Question regarding masturbation fantasies

There's a developing attitude among a tiny but vocal minority, heavily fueled by the Tumblr/AVEN and similar crowds, that makes the argument that there are 100000 different genders, sexual orientations, a million variations on the sexual orientation spectrum. Most of that has absolutely nothing to back it up, and very few credible professionals or researchers have found any basis for most of that. Likewise, it's pretty much nonexistent in people over 25 or 30, except for a small minority of individuals.

This is further complicated by people who are on the trans spectrum, who have a completely different set of experiences to work through and process, and for them, sexual orientation, attraction, and arousal can often be very complicated and layered among a lot of confusing and difficult feelings.

That said... there's no question that sexual orientation is on a spectrum rather than being a binary or trinary. For a cis (body parts match your perception of your gender) male, most people tend to cluster toward one end of the spectrum or the other (straight or gay), but there are also plenty that find themselves closer to the middle.

It is often the case that as people first come to terms with the fact that they have some same-sex attraction, they first identify as bisexual... because as they are "bargaining" (remember the stages of loss [loss of perception as straight] denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance), it is easier to accept that one is attracted to the same sex, but still could have a "normal" life.

Of course, that isn't always the case and many people are genuinely bisexual. But often, as people become more comfortable with same-sex attraction, they find their opposite sex attraction starts to fade. Their orientation isn't changing, it's just that they are becoming more confident and comfortable with who they are.

So... if I were to guess, I would suspect that you are probably closer to gay than bi, from what you are describing.

 

You could be bi. You could be gay and you had a good experience with the opposite sex. You can simply not use any label.

Remember that labels are limited (and limiting). You won't find a single word that describes you perfectly (even if you create a new one). Therefore, my best advice for this is: Don't worry too much about labels, and, if you want to choose one, choose something that best describes you, even if not 100%.

If you are attracted to men 99,999% of the time, you can theoretically call yourself bisexual, because there is a tiny, small percent of the time where you are attracted to women (or in your entire life you were attracted to one or two women, for example), or you can call yourself gay because, if it isn't 100%, it is the label that best describes the situation.

In the end, don't limit yourself to labels. You can pick one if you want, but don't sweat over it.

 

This is a gross generalization that is, according to voluminous data, simply untrue. There's a perception that men are less relationship oriented, but the data from the Gottman Institute, who has looked at relationships for more than 35 years, doesn't support this idea. What it does support is that men look at relationships differently and are motivated by different factors. But it's dangerously incorrect to make this statement and misrepresent to people who are looking for accurate information.

Again, this isn't about relationship or non-relationship, it is about arousal patterns, which are wildly different between men and women.

Another really broad generalization that doesn't hold up.

This is actually quite true, but doesn't skew along lines of male or female as is implied; there are plenty of women who have higher sex drives than men, plenty of couples where both have really high sex drives, and plenty where neither has much. However, what is true is that the biggest source of friction in a relationship is a mismatch between sex drives.

None of this has any relationship to the OP's original question.

Only you can know for sure.

What I can tell you is that many men who are gay or at the gay end of the spectrum have had relationships with women and found the sex to be enjoyable, but once they started having sex with men, realized they liked it *much* more. The arousal fantasies tend to be the most reliable indicator, but as I said, what really matters is what you feel.

And denial does play a role, which can really cloud judgment. That's why I generally suggest that it is something that may simply take time to unpack and really understand, and the difficult part of that is simply being ok with living with the discomfort of not knowing for sure in the meantime. If you feel like you're bi... then go with that. I was simply responding to the question you asked.

 

I completely disagree with this. A therapist does not have to be gay or bi to understand these sorts of issues.

First, a competent therapist would never, ever tell a client whether s/he was gay, bi, or straight. That is not appropriate, and would be considered unethical. Though I'm not a licensed therapist, I generally follow the ethical guidelines that those in the profession are held to, and that's the reason I didn't tell you you were gay or bi (that it was a decision only you could make), and several other people here have told you that only you know for sure.

Second, I have to respectfully ask, if you had no intention of listening to anyone's advice and had already made up your mind and were dead set on listening to the advice that your therapist should never have given you in the first place, why on earth did you waste everyone's time in this thread?

Third, you clearly don't understand what projection is, because there isn't any going on in this thread.