I want top surgery but I'm worried about what my family will think.

Let me explain.

I used to be set in the fact that I am FTM transgender, I even came out to my mom and went to therapy for a bit (until i could no longer afford it). I had intense and crippling dysphoria, where I would even cancel plans because i just couldn't go outside and feel okay.

But here's the thing (and please don't judge me for this): Within the past year, I have taken LSD a few times. Leading up to my first experience, I was having pretty bad dysphoria, but the third or fourth time when I started to dive really deep, during and after the experience my dysphoria and feelings about my gender kind of just went away. I feel as if I never really think about my gender at all now.
I used to identify as male, but now (if i had to give myself a label) I guess I would call myself non-binary? I kind of just feel like my gender is completely irrelevant at this point.

I don't want anyone to get offended by this statement, but i feel like my LSD experiences almost "cured" my gender dysphoria. But at the same time, although i don't get intense dysphoria anymore, aspects about myself that have to do with gender or sex still get to me. The lower parts of myself don't really bother me too much anymore, but I really don't want my boobs. I wish they weren't there. I want to get surgery, but I'm worried about how society will view me. Which is a stupid thing to think (in my opinion, for myself). My entire life I have dreaded my breasts. I hate them. Even leading up to puberty, one of my biggest fears was developing breasts, I never wanted it to happen.

Here's the thing about how I feel about gender though. For me personally, I believe that gender doesn't matter and that no matter what, we are all the same deep down and it really does not matter at all what you identify as or what gender you were born as. We are all the same species. The reason I brought up the drug use was because through these experiences, I have learned to accept myself as a person and have since stopped worrying about my gender identity because i simply do not care and it does not define me. I don't feel like a man and I don't feel like a woman, I just feel like me and that's all I want the world to see me as.

I am worried about what my family will think. Because I don't care what pronouns are used for me, but I feel like they will be confused and ask questions that I don't want to answer. I want to remove my breasts because I don't like them. I don't feel like they should be on me. This is conflicting for me because I want to be comfortable with my body and not change it because I came into this world like this and I feel that I should stay this way and learn to accept it like i learned to accept my inner self. But just I know i'll be a lot more comfortable in general if i do it. I'll be able to take my shirt off whenever i want and not have to wear a shirt when i'm swimming because I hate female cut swim suits. That's really what its all about and I guess I shouldn't be posting this here, but I just want my breasts removed because I feel like I will be more comfortable and more free to really be myself.

That's all I want is to be seen as me. I want to be able to express myself and do what I want without having to worry about my family seeing me a different way. Because I know they will. My mom will question me, my family will question me, I'm sure even doctors will question me. And what am I supposed to say when they ask why i want to do this? "Because I want to" is my answer, but I will get judged for that because I don't have this intense gender dysphoria anymore. At this point it's just a cosmetic surgery and I don't want to be judged for having a surgery i don't "need". I know my friends won't care, but my family will judge me and I just really don't want to deal with that.

In summary: I want top surgery, but I do not care about my gender identity. I just want to be able to do what I want and and be comfortable and top surgery will allow me to do that, but my family will judge me if I do. If I'm being ridiculous let me know. I guess I'm just looking for support in this because I am insecure about this decision.

Also, If you're going to make a statement judging me about the drugs I really don't want to hear it cause I don't care what anyone has to say about that. I found it necessary to state because that's what caused this shift in perspective.

Thank you for reading.