what reignited my "interest" (for lack of better word) in her again. i told her that i need to see a counselor again; i have an appointment with a new therapist this coming Tuesday. i hope i'll finally get the clarity i've been seeking for so long. my wife is still (understandably) distant from me. she's been gone for a few days for a work related conference and doesn't want to speak to me at all during that time. i understand she needs her space to process and think things through....it's hard to do with us in the same house. But unfortunately, i don't feel that i have time on my side. This would be a totally different scenario if i questioned my sexuality while still single, but her life and our families' lives are involved in this. And she needs to know what to do for herself; she shouldn't put her life on hold. Just as she wants me to live my happiest, true life, she deserves to do that for herself. Am i gay or bi? i have no idea. Of course I want to say I'm just bi. I'm a mess....a confused mess. Sorry for writing this novel. I really just needed to get this out as I don't have anyone else to talk to about this. Nobody else in my life knows that I've been struggling with this. This has made my journey a very scary and lonely one. Thank you all for your time in reading this.
You are definitely somewhere on the bi spectrum. Though idk exactly where. You are overthinking your sexual label but you really love your wife, so you are not just gay. And It is entirely possible that you where just infatuated and absorbed in New feelings, or it is possible that you might even be more compatible with the guy you were seeing than your wife. I have no clue. You will have to figure that part out yourself.
To answer your question. As any therapists and or psychiatrist would say, thats not for us to tell you. Thats for you to find out. But it is pretty clear you are bi. From your history, you lean more to the heterosexual side. You are sexually attracted to both men and women but seem to be more romantically involved with women. But that doesn't mean that it can't take that one special dude for you to fall for. I want to say, who am I to judge, but I feel you are wrong for cheating on your wife with other men. Like, if your wife was cool with you fooling around with other guys than that's y'alls thing but she doesn't know, you didn't have the intention of telling her there for its dishonest. If my girlfriend is bi and had sex with other women. I consider that cheating. I know there are couples that are cool with and that's fine but this case is being dishonest. ---------- Post added 3rd Jun 2017 at 06:18 AM ---------- But you didn't come here to be heckled so. The way I think of this is this. Pretend that you are 100 percent straight, or pretend that this guy is another women. You are married with person A. But are you falling for person B. Would you leave your wife for another women? You need to be honest with yourself and with your wife. This isn't about sexuality anymore. Rather it's about your loyalty and honesty. You are not the only one man. Elton John was married to a women and he came out as gay and they left their marriage in good terms.The only other outcome is if your wife is cool with it and let's you have your time with this other dude but this guy you talk of doesn't seem to be interested in sharing either. Man good luck. I'm sorry if I'm rude but I am just being real with you.
Kablammo, don't let anyone else tell you your sexuality. That's yours alone to determine, and it may be different from what it was before, and may be different in the future. Taking a hard look at your identity and what you want can be very scary and very lonely. Honesty is important. Be honest about your feelings, with yourself and with your wife. You both have some decision making to do. I hope you can work through it together. I can't give advice on the infidelity. I decided that I would answer any questions she asked honestly. And I have, and we're working through it. Coming to that conclusion was a big struggle for me, and I won't presume to know what's right for you. We have similar stories and I'd be happy to listen or talk if you need to.
Hey OP, There are quite a few threads here on EC that address situations similar to yours - especially in the LGBT Later in Life forum. You may want to read some of those threads if you haven't already. Also, maybe check out these threads: Do you relate to this? Sex with opposite-sex partner after questioning
I feel that you will gain insight on whether you are bi or gay in time. Irealise you are in a difficult situation. Ideally you need time on your own and some space to process your thoughts. I don't know how you can achieve that. Living with your wife reminds you of your guilt constantly and makes you desperate to feel you are atleast bi so that it saves the situation to some extent. But now is not the time for some patchwork solution. also you have to come out completely honest to her perhaps in a joint therapy session. She needs to know the truth to decide what is best for her.
