hello again. I just feel the need to speak

I registered here a couple years ago. For a couple days I have read so many posts, and I do appreciate all of the honesty here. My god, my duplicitous life, honesty is something I really need. Nothing has changed for me in the last 2 years since I last introduced myself. I still live a life of shame, confusion and emptiness. I guess they don't call this empty closets for nothing.

My story. It may get long, but I just have no one to speak to and really feel the need to admit to someone out loud, even if its out loud anonymously.

I am a 46 year old married male. Second marriage I should add. I guess I was a typical of my generation, non accepting hyper hetero. My step brother is gay, and I had known that fact since probably 1st grade. Growing up, he was teased in school, and I was no hero to him in that. In fact I contributed to it. Wanting acceptance, what have you. I was raised religiously, babtist and thought it was wrong.

Fast forward some years. I was active duty military and married to my high school sweet heart. Had kids, and fell into that pattern, married because the bible said so, though definitely issues. Over the years, I traveled a lot for training away from my wife. During that time, I started getting massages. At first it was oriental places, but hiding the money spent was difficult. One time, I read a personal add on a city beat type of magazine and had a massage that was free. Thing was, it was a older man, like in his 70s. I was probably 20. If anyones been here, I had a huge amount of emotions. whats wrong with me, excited by this massage. it was mostly innocent at first, but I did find I was extremely aroused, and messed the table, without any real touch. I ran from the house when he asked me to flip, embarrassed. I got back to base, prayed, shame, yadayada yada. I had emails from him asking if all was ok and ignored them. Months later though when back in town for more training, I emailed again. And again for a number of years. More happened, more experimentation but the guilt never left. I justified it as it was just a massage, and I was just being touched, never returning any. I kept my eyes closed mostly the entire visits. Well, this sort of thing happened from a few other guys I found over the years but at one point I came to jesus so to speak and swore off that abhorant behavior.

Then fast forward some more, and my wife cheated on me. ya I know, karma right? But this was full blown. It was a nasty divorce, and I moved away stationed in another state. Now I was single again but heart broken as well all that crap that comes from divorces and the removal of that security. I dated lots of women. At the same time I started searching adds again for massage. I experimented a bit more openly this time, and really tried to question the root of all this shame. At the same time, my divorce really separated me from all that religion and I was even more so able to openly face my sexuality. I actually restarted a relationship with my brother, accepting his lifestyle, but of course he had no idea that I envied it. I still profess this masculine aire, to the world as hetero as one could be.

So I played more, but at the same time was dating a really great woman. She is liberal, and accepting of all lifestyles. Her x and her raised the kids very liberally. She one time told me her husband wanted to be pegged.... and that became a big joke, that he was secretly gay. So ya, she is accepting, but it made me realize I could not share my secret life. if that makes sense at all. Well, I married that woman. and tried to put behind me again the massages, that did escalate. There is no closing that box now though. I think about it constantly. If I masterbate, its only visits with these men. Mostly massage guys. one I saw regularly but most have in common, they are clean they say. No need for condoms they say. If I try to get close, to honestly open up and share, well, that ends those casual visits in most cases. no one wants real closeness. real honesty. Heck, whats honesty, as I seek out opportunities even if I rarely actually try to meet behind her back. I browse adds, and hope to find some real honest gay man I can some how connect with, but we all know that personal adds that isn't going to happen. Throughout all of this, I really have admitted to myself that this is more than a fetish for me. One of my massages, recently, I kissed the guy. And it clicked. It was erotic but more. My eyes were open both actually and figuratively.

Now I have no clue what to do. I know the advice on most of these posts are honesty. I went through one divorce and have no intention of another. financially or otherwise. My wife adores me and I am more or less her support. I was a bit of a rescue for her, meeting her just after her divorce. And I do love her. I just know at the same time, I am gay. not Bi I think. I know my experimentation over the years, and whats the saying, they that protest the loudest are in denial? I have no one to share this with. Its stupid meeting guys on personals and though I want desperately to be safe, I don't thin I have met a single guy that is paranoid of catching anything like me. Everyone claims every practice is totally safe, relax..... Not only that, I know after that kiss, ya I want the sex, but I want more. So, not sure what I am asking. I know I live a lie, and likely will continue to do so. As others, I almost hope some how to out myself, but at the same time am so extremely paranoid that could happen. I want to ask tell my step brother but fear he cant keep a secret. plus, there goes that whole, hetero persona I have in my family. So I speak my story out loud. Not out proud. but god I need to speak it. hiding sucks. sorry for the ramble.